Showing posts with label halifax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label halifax. Show all posts

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Guiseley 3 – 4 Halifax Town; 20/09/11.


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There's no better person to quote than myself, because otherwise who would quote me? "When we start playing well for once, it's going to feel mint."

I approached Nethermoor Park as you'd walk past a sleeping Rottweilier that only eats Town fans. A local kid slipped in with us, since his ticket would cost £1 in the company of an adult. After we got through the turnstile he joined a group, one of which shouted at us "You're gonna get battered tonight!" I made a bee-line to the bar and necked a tidy half pint of a Hebden Bridge bitter in time for the players to gather on a clean, slightly warped pitch.


What I heard next shocked me: Neil Aspin's father had passed away from cancer today. The teams lined up and bowed their heads for a minute's silence and the main stand spectators rose, and although by this point I wondered if there was a rational reason for us to stay, Aspin himself was still there by the dugout, showing the astounding resilience we would soon see from the players.

A minute in, Toulson gave it away and an attempt for the right-hand-side of the goal from Guiseley's Peter Davidson trickled through the hands of Eastwood, leaving us 1–0 down. A voice in my head said "9–0 FT."

Seven minutes in and the danger in Guiseley's eyes let's us have it again, with Gavin Rothery finding some space from a header to hit it high up and in. Two goals down and I still hadn't even found a good vantage point from which to shout.


I found my father at the other corner on the ground, who declared we'd lost already and we may as well do what we can until the final whistle. But 20 minutes had elapsed and we hadn't conceded a goal in a while, so was some momentum being picked up? Yes, we had a good amount of possession but were we to let Guiseley on the attack again it'd be safe to assume they'd score, knowing our red carpet of a defense. Your inner dreads as a fan though can be hidden deeper inside you if you encourage your team vocally: "Do it for Neil Aspin!" had to be the words to go by.

Soon, the Shaymen's heads raised up like Pez dispensers. Terry Dixon was to take a free kick from 20 yards instead of the usual from cap'n Tom Baker, and the wall-beating shot was converted from the rebound by Lee Gregory. We had begun playing with some fluency again and sent an early warning to Guiseley that their perfect home streak wasn't so safe. However, the Lions couldn't help but respond towards the end of the first half, and not too long after a looping header got palmed away by Eastwood, he couldn't stop a close-range diving header that Rothery nailed, while I snuck off to see a man about a dog, trying not to think of anything at all.


No, I'm not a professional sports photographer. Well spotted.

More match visuals taken hurriedly because I accidentally deleted all of the older stuff including two goals and me patting Danny Lowe's back in my fervour.




After their second and third, the Guiseley massive felt eager enough to vaguely chant their name a couple of times, and the next peek I heard of the home team's supporters was being told that we were the strongest side to come to Nethermoor so far this season. We were just worried that Town's courage had crumbled again and that another write-off was ahead. And bloody hell, were we given an unexpected treat!


As we kicked off I heard a "Going down, going down, going down!" chant directed at us from the other side of the ground. Must be this non-league grace and spirit we're always told about that teams like bankrolled Guiseley clearly have in abundance. Defiantly, the Shaymen of the second half were world beaters (ie. Conference North beaters). Our game flowed, our players communicated, and Guiseley's nappies got fully twisted over it. It was simply better than anything from the last five games. When Holland squared the ball to Terry Dixon, whose touch went in off defender Danny Ellis, a 3–2 scoreline felt pretty OK in and of itself. Four minutes later, Baker's corner ball reached the bowing head of Terry Dixon, and the loanee himself had opened his account finally, and deservedly.

We could then do it all. Route one was a possible, as were the flanks. Our defenders picked up the stray Guiseley counters and the entire team had grown a foot in height. After ten further minutes it was Dixon again who fed in a route one ball to Gregory. Greggers, as per, took ages with the ball inside the six-yard box: was he erring, or was he dancing with the ball to deceive the frankly petrified Guiseley defense? Either way it worked, thank god, and the feeling of us getting that 4–3 win, a three-goal gain within 15 minutes still feels stunning.


So, a confounded Guiseley kicked off for the final time in the evening, and a particular brand of classiness courtesy of substitute O'Neill's elbow floored Liam Hogan, and the former was shown the red card after six farcical minutes on the pitch. The remainder of the match was still tense but seen out well, and the eighth goal of the game was on our radar more often than theirs. It's always tense, when the three points are in sight.

Neutrals at the match would've found it fantastic, and the Shaymen certainly did. This was the Shaymen we'd seen under Aspin in the previous two seasons, a group of lads who celebrate with each other when they score and always have the goal in their collective mind. If we piece more of these results together, minus the activity at the other end of the pitch, it'll be alright. For now, our current squad have showed easy game is something we ain't.


P.S. I got a programme; a rather uncommon thing for me now considering the dross I spent 17 seconds reading at Evo-Stik level. It's a good 'un! Admittedly tinpot in design (see below) but high in content and effort and ultimately worth the asking price. Props also to the first history I've read of ourselves which wasn't copied off a dormant, semi-literate page on the official website, despite it only documenting two of our 100 seasons of footie. Canny.


Guiseley 3 – 4 Halifax Town; att. 897
Entertainment: 9/10
Ground: 5/10
Pitch: 7/10

I'm a happy Town fan.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Stalybridge, Boston and Workington.


