Showing posts with label non-league. Show all posts
Showing posts with label non-league. Show all posts

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Stalybridge, Boston and Workington.


Share/Bookmark


The odds have been against me posting anything Town this past month and a bit. Following the Mansfield game I set off from Calderdale to Land's End on my bike, before setting off to Seattle for two weeks (depressing), and now my internet's started functioning properly, here I am.

Watching Town in the Conference North is an improvement. Not that I've seen us put 100% in yet, but I know from these three games that even when it's dross, it's better than watching Worksop players in shelf-stacker shirts falling about like babbies in the midwinter night. The worry is, when will we attain the pace that we've found is necessary to challenge in the Conference North?


The first game is Stalybridge Celtic at home, and my lift is so late that I miss their first goal. It was a penalty conceded by Scott McManus again (Slapp MyMissus), and prolific Stalyvegas striker Phil Marsh put it away. Stalyvegas brought 120 or so over who made a bit of noise and initially, we competed quite well with that. But when James Dean squared it in, Lee Gregory beat the 'keeper to smack the ball in at the other side before too long. It's good to be back, and the Shaymen were putting in a good case for themselves against the table leaders, who had already won their first four games. It wasn't too long after however, that Slapp MyMissus this time failed to take down his opposition as Hogan gave away the ball, and as Eastwood failed to catch the ball, Stalyvegas' Jennings placed the ball in. MyMissus was then, thankfully, substituted.



In the second half, tedium set in. Oh, that second half really was a pain. Much possession from defense to attack, but as soon as we got within 25 yards of the net we became hopeless, without ideas and worried to commit to any ball into the box, let alone shot. On the other side, Stalyfuse hadn't bothered to put the game away for themselves as the tempo of the game slowed and slowed. So in the 91st minute what happened? Aaron 'Ardy was taken down in the box, Town were immediately rewarded a penalty, and what does Baker do? He tucks it in. 2–2 at full-time; Stalyfuse's perfect points tally is no more. The Shaymen are mid-table, but they can silence a full-time Stalyfuse outfit who really were getting rowdy.


A loss, a win and three draws preceded Bank Holiday Monday's game at Boston United. Not so good then, but just two points off where we were last year when we, of course, pissed that tinpot league. Arriving in the Fens I was surprised at how pleasant it looked compared to so much of the crap I'd seen the week before in America, despite as being as flat as a pancake. My lift was late and I missed the first 15 minutes. It appeared we'd already scored this time, but it was just the atmosphere! After the past three seasons you're not used to an away game where the two sides' fans are chanting, but today we were being told by the Boston ultras that we were "just a small town in Goiseley." We reiterated that they were "just a small town in Poland," and that was the best part of the first half.



Boston fans were as unsettled as us with their start to the season: fairly unsettled. Part of their team had left for a better life at Grimsby Town, who also now have Boston's manager and assistant manager. Where were Grimsby as a result? In the relegation zone, and with a viral YouTube sensation:


The Pilgrims' main forward right now is, apparently, a Lincolnshire League stalwart. Their attacks were admittedly blunt, but I could easily see the touchline terrace at York St. explode with joy as one of their attacks actually brought some joy. Luckily, even the close efforts were stopped by Simon Eastwood. Meanwhile, attacking towards a terrace of 320 Shaymen, we got closer still. We were alright, followed by good, followed by very unlucky not to get a goal. The closest chances in a tense wait for the one goal that would get us those three points were from Aaron Hardy, whose free header weaved itself above and then left of the goalposts, then Danny Lowe, who was through but couldn't find a trajectory Boston's 42-year-old 'keeper hadn't got covered.


This begged the question, why was it our defenders who got closest to the goal? Why not our strikers? Of course, Jamie Vardy, now one of the non-league's biggest names, is our squad's long-gone number 7. His pace beat the back line countless times and he was a stark joy to watch, a progressively greater pleasure before becoming a forbidden one, leaving for full-time pay at Fleetwood. But he wasn't the only one who brought us this far down the pitch last season, so our remaining strike force shouldn't be this lumpen. With ten minutes to go the goal seemed imminent, but it didn't end up coming and we were left to be philosophical over a 0–0 draw. One of those fairly entertaining 0–0 draws.

