Thursday, 30 September 2010

Ashton United 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 25/09/10.


The two Saturday home games against Whitby are over, so time for the two Saturday away games at Ashton United's Hurst Cross. Good enough for me, because I remember loving the place in February when Mossley had to play there. I discover they don't have one gents' at the corner of the ground that is just a 5'6 brick wall, but two. I get some drinks down me and have a wee at one during half-time. I have exercised my maleness by pissing on a low designated wall—the most unorthodox bogs in English football—and so should you. Sadly, the weather's getting plain nasty so make sure no-one catches a glimpse of your cold-shrivelled member.

 That isn't my head. I'm just a voyeur.

At the end of this week, Ashton will be swimming in it from two days of hosting Town, which does our bit in helping them survive after being sued £32,000 for that career-ending injury one of their players inflicted on another several years ago, as compensation culture has wormed its way into northern football matches, where you realistically should expect to get some career-ending injury on your way to retirement anyway. I'm glad to come back in the daytime.

Where Ashton lock up their old managers.

Because this is football, and vegetarians are therefore gays, I got a serving of chips and pestilant-looking mushy peas which turned out to be gorgeous, rather than the elusive Holland's pie. I also took another look in the shop, but the way the conversation the shop attendants were having stopped as soon as a Town fan came in made me quickly scarper. To wrap up eating two of my five-a-day (chips 'n peas) I had a Mars, and as I dropped the end of it off in a bin, Ashton scored. 1–0 in 20 seconds, and Town hadn't even touched the ball. Those extrapolating the score to predict a 270–0 victory by full-time would be silly buggers, as after this with some work from Hedge, and little work beyond catching crosses and squared balls for the Ashton 'keeper, the first half ended with a 1–0 deficit. Luckily though, a referee decided to attend the game, and despite being as imperfect as the tier he works in suggests, he was one who checked his decisions throughout the game. For better or worse, in the 44th minute he sent off an Ashton player. It made sense to send off one to punish the rest of them, as the Shaymen were facing yet another team that practise rolling about on the ground more than anything else during training, and this would be a turning point where, after a half-time "chat," we could find areas to properly penetrate the Ashton box after a level 45 minutes.

It was definitely tough still, possibly with only one forward (half in experiment, half because Deano had conjunctivitis). With as always, either a profoundly unfit Ashton side or more likely a very dirty Ashton side, they tumbled here and there, but the referee would have little of it, ending up telling main culprit number 6 to get up. That, an uneven pitch, and the Ashton tactics that have seen them let in little and score few more, made it tough to watch the artful game, but we're all equally happy to watch the northern game.

The goals came in the last fifteen minutes, and they had to have come at some point. Three of them, the last being disallowed. Two short-rangers from Taylor were notched, one off a rebounding penalty, but enough to make things ecstatic in a packed terrace behind the goal. A contrast to the dejected face of the defender who stopped in his tracks as the second went in, and trudged back to the middle of the pitch where an early FA Cup knock-out was waiting for him and his club.

In two weeks we play the 3QR at the Shay, playing at home to Harrogate Town.

Ashton United 1 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 525
Ground: 8/10
Pitch: 5/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: lass in the tea hut looked good from behind
Non-partisan entertainment: 6/10


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