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The odds have been against me posting anything Town this past month and a bit. Following the Mansfield game I set off from Calderdale to Land's End on my bike, before setting off to Seattle for two weeks (depressing), and now my internet's started functioning properly, here I am.

Watching Town in the Conference North is an improvement. Not that I've seen us put 100% in yet, but I know from these three games that even when it's dross, it's better than watching Worksop players in shelf-stacker shirts falling about like babbies in the midwinter night. The worry is, when will we attain the pace that we've found is necessary to challenge in the Conference North?


The first game is Stalybridge Celtic at home, and my lift is so late that I miss their first goal. It was a penalty conceded by Scott McManus again (Slapp MyMissus), and prolific Stalyvegas striker Phil Marsh put it away. Stalyvegas brought 120 or so over who made a bit of noise and initially, we competed quite well with that. But when James Dean squared it in, Lee Gregory beat the 'keeper to smack the ball in at the other side before too long. It's good to be back, and the Shaymen were putting in a good case for themselves against the table leaders, who had already won their first four games. It wasn't too long after however, that Slapp MyMissus this time failed to take down his opposition as Hogan gave away the ball, and as Eastwood failed to catch the ball, Stalyvegas' Jennings placed the ball in. MyMissus was then, thankfully, substituted.



In the second half, tedium set in. Oh, that second half really was a pain. Much possession from defense to attack, but as soon as we got within 25 yards of the net we became hopeless, without ideas and worried to commit to any ball into the box, let alone shot. On the other side, Stalyfuse hadn't bothered to put the game away for themselves as the tempo of the game slowed and slowed. So in the 91st minute what happened? Aaron 'Ardy was taken down in the box, Town were immediately rewarded a penalty, and what does Baker do? He tucks it in. 2–2 at full-time; Stalyfuse's perfect points tally is no more. The Shaymen are mid-table, but they can silence a full-time Stalyfuse outfit who really were getting rowdy.


A loss, a win and three draws preceded Bank Holiday Monday's game at Boston United. Not so good then, but just two points off where we were last year when we, of course, pissed that tinpot league. Arriving in the Fens I was surprised at how pleasant it looked compared to so much of the crap I'd seen the week before in America, despite as being as flat as a pancake. My lift was late and I missed the first 15 minutes. It appeared we'd already scored this time, but it was just the atmosphere! After the past three seasons you're not used to an away game where the two sides' fans are chanting, but today we were being told by the Boston ultras that we were "just a small town in Goiseley." We reiterated that they were "just a small town in Poland," and that was the best part of the first half.



Boston fans were as unsettled as us with their start to the season: fairly unsettled. Part of their team had left for a better life at Grimsby Town, who also now have Boston's manager and assistant manager. Where were Grimsby as a result? In the relegation zone, and with a viral YouTube sensation:


The Pilgrims' main forward right now is, apparently, a Lincolnshire League stalwart. Their attacks were admittedly blunt, but I could easily see the touchline terrace at York St. explode with joy as one of their attacks actually brought some joy. Luckily, even the close efforts were stopped by Simon Eastwood. Meanwhile, attacking towards a terrace of 320 Shaymen, we got closer still. We were alright, followed by good, followed by very unlucky not to get a goal. The closest chances in a tense wait for the one goal that would get us those three points were from Aaron Hardy, whose free header weaved itself above and then left of the goalposts, then Danny Lowe, who was through but couldn't find a trajectory Boston's 42-year-old 'keeper hadn't got covered.


This begged the question, why was it our defenders who got closest to the goal? Why not our strikers? Of course, Jamie Vardy, now one of the non-league's biggest names, is our squad's long-gone number 7. His pace beat the back line countless times and he was a stark joy to watch, a progressively greater pleasure before becoming a forbidden one, leaving for full-time pay at Fleetwood. But he wasn't the only one who brought us this far down the pitch last season, so our remaining strike force shouldn't be this lumpen. With ten minutes to go the goal seemed imminent, but it didn't end up coming and we were left to be philosophical over a 0–0 draw. One of those fairly entertaining 0–0 draws.

Three points had to come at home to Workington Town, and it did. My lift was late and I missed Wukky's first goal. But again we came back, and again it was Lee Gregory who found a close position to finish it. And like a repeat, Tom Baker scored a penalty. Then in the second half, a corner ball came to Tommy again from 20 yards out, which he blasted through the centre, avoiding all bodies in the box and clumsily going through the Wukky 'keeper. I'd divulge further but to make no bones about it, it was a dull match not worth describing in detail both because I already have with others, because these reports are starting to add up in word count as it is, and of course, I'm not being paid to do this. We won 3–1, we won it at a boring ol' canter, and it's encouraging we can still do that.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Scunthorpe United; 16/07/11.


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Revenge can often be strange and contrived. I walked into the afternoon's lectures with a big ol' sadface when I heard that at lunchtime, Alan Knill had suddenly left my "other" team, Bury, to help save Scunthorpe United from relegation. That weekend the Iron lost 6–0 at Norwich, and Alan Knill's new Barmy Army finished the season 24th on goal difference, dropping down to League 1. It'd be a bit of karma to beat the highest-ranked team in our friendly list this season with Knill still at their helm.