Three points had to come at home to Workington Town, and it did. My lift was late and I missed Wukky's first goal. But again we came back, and again it was Lee Gregory who found a close position to finish it. And like a repeat, Tom Baker scored a penalty. Then in the second half, a corner ball came to Tommy again from 20 yards out, which he blasted through the centre, avoiding all bodies in the box and clumsily going through the Wukky 'keeper. I'd divulge further but to make no bones about it, it was a dull match not worth describing in detail both because I already have with others, because these reports are starting to add up in word count as it is, and of course, I'm not being paid to do this. We won 3–1, we won it at a boring ol' canter, and it's encouraging we can still do that.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide XV: HYDE FC.


Share/Bookmark


c/o Hyde FC
Manchester City FC
Etihad Stadium
SportCity
Manchester
M11 3FF
Nickname

The Tigers

But we call them

Jekyll


Billy basics

Manager: Gary Lowe
Founded: 2010
2010/11: 19th, Conference North
Highest position: 2010/11: 19th, Conference North
Average attendance 2010/11: 351


Who are Jekyll?

Hyde FC was invented in 2010 when Manchester City FC announced an exciting and simply un-turn-down-able three-year sponsorship opportunity. This move invented Hyde FC. There is no other team on record representing the villagers of Hyde and their esoteric but charming ways. But if there was, they would have been liquidated by now, and they certainly would not have been called Hyde United FC. No-one calls their team United, and no-one names their stadium after the Arabic word for "United."

In return for the deal, Hyde FC have received £250,000 straight from Manchester City. The ground has been revamped and is now fit for reserve, under-21 and academic matches for Manchester City. Oh, and for Hyde FC themselves. Hyde FC enjoy a special relationship with Manchester City. Hyde FC will continue to enjoy crumbs from the Manchester City table and the City in the Community scheme. The people of Hyde are delighted.

Under the watchful eye of Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Khaldoon Al Mubarak and the rest of the Abu Dhabi United Group, Hyde FC first kicked off in time for the 2010/11 season. Under the watchful eye of Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Khaldoon Al Mubarak and the rest of the Abu Dhabi United Group, Hyde FC finished their first season in a very credible 19th place. Under the watchful eye of Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Khaldoon Al Mubarak and the rest of the Abu Dhabi United Group, Hyde FC plan to galvanise this success in the forthcoming seasons.


The ground

Sources 1 2 3

 Ewen Fields (now Etihad Fields) was built for £1,100 in 1885. Manchester City FC will always be at the forefront of good footballing deals. However, since Hyde didn't exist until 2010 their record attendance is currently 606. That's a lot of bucket collectors. Etihad Fields is made up of five stands including the Scrattin' Shed and the Tinker's Passage End. Aside from Manchester City's Etihad Stadium, on match days Hyde's stadium is the 2nd most empty venue in Greater Manchester.


The town

Two names for you: Myra Hindley and Dr Harold Shipman.

Trains take 15 minutes from Manchester Piccadilly.

Recommend us some Man City-approved watering holes plz.


Will we need to segregate?

Nay.


Cack-Handed Away Guide XIV: NUNEATON TOWN FC.


Share/Bookmark


Nuneaton Town FC
Liberty Way
Nuneaton
Warwickshire
CV11 6RR
Nickname

The Boro

But we call them

Nuneatin, The Tin


Billy basics

Manager: Kevin Wilkin
Founded: 1889/1937/1991/2008
2010/11: 6th, Conference North
2009/10: 2nd, Southern Premier
2008/09: 2nd, Southern Midlands
Highest position: 2006/07: 6th, Conference North (2nd, Alliance Premier as Borough)
Average attendance 2010/11: 953


Who are The Tin?

The Tin have claimed a handful of guises in the past and I'm not sure whether I should let them lay claim to them. Claiming Nuneatin's earlier identities would be like claiming a soggy, unwrapped Chewit from the floor of a changing cubicle at the swimming pool however, so let them have it if it pleases them. 

Tin #1: 1889-born local church team playing on local fields in typical provincial leagues including the Nuneaton League itself, which seems like cheating to me. Folded after getting rid of their ground in 1937.

Tin #2: slightly-less-provincial outfit Nuneaton Borough, who joined the Southern Premier in 1958 reaching the Alliance League in 1979, that famous non-league apex, able to push for the Football League in the mid '80s. With the '90s came Boro's sad decline though, sorta-reforming in the Southern League Midlands. Their second crack at the big-time then came at the Millennium, occasionally tickling the top spot with the ol' non-league feather duster. They ran out of a puff again in 2003 and dropping to the Southern Premier, unable to take the pressure of being in the same league as the Shaymen. History will (may (might (meh, forget it))) repeat itself. 
Election to the Conference North came in 2004, a league they nearly sussed. Then came their Token Big FA Cup Run® in 2006, but a replay in the Third Round at Middlesborough saw them outclassed 5–2. Finally, the big shock came in spring '08 when Nuneatin's long-term directors left due to ill health, leaving a black hole of debt visible for all. Within a few months the club, having invested a tonne in a ground move from Manor Park to their current Liberty Way, had gone bust.

