Saturday, 30 January 2010

FC Halifax Town: pledges for a new decade.


The powers that be have told me to share this with a few devout Town fans: they have made ten projections for the ambitious future of the New Shaymen, a big fish in a small pond, on its intrepid way toward climbing up the football pyramid. 2008/09 was a false start, and with the dawn of another decade, it has been declared by all officials an apt time to re-attempt the push, better, faster and stronger.

1. The Shaymen will, at the very least, be consistently pushing for promotion places in the Conference. If still this low, fate will probably have it that our division bedfellows include Burnley and 'Dale.

2. "Shayman" will be a recognised word in the Oxford (Utd.) English Dictionary.

3. "WILDER OUT!" will be included in the 2020 edition of the Oxford (Utd.) Book of Quotations.

4. A statue will be erected by the East Stand of Tommy Degnan playing the accordion, with Bill Atkins and Geoff Horsfield depicted in their prime beside him, chinking stone beer glasses.

5. The man underneath Freddy the Fox's outfit will change twice by the close of the decade, the first change being a brief stint by Gary Megson, and the second a bedraggled, unemployed Simon Clifford.

6. Both slowly nearing retirement age, Scott Phelan and Tom Baker will have their roles in centre midfield under stiff competition, with up and coming stars of the Halifax Academy of Excellence being the brotherhood of Brooklyn and Romeo Beckham. This makes FC Halifax the tightest midfield unit in whichever league we're in. Meanwhile, still unable to find adult friends, Flea resorts to befriending a pimply, adolescent Cruz Beckham.

7. Double Denim Dennis, by this point in the season, has already spent a few Saturday nights behind bars, the most notable being after he threw his Zimmer frame at a fan at AFC Wimbledon.

8. This becomes a nostalgia-inducing classic of British music, just like Bittersweet Symphony is today.

9. The Terriers are starting to have major crowd problems, with only one stand opened up on match days due to a constrained budget. Huddersfieldians, an increasing amount being born in Calderdale Royal Hospital, cross the Kirklees-Calderdale border in droves to relish Saturday afternoon entertainment at the Shay.

10. As the football club goes from strength to strength, local industry booms. FCHT pay the egg-chasers to leave the Shay, and build a customary stadium for them on the edge of town where they can be happy in their own little world. Countless businesses move onto Halifax turf, with areas such as Mixenden becoming trendy commuter villages. Halifax town centre becomes a bohemian metropolis full of intellectuals in turtle necks discussing contemporary philosophy over mocha lattés. The end.


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