Several individual performances stood out from a watchable game. The first was that of injury-dogged Nicky Gray, who with his head up narrowed himself between two Iron defenders and hit the right post with his edge-of-the-box shot. Throughout the match, Vardy had the attention of an umpteenth full-time outfit, continuously dodging defenders and laying up precise crosses. Simon Eastwood's clean sheet was one he worked on keeping, and the Matt Smith lookalike had a nimble edge over the departed #1 Jonathan Hedge, coming up to collect a close Scunthorpe shot, which he saved again on the rebound twice to a relieved applause.

However, even the meekest Scunthorpe team, ie. the one we saw yesterday, could build up a few attempts, even if they were just by chance. Around the 75th minute, one of their numberless substitutes that came on in a Knill's mid-half line-up overhaul was adjudged to have trod on Greg Anderson's bootlaces before he calmly put the ball past Eastwood. Laughs turned to worry again towards the end, against the Vardy-led run-of-play as Scunthorpe found an opening but hit the post.

Scunthorpe substitute half the population of Scunthorpe.

Then came this:

Liam Hogan intercepted a pass and ran with it down the right. Looking like the flag of the Isle of Man, he took it in a straight line from 70 yards to 30 yards: there he gave it a bash and in it went off the bar. Possibly the best goal I've seen at the Shay, and it was from a centre-back during pre-season. Magic it was!

1–0 at 88 minutes, and the ref blew soon after. After a handshake with Neil Aspin shorter than most fist-bumps, Alan Knill plodded into the dressing rooms looking more like a distressed Woody Allen than a football manager.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Mossley 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 09/07/2011.


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I sympathise for Mossley80, but I need to clear that up. I don't mean that in a way of giving charidee to the more tinpot in our lives; it's he himself that makes out a life of following Mossley to be like fishing an endless clump of hair from the basin. Like me at times, it'll take him days after the event to muster the courage to write a match day report. Just a few days ago he surpassed himself by writing a report for the season's final game: over two months after the event itself. In his defense, it'd be impossible to describe the latter half of Mossley's 2010/11 season as anything but BLEAK, all facts in mind. What Mossley80 manages to do is paint in every shade of gray that was last season's Mossley experience with adroit skill that makes it read as both hilarious and tragic.


And though he didn't attend Saturday's match, Mossley80 missed what I'd say was a pre-season highlight. Pleasant weather, and a few points of interest on and off-field. Taking a place on the terraces was a friend of mine on tour from America, coming from Orange County to Mossley. What? He was impressed. Mistakes were made around the oh-so-confusing 2pm kick-off but little action was missed tbh, this being a friendly. 

The Lilywhites themselves have pride in their 100% record against the Shaymen at Seel Park. The only time we've been here as FC Halifax Town we lost an abject 3–1 on a cold night in Sept '08, newly-reformed and dressed in badgeless, plain-blue shirts and shorts. The Jim Vince team that never got on that night, and never would for the rest of the season. Today the sun shines, the Pennines are in full view, and Town are favourites for a third consecutive promotion into the Conference Premier. A contrasting "where are they now?" reunion. Though Seel Park looks fine in the sun, the greatest part of the ground has to be the Mossley squad's nude 2011 calendar on sale in the club shop. As tempting as it is, how many of the models have now left the club?

The furious face of concentration.

Mossley earns the award of being the first ever ground I've been to that offers a full vegetarian experience. Cheese & onion pies can be had, along with chunky chips and mushy peas that my O.C. pal mistook for guacamole. That's a substantial meal! (Shut up, it is.) A tasty one, too. Within the time it took to be eaten, goal number one came courtesy of none other than Jamie Vardy, clear with a short finish going downhill towards Mossley's oldie-but-goodie "Kop" end. After that, conveniently within the time it takes to lump a load of peas on your plastic fork, Mossley had a long-range free kick despatched by Joe Heap, an 18-year-old striker who proved prolific in Mossley's youth set-up. Within those two minutes, any scouts still voyeuristically peering at Vardy would've been completely distracted by the youngster's effort, a top corner effort that could suppress any pre-season yawn. 


We were impressed but weren't going to be happy to move into half-time level. A foul from Mossley's #2 made the player forget about any notion of "friendly" after which a skirmish ensued, Town fans getting a little fed-up with the referee who was seemingly showing his eighth-tier credentials. After a third foul went unpunished outside the area, the Mossley defense kicked out the ball only for it to reach an ambitious Danny Lowe, who drove it in from 30 yards. Whey.


 In-keeping with American football, half-time entertainment was observed. Willing to make the most of Mossley's 100th anniversary of playing at Seel Park, a dressed-up club representative took to the pitch to sing Nessun Dorma. Oh dear you may say, did he mime to a karaoke track? Was it tone-deaf screeching? Did the Tannoy decide to act up? None of the above—the man did a fine service to the song that none of the 300-strong crowd were ever going to appreciate. Trust me, it wasn't bad!

I'm not reliable enough to catch any match action, but at least I got a snap that demonstrates the pitch slope we sussed out.

The second-half finished 'em off without either team giving up the ghost. 3–1, 4–1, then 5–1, where a Lee Gregory header hit the bar and took advantage of the Mossley contours, bouncing home from a bump in the hallowed turf. We were set to make it six or more as the floodgates opened, but were happy to see an enthusiastic display from all involved bar a few dispirited gents in the Lilywhites' defence. Two leagues below us, Mossley may be the lowest-ranked team we'll play this year and there's nowt to be alarmed about so far.