Tin #3: reformed as Nuneaton Town, the buggers only had to drop two leagues and gained promotion the Southern Midlands League on the first time of asking. A second play-off push made good saw The Tin join the Conference North. Especially in The Land of Tinpot however, no-one likes a show-off. A third play-off tournament in the 2010/11 season came to nowt. Now the Shaymen have joined them in the league again, they couldn't have picked a worse time to attempt for promotion. *puffs chest*

The ground

Sources 1 2 3
The Tin's venue since 1937, Manor Park, saw its last fixture at the end of 2007 against Vauxhall Motors. How moving that must have been.

The ground that ended them last time around, Liberty Way, is where we'll meet in February. Being a 21st century ground, it clings to the underbelly of an industrial estate. "At least it's got a proper name!" I hear you say. Well, it actually does have one of those "official" sponsored names. Are you ready for this? Right. The Triton Showers Community Arena. Swoon.

Originally built with a tarpaulin main stand, the busy builders of Nuneaton have recently finished work on a proper 1000-seater just in time for the Great Invasion of the Shaymen. All the other sides boast low terraces which I'm sure will be crammed too.


The town

Busy little market town nine miles from exotic Coventry and 20 miles from Birmingham and Leicester, you spoilt bastards. Home of the English-sounding frittata, if you want to eat with the best of 'em.

Despite being just down the road from Stinckley, Nuneaton is marginally easier to reach. From Manchester Piccadilly, a transfer can be taken from Stoke-on-Trent to Nuneaton. From Leeds, a transfer can be taken from Birmingham New Street. By car, remember not to get lost in Bermuda, eh.

Please recommend us a watering-hole. :(


Will we need to segregate?

In the possible event of a heated promotion battle.


Sunday, 3 July 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide XIII: HINCKLEY UNITED FC.


Share/Bookmark


Hinckley United FC
Leicester Road
Hinckley
Leicestershire
LE10 3DR
Nickname

The Knitters

But we call them

Stinckley, The Stinck


Billy basics

Manager: Dean Thomas
Founded: 1997
2010/11: 15th, Conference North
2009/10: 7th, Conference North
2008/09: 10th, Conference North
Highest position: 2006/07: 4th, Conference North
Average attendance 2010/11: 433


Who are The Stinck?

Hinckley United was an amalgamation of Hinckley Town and Hinckley Athletic, two probable pub teams that no doubt never got the slightest whiffs of playing real, proper League football. Throughout the mid-'90s Athletic were aiming for promotion from the Southern League whereas Town were in the league below, before arrangement was struck to merge the two teams. Athletic's Conference National hopes after merger for the 1997/98 season must've taken an own goal then, because Hinckley United dropped Athletic down to Town's league. After year-on-year improvement, FC United of Stinckley gained promotion back to the Southern League, earning election for the Conference North in 2004.

In the meantime, Stinckley earnt themselves a couple of cup runs. Bowing out in the 2nd Round of the FA Cup at home to Cheltenham in 2001/02, in their first season of Conference North football they held Brentford to a replay in a 2004/05 2nd Round fixture, losing out 2–1 at Griffin Park. Ambitious as ever, The Stinck saw the Conference North as just another hole to escape from and immediately aimed for promotion again. Their 2006/07 season was the closest they got, but early on in the season, tragedy entered the playing field: centre-half Matt Gadsby died on the pitch during an away game at Harrogate. United adjourned for a month, suffering fixture congestion for the remainder of the season and finishing 4th, losing the play-off finals in the last minute at home to Farsley Celtic.

Things also picked up pace elsewhere. In March 2005 more avenues were opened for the Stinck when the building of their new super-stadium was finished. This slightly-out-of-town-but-loaded-with-facilities-and-training-pitches-and-conference-rooms-and-cantilever-roofs-and-even-the-odd-floodlight ground, De Montfort Park, was financed from the selling of Stinckley's old Middlefield Lane and not much else, as the seasons that followed Stinckley's promotion push were tough ones. Accumulated debt got within a few straws of breaking the Stinck's back, but a winding-up order was avoided and Stinckley enter the 2011/12 season without any I.O.U.'s stuck on the communal fridge.