Oh god, and one of those golden fan comments came visitin'. A few Shayman fans were getting wound up by the youthful, emaciated linesman ("linesboy") skipping down the touchline . . .
Fan: Teagan! Tell that linesman to do his job properly!
Fan's two kids, in unison: LINESMAN! DO YOUR JOB PROPERLYYY!
Indoctrination at its best.

The full-time whistle blowed and we were treated to a particularly maudlin ditty, Handbags and the Glad Rags by the Stereophonics, a worldwide ode to the discarded polystyrene teacup and chipped paint falling from old stands. Perhaps Mossley80 was here in spirit.

Mossley 1 – 5 Halifax Town
Entertainment: 7/10

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide XIII: HINCKLEY UNITED FC.


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Hinckley United FC
Leicester Road
Hinckley
Leicestershire
LE10 3DR
Nickname

The Knitters

But we call them

Stinckley, The Stinck


Billy basics

Manager: Dean Thomas
Founded: 1997
2010/11: 15th, Conference North
2009/10: 7th, Conference North
2008/09: 10th, Conference North
Highest position: 2006/07: 4th, Conference North
Average attendance 2010/11: 433


Who are The Stinck?

Hinckley United was an amalgamation of Hinckley Town and Hinckley Athletic, two probable pub teams that no doubt never got the slightest whiffs of playing real, proper League football. Throughout the mid-'90s Athletic were aiming for promotion from the Southern League whereas Town were in the league below, before arrangement was struck to merge the two teams. Athletic's Conference National hopes after merger for the 1997/98 season must've taken an own goal then, because Hinckley United dropped Athletic down to Town's league. After year-on-year improvement, FC United of Stinckley gained promotion back to the Southern League, earning election for the Conference North in 2004.

In the meantime, Stinckley earnt themselves a couple of cup runs. Bowing out in the 2nd Round of the FA Cup at home to Cheltenham in 2001/02, in their first season of Conference North football they held Brentford to a replay in a 2004/05 2nd Round fixture, losing out 2–1 at Griffin Park. Ambitious as ever, The Stinck saw the Conference North as just another hole to escape from and immediately aimed for promotion again. Their 2006/07 season was the closest they got, but early on in the season, tragedy entered the playing field: centre-half Matt Gadsby died on the pitch during an away game at Harrogate. United adjourned for a month, suffering fixture congestion for the remainder of the season and finishing 4th, losing the play-off finals in the last minute at home to Farsley Celtic.

Things also picked up pace elsewhere. In March 2005 more avenues were opened for the Stinck when the building of their new super-stadium was finished. This slightly-out-of-town-but-loaded-with-facilities-and-training-pitches-and-conference-rooms-and-cantilever-roofs-and-even-the-odd-floodlight ground, De Montfort Park, was financed from the selling of Stinckley's old Middlefield Lane and not much else, as the seasons that followed Stinckley's promotion push were tough ones. Accumulated debt got within a few straws of breaking the Stinck's back, but a winding-up order was avoided and Stinckley enter the 2011/12 season without any I.O.U.'s stuck on the communal fridge.


The ground

Sources 1 2 3
 
 De Montfort Park, aka "The Greene King Stadium," has been declared a work-in-progress. Like planning out a massive shit, the ground is to be developed in "phases." The first phase brought the town a completely useable, three-stand stadium, with the second introducing the 3G and junior pitches. The third phase will be an extension of the West Stand to include seating, with the fourth and vaguest phase seeing stand extensions bringing the capacity to above 6,000. A name as silly as de Montfort could have only come from the 6th and final Earl of Leicester, an opponent to Henry III who died in battle in 1265. That should help you in your next pub quiz.

Of course, this means nothing to us Shaymen when we'll probably only visit Stinckley once. It should be our duty to breathe life into an identikit stadium.


The town

Hinckley itself is a pleasant little market town on all accounts. The first place of interest its Wikipedia page lists is its "award-winning public toilets." So, go there. I won't plagiarise on the pub front, just give a glance at any of the pubs featured on this away fans' rough guide. Hinckley's not that small of a town, but Leicester's also close, of course.

Trains are a nightmare. From Halifax you'll have to make a few changes as no trains go straight from Leeds/Manchester to Leicester, with Leicester trains going direct to Hinckley. From Halifax, trains to Manchester, over to Birmingham New Street followed by Hinckley verge on four hours. To get from Leeds to Leicester, changes can be made at Nottingham, Sheffield, Doncaster etc. You'd be much better off getting the supporters' coach.


Will we need to segregate?

No.


Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide XII: HISTON FC.


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Histon FC
The Glass World Stadium
Bridge Road
Impington
Cambridge
CB24 9PH
Nickname

The Stutes

But we call them

Someone suggested Pisston once, but not even I will dignify that


Billy basics

Manager: David Livermore
Founded: 1904
2010/11: 24th, Conference National
2009/10: 18th, Conference National
2008/09: 3rd, Conference National
Highest position: 2008/09: 3rd, Conference National
Average attendance 2010/11: 616


Who are Histon?

That's a good question because the funny thing is, even Histon haven't quite traced back their roots since before the '80s. All those historians in neighbouring Cambridge are wasted. 
In appearance one of the biggest littlest clubs ever, Histon were born as a works side of sorts from a local jam company and were given a patch to play in next door village Impington. Then their tale's another of various county leagues, eventually finding their level in the Eastern Counties League in 1966, incorporating the cream of East Anglian borderline-pub football.

The turn of millennium then saw a bazonkers ascent into Histon almost becoming a household name. Ex-Cambridge United man Steve Fallon brought them into the Southern League's Eastern Division in 1999/2000, a league that proved to be a little harder before they found their feet again and won promotion to the Southern League Premier Division in 2004. The Conference South beckoned in 2005, with a Yeovil Town fixture in the FA Cup 2nd Round and the Cambridgeshire County Cup in the trophy cabinet to galvanise their success. The Stutes Machine went as far as the play-off final on the first time of asking the following season, before going up as champs in 2007 on a heinously comfy 19-point margin. Oh, they also reached the FA Cup 2nd Round again, having a good bash against but eventually losing out to Nuneaton Borough.

Could a village of less than 4,500 just settle for that? As many of you know, things just kept coming. They beat Cambridge United on the first time of asking and finished 7th, giving us Shaymen four points over two league outings on that fateful 2007/08 season. The 2008/09 season was their zenith, beating Leeds United 1–0 in the FA Cup 2nd Round in front of 4,103, topping the league table in the meantime. Nowt like watching Leeds fail to beat such miniscule outfits. The title however eventually went begging, Histon losing to Torquay in the play-off semis.

And that was the last season overseen by Steve Fallon. After he was voted out Histon were found to be very much the small-time, dropping into the southern arse-end of the Conference North for this forthcoming season. Without Fallon's guiding hand, many predict Histon are now following a downward trajectory, their 18/1 championship odds a little optimistic for now.


The ground


Sources 1 2 3
 Just before Histon's growth waned, the Cambridgeshire FA set up shop on Bridge Road (The Glassworld Stadium), building it from what you see in the aerial view above to a League Two-worthy stadium. Another main stand has been built alongside the original structure, with the behind-goal terraces now stretching the pitch widths and new seating built over the touchline terrace. I am not a faithful enough Shayman to know how much of this was intact four seasons ago, but I'm sure they'll be happy to see us again.


The town

The village, even.


Luckily, it's just up the road from Cambridge itself. Weekends spent wondering what to do in Prescot or Bamber Bridge are no more: now you can grab a bike or a punt, and visit a marginally less hostile area. The amount Cambridge has going for it should be satisfactory if a bit of a culture shock compared to the braying hags in the Halifax thoroughfares.


Trains go from Leeds to Cambridge via either Stevenage or Peterborough. Take your pick and have fun.


Will we need to segregate?

In the event they find success again, yes. But even then, no.

 
Bring the servers down, leave a comment.

Friday, 24 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide X: GLOUCESTER CITY AFC.


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Gloucester City AFC
Arriva House
Meadow Park
Sudmeadow Road
Hempsted
Gloucester
GL2 5HS
Nickname

The Tigers

But we call them

Glaaaaaarstar


Billy basics

Managers: David Mehew, Adie Harris
Founded: 1883
2010/11: 14th, Conf North
2009/10: 18th, Conf North
2008/09: 3rd, Southern Premier League
Highest position: 2010/11: 14th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: 346


Who are Glaaaaaarstar?
 Despite being formed in 1883, it took six years for Gloucester to bother with going competitive. Like so many others, they got into the rhythm of joining all sorts of regional leagues until joining the Southern League in 1939. It then took the Gloucestrians a wait 'til after World War Two to see where things would take them. The stand-out factoid from their early years was in 1937/38, when striker Reg Weaver netted 67 goals in all competitions, making Ross Hannah look like a Jägerbomb-fuelled Nigel Jemson.

Post-war, Glaaaaaarstar quickly surfaced in the proper, big-boy rounds of the FA Cup, beating Tottenham Hotspur 2–1 in 1952 in front of 10,000 or so. Promotion to the Southern Premier came in 1969 and again in 1982, and again in 1989. The following season, they held Cardiff City to a Second Round replay in the FA Cup and began to aim for the Conference National. It came within a whisker in 1991 when SPL promotion rivals Farnborough scored a winner in their game against Atherstone to pip Glaaaaaarstar and their travelling hordes at Bromsgrove, the fans already invading the pitch in some vain joy. Further cup frolics came in 1997 as Dagenham & Redbridge beat them in the FA Trophy's semi-finals, a distraction to losing out on promotion to the Conference again to rivals Cheltenham Town.

It will be here that I crack on with what has afflicted Glaaaaaarster more than anything: its blasted location. In July 2007 the River Severn burst its banks once again, flooding their Meadow Park ground once and for all. The Tigers had previously been waterlogged numerous times, Meadow Park being their ninth ground. FC United can't even get one built. The Severn's floods almost wiped the club off the map on numerous occasions due to countless brief exiles and unpaid players walking out. Convinced they'll never be done over again, the current rainforest at Meadow Park plans to be rebuilt into some flood-proof barracks, and the worrying term "community stadium" has been coyly thrown in there—early promises of a soulless San Generico-type ground, perhaps?