The ground

Sources 1 2 3
 
 De Montfort Park, aka "The Greene King Stadium," has been declared a work-in-progress. Like planning out a massive shit, the ground is to be developed in "phases." The first phase brought the town a completely useable, three-stand stadium, with the second introducing the 3G and junior pitches. The third phase will be an extension of the West Stand to include seating, with the fourth and vaguest phase seeing stand extensions bringing the capacity to above 6,000. A name as silly as de Montfort could have only come from the 6th and final Earl of Leicester, an opponent to Henry III who died in battle in 1265. That should help you in your next pub quiz.

Of course, this means nothing to us Shaymen when we'll probably only visit Stinckley once. It should be our duty to breathe life into an identikit stadium.


The town

Hinckley itself is a pleasant little market town on all accounts. The first place of interest its Wikipedia page lists is its "award-winning public toilets." So, go there. I won't plagiarise on the pub front, just give a glance at any of the pubs featured on this away fans' rough guide. Hinckley's not that small of a town, but Leicester's also close, of course.

Trains are a nightmare. From Halifax you'll have to make a few changes as no trains go straight from Leeds/Manchester to Leicester, with Leicester trains going direct to Hinckley. From Halifax, trains to Manchester, over to Birmingham New Street followed by Hinckley verge on four hours. To get from Leeds to Leicester, changes can be made at Nottingham, Sheffield, Doncaster etc. You'd be much better off getting the supporters' coach.


Will we need to segregate?

No.


Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide XII: HISTON FC.


Share/Bookmark


Histon FC
The Glass World Stadium
Bridge Road
Impington
Cambridge
CB24 9PH
Nickname

The Stutes

But we call them

Someone suggested Pisston once, but not even I will dignify that


Billy basics

Manager: David Livermore
Founded: 1904
2010/11: 24th, Conference National
2009/10: 18th, Conference National
2008/09: 3rd, Conference National
Highest position: 2008/09: 3rd, Conference National
Average attendance 2010/11: 616


Who are Histon?

That's a good question because the funny thing is, even Histon haven't quite traced back their roots since before the '80s. All those historians in neighbouring Cambridge are wasted. 
In appearance one of the biggest littlest clubs ever, Histon were born as a works side of sorts from a local jam company and were given a patch to play in next door village Impington. Then their tale's another of various county leagues, eventually finding their level in the Eastern Counties League in 1966, incorporating the cream of East Anglian borderline-pub football.

The turn of millennium then saw a bazonkers ascent into Histon almost becoming a household name. Ex-Cambridge United man Steve Fallon brought them into the Southern League's Eastern Division in 1999/2000, a league that proved to be a little harder before they found their feet again and won promotion to the Southern League Premier Division in 2004. The Conference South beckoned in 2005, with a Yeovil Town fixture in the FA Cup 2nd Round and the Cambridgeshire County Cup in the trophy cabinet to galvanise their success. The Stutes Machine went as far as the play-off final on the first time of asking the following season, before going up as champs in 2007 on a heinously comfy 19-point margin. Oh, they also reached the FA Cup 2nd Round again, having a good bash against but eventually losing out to Nuneaton Borough.

Could a village of less than 4,500 just settle for that? As many of you know, things just kept coming. They beat Cambridge United on the first time of asking and finished 7th, giving us Shaymen four points over two league outings on that fateful 2007/08 season. The 2008/09 season was their zenith, beating Leeds United 1–0 in the FA Cup 2nd Round in front of 4,103, topping the league table in the meantime. Nowt like watching Leeds fail to beat such miniscule outfits. The title however eventually went begging, Histon losing to Torquay in the play-off semis.

And that was the last season overseen by Steve Fallon. After he was voted out Histon were found to be very much the small-time, dropping into the southern arse-end of the Conference North for this forthcoming season. Without Fallon's guiding hand, many predict Histon are now following a downward trajectory, their 18/1 championship odds a little optimistic for now.


The ground


Sources 1 2 3
 Just before Histon's growth waned, the Cambridgeshire FA set up shop on Bridge Road (The Glassworld Stadium), building it from what you see in the aerial view above to a League Two-worthy stadium. Another main stand has been built alongside the original structure, with the behind-goal terraces now stretching the pitch widths and new seating built over the touchline terrace. I am not a faithful enough Shayman to know how much of this was intact four seasons ago, but I'm sure they'll be happy to see us again.


The town

The village, even.


Luckily, it's just up the road from Cambridge itself. Weekends spent wondering what to do in Prescot or Bamber Bridge are no more: now you can grab a bike or a punt, and visit a marginally less hostile area. The amount Cambridge