Glaaaaaarstar won the SPL play-offs to find themselves at their highest level yet in latitude as well as prestige. The furore of such a southern outfit playing in the North half of step 2 has been much-bitched about, and subsequently forgotten about now the obscenely southern Bishop's Stropford have joined us. The pain of travelling for the rest of us has been lessened slightly by Gloucester's latest exile bringing them slightly up north to Cheltenham Town's place. Personally, Following the Shaymen prefers West Country cider to Home Counties Pimm's, so an away day is an away day, unless it's an away night in the mid-winter with an assignment to hand in the next morning.


The ground

Sources 1 2 3

Sources 1 2 3


So, it's a ground a few of us can remember from the pre-Sat Nav age. Cheltenham's unit will look much more abandoned with 500 or so Gloucestrians and Haligonians dotted about the place, wondering what their younger selves would've thought of this, but there could surely be a way of rehearsing the Town choir after this season's longest trip.
Meadow Park is pictured in part for posterity. The 21-year stay there gave Glaaaaaarstar a fairly brief identity of their own. It will however be a good few years before the Tigers next have something to roar about (a parish periodical-standard pun right there).


The town

Cheltenham was the home of the Tories' choice composer Edward Elgar, a football man himself who once wrote a piece inspired by watching Wolves play: proving somewhat that supporting yer local team has never been very well embraced. All evidence points towards Cheltenham being as southern as fook: horse racing, natural springs, Michelin-star eateries, cultural festivals, a French-named district containing millionaires' townhouses, and being voted as a decent place to live. If we can't afford to assimilate for the day then we may have to be our own tourist attractions.

For the ambitious, cross-country trains meet Cheltenham from Leeds and occasionally Manchester Piccadilly.


Will we need to segregate?

*cough*



Won't you please leave a comment?

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide IX: GUISELEY AFC.


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Nethermoor Park
Otley Road
Leeds
LS20 8BT
Nickname

The Lions

But we call them

Disguiseley, Harry Ramsden AFC


Billy basics

Managers: Steve Kittrick, Chris Holland
Founded: 1909
2010/11: 5th, Conf North
2009/10: 1st, Northern Premier League
2008/09: 4th, Northern Premier League
Highest position: 2010/11: 5th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: 472


Who are Harry Ramsden AFC?

Harry Ramsden AFC didn't just form for the halibut. Oh no, they were really salmon else, an amateur team formed by local "enthusiasts" and full of that non-league sole. Skate-ing from the Wharfedale League to the Leeds League right over to the West Riding County League in the first few decades of the 20th century. They kept a brill-iant record in the various West Riding leagues, winning championships and the local Wharfedale Cup nine times out of ten in the '60s. The whiting was on the wall for the West Yorkshire league when they caught a whiff of the Yorkshire League, finding a plaice in its top tier in the late '70s, hooking up the West Riding Challenge Cup thrice in a row.

In 1982 they scampi-d off to the newly-formed NECL Premier League, taking a couple of pikes at the promotion spot before getting there fo' real in 1991. They reached the FA Vase final in '90, '91 and '92, and were squids in when they won it on their promotion season. Success abounded and the Guiseley faithful were clam-ing for more. It came when they won promotion to the top tier of the Northern Premier League in 1994. Haddock they reached the end of their boundless success? Oh my cod, of course not! In their first NPL season, dab-handed Guiseley earned an FA Cup 1st Round tie against Carlisle United at Valley Parade in front of 6,548 fans, but were battered.

Guiseley then flounder-ed in 2000 when they were relegated back to the NPL Division 1 North, but fans couldn't be too trout-faced when league restructuring saw them in the Premier again in 2004. The Conference North promotion bid had begun, but something started to smell fishy. The fish smell turned out to be one of burning: their main stand was subject to an arson attack in 2008 that would've cost something to the tuna £20,000 to mend. The ruined stand clearly needed a good sturgeon. It didn't take long for Guiseley to confront the problem and mullet over; a replacement 300-seater stand was built in 2009.

Guiseley got their latest bite of success in 2010 as they perch-ed at the top of the Northern Premier League on the final day of the season, and became a minnow in the Conference North. This lowly status was a red herring: they earnt a 5th place in 2010/11, bowing out of the play-offs in the final at AFC Telford United's plaice (you've already done that one - Ed.). Guiseley continue their search for an umpteenth promotion in the 2011/12 season, and are currently preparing their home-bass for Conference National standard football. Tinpot? Guiseley frankly don't give a pollock. They're officially the second most threatening Conference North team in West Yorkshire.


The ground

Sources 1 2
Enough with the fish puns (the only reason being I've run out of them). The idea of Guiseley's ground being in the Conference National in its old form would blow claims of Throstle Nest being a garden shed straight out of the water. The new main stand is a smallie of course, and a temporary stand beside it has been added, as well as a few steps behind the adjacent Railway End. With this in mind it's all-systems-go at Nethermoor Park for competing in a national league for the first time in their increasingly-successful history.


The town

You guessed it—Guiseley is home to Britain's best-loved and largest fish and chips restaurant: big ol' Harry Ramsden's. Where else would you go? Guiseley itself is a Leeds 'burb in all honesty, the ground located on the Otley Road that goes straight up from the University. That's more or less it. The ground is just up from the station with frequent trains from Leeds, as well as buses.


Will we need to segregate?

With just 200 or so stuck in a corner of the New Bucks Head on their big play-off final day, it seems as if our nearest Conference neighbours won't be prepared to pack out San Shayro.



Be part of history, leave a comment.

Cack-Handed Away Guide VIII: GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY FC.


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Gainsborough Trinity FC
Northolme
Gainsborough
Lincolnshire
DN21 2QW
Nickname

The Holy Blues, The Recreationists, Trinity

But we call them

Gainsboring, Tinpot Trinity


Billy basics

Managers: Brian Little, Gavin Ward
Founded: 1873
2010/11: 18th, Conf North
2009/10: 14th, Conf North
2008/09: 13th, Conf North
Highest position: 2004/05, 2006/07: 11th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: 378


Who are Gainsboring?

Pub teams? In the Conference North? Nuh-uh! Only if you're Droylsden. Gainsboring can be considered summin' else entirely: a church team. A frackin' posh church team of that, set up by Old Harrovian vicar G.L. Hodgkinson. And did this bring them riches? Did the Northolme become holy ground? Read on, dear non-leaguer.

Gainsboring were precocious in the little success they've had, earning a Third Round tie in the FA Cup way back in 1887, and ever since they've regularly met the giants in the FA Cup, but just haven't got around to killing them yet. Just a couple of years later they also won the Lincolnshire Senior Cup, and have repeated this success another seventeen times. They always have won the odd regional trophy and little beyond. In the league however, they have the most average of stories.

Previously on this "Alternative" Away Guide, I mentioned Spartizan Blythe have never been relegated. Well, Gainsbore haven't either. And neither have they been promoted. Gainsboring joined the Midland League in 1889, earning election to the old Division Two in 1896. They became non-league again six years later after being voted out, rejoining the Midland League. Over the decades they were champions of the Midland League thrice, but to football's decision-makers at the time, actual promotion was something that happened to other teams in other leagues. They were founder members of the Northern Premier League in 1969, where they stayed like dry rot until becoming founder members of the Conference North in 2004. In recent times the Bores have cried "Enough!" to this mediocrity, bringing a few professionals in including new gaffer Brian Little. The result? Further mediocrity that included last season's relegation battle.

Nonetheless, the money carries on being pumped through by the shilling at Gainsborough. Fresh, cherub-like youthful faces have been added to the squad's make-up as well as Football League dropouts, and in a completely unwarranted move, plans are being made by chairman Peter Swann to build a 4,000-seater stadium elsewhere in Gainsborough. After a few years of planning it over and still without a site in mind, this move smacks of optimism.

Among the Grimsby, Boston, Lincoln and Scunthorpe rejects, a young Neil Warnock once ran laps at the Northolme.


The ground

Sources 1 2
Moving seamlessly on, it seems a shame to let a stadium like this go to waste. At 138 years of age, The Northolme must be one of Britain's oldest intact footballing venues. The size is decent and mighty spacious for Gainsboring's 300 or so home fans, and even the parades of Shaymen may appear dotted over its terraces. We also get a sorta two-tier main stand and a promise of decent views. Plans to transport the few home fans they've got to a vast and somehow "self-sustaining" cavern elsewhere in the town would even make Park Ave's Bob Blackburn smile and nod pitifully.

Models pose in an artist's impression of the new stadium.
The town

Gainsborough is an historic market town on the River Trent home to 20,000 or so lapsed spud-farmers, and almost became England's capital city as recently as 1013. Since then it has resisted change to become a new town with tenuous links to Sheffield.

Aside from the club house, two pubs can be found in the town: the Horse & Jockey and Elm Cottage, both on Church St. Trains can be taken from Leeds to Gainsborough with a transfer at either Meadowhall or Doncaster.


Will we need to segregate?

That's just mean.



Break the awkward silence, leave a comment.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide VII: EASTWOOD TOWN FC.


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Eastwood Town FC
Coronation Park
Chewton Street
Eastwood
Nottinghamshire
NG163HB
Nickname

The Badgers

But we call them

Clint


Billy basics

Manager: ?!
Founded: 1892
2010/11: 4th, Conf North
2009/10: 10th, Conf North
2008/09: 1st, Northern Premier League
Highest position: 2010/11: 4th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: 460


Who are Clint?

Clint Eastwood existed for a couple of years in between the great wars before cropping up for good in 1953, this time as an outfit to be reckoned with for all other counties league teams. Indeed, nothing said "We're Eastwood and we're here" more than a home crowd of 2,723 at home to Enfield in a 1965 Amateur Cup tie. It was in 1971 that Clint began creeping up the leagues, going from the Midland Alliance, all the way up through however many North East Counties divisions there are, and into the Northern Premier League. A cheeky relegation back to the NECL came in 2003 but they returned on the rebound in 2004, rising to the NPL Premier in 2007 and to the Conference North in 2009.

The biggest developments have come in these past few years for Eastwood. A switch from volunteers to paid staff off the pitch has played a part in their attempt for Conference National football in the near future. A great FA Cup run during their last season in the NPL saw them beat SPL side Brackley Town, League Two's Wycombe Wanderers and bow out to Kettering Town in the Third Round. Yes, Kettering in the Third Round. Not even Scunthorpe or Cheltenham. Kettering.

This season saw Eastwood finish 4th, a few weeks after failing to pass the ground grading regulations, allowing 6th-placed Guiseley a passport into them, despite being pretty damn tinpot themselves. It's like the really popular kid not inviting you to her birthday party, but letting in snot-faced Kevin from the year below who still shouts "WASSUUUUP?!?!" at everyone he meets. Luckily for us at least, their development plans for meeting the Conference National guidelines have not been sufficient in convincing their players to be patient, defender Haggerty even jumping ship to join the Shaymen. For Eastwood, the forthcoming season will be a challenge for them to pull off convincingly as the scaffold sprouts up across the ground with a skeletal first team.


The ground

Sources 1 2
Currently Coronation Park is two small seated stands and two small terraces behind either goal. All but the main stand is scheduled for redevelopment however, in order to bump up the capacity to 5,000, should it ever be needed for a town marginally larger than Elland. Its presence in the community will be boosted and large terraced stands are planned behind either goal. For now it should be alright, provided it isn't raining.


The town

It's another smallie, and an ex-mining town on the border between Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire. Decent pubs are as yet unknown, but a museum dedicated to the native author D.H. Lawrence stands, as well as a bleakly large retail centre which I'll mention and plainly refuse to recommend, but it's there if you want a shiny new box to sit on.

By public transport, you can either get to Nottingham by train after exchanging at Wakefield Westgate or Leeds, and Eastwood itself is without a station. Do whatever you did to reach Hucknall. It's probably exactly the same place in real terms.


Will we need to segregate?

Doubt it.



Leave a comment, especially if you have a pub to recommend.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide VI: DROYLSDEN FC.


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Droylsden FC
Butchers Arms Ground
Market Street
Droylsden
Manchester
M437AW

Nickname

The Bloods

But we call them

Dresden


Billy basics
 
Managers: Dave Pace, Dave Pace and Dave Pace
Founded: 1892
2010/11: 8th, Conf North
2009/10: 5th, Conf North
2008/09: 7th Conf North
Highest position: 2007/08: 24th, Conference National. Swag.
Average attendance 2010/11: 311


Who are Dresden?

In the 1800s, in a pub somewhere in Ashton, there lived a landlord. He had a pleasant joint with a sizable beer garden round the back. Sadly for him though, it was always occupied by a group of schoolchildren having a good old kickabout. Furious about this, the landlord stomped his feet and gnashed his teeth at them, confiscating any ball that rolled his way. But the boys would still come, hoofing the ball here and there on the well-cut lawn, chatting and chortling amongst themselves. But the landlord had had enough. On his last straw, he erected a sign: "No Ball Games."

Overnight, the beer garden turned from a summery haven full of birdsong and children's playful screams, to a wint'ry cow field full of crabgrass and potholes. It was muddy, frosted over and abandoned. It was in such a state that even a Prescot Cables fan couldn't identify it as a worthy playing field. Eventually, even his most trustworthy clientele stopped coming to the pub, and the landlord was on the verge of selling his wife to a slimy suitor from Skelmersdale. 
 
The landlord then took a sudden turn. He uprooted his No Ball Games sign and opened the back gate for the children to enjoy playing on the lawn once again. Overnight the beer garden went again from dead to alive. The children were happier than ever to have a kickabout, his pub was making roaring trade, and his wife was giving him the best sex ever. One day years later, the now elderly and ailing landlord hobbled into the garden with a pint of Joseph Holt's finest, and with a new generation of children still playing football around him, he expired. How the children wept around him, The Selfish Landlord who became a grandfather to them all, the youngest boy wrapping a string of fresh sausages around his neck. With that, they tried to take themselves more seriously and formed a club in his honour. That club became Droyslden FC, and they play in that beer garden today, The Butcher's Arms. 

Since the landlord's demise, the grounds have again turned into a desolate, wint'ry, empty area devoid of anything human.

In the late '90s though, everything went on the up again. Manager, Chairman and Utter Football Genius Dave Pace™ took over and won them the NPL First Division North championship in 1998/99, before they became founder members of the Conference North in the 2004/05 season. They became champions of said division in the 2006/07 season, and enjoyed a season of Conference National members moaning, "THAT thing passed the ground grading requirements?" The stay was cut short due to them being so abject that they only took three points off the debilitating Halifax Town FC over the entire season. They have remained in the Conference North for three better-than-average seasons. Utter Football Genius Dave Pace™manages them to this date.


The ground

Picture sources 1 2 3

The Butcher's Arms is a vaguely famous footballing venue. For it is the tradition that, for one home game every season, Bloods fans are invited to turn up in butchers overalls and walk around a stadium sprinkled with sawdust. Whether they want to have a butchers at the on-field performance is another matter. However, they have recently been banned from spraying each other with blood, as was the tradition. It's political correctness gone mad!

For the interested Town fan, there's the elevated main stand pictured above, a small terrace going down the opposite touchline and a nicely-sized terrace behind one goal. Behind the other goal is plain ol' hard standing. Last time I visited, someone had kindly left a tenner on the ground for me.


The town

Uh-oh. It's the most innercity Tameside town there is. Droylsden is packed with Mancunians overflowing from the city centre and in the small town itself, there's little to write home about, partly due to the overflow including a criminal element. Those who have rose above the rabble include Communist Party leader Harry Pollitt and budding Manchester United forward Danny Welbeck.

There is no train station in Droylsden and there may as well be no police station either. Take a bus either from Ashton or the city centre.


Will we need to segregate?

Nah.



Leave a comment reminding me how I'm a lazy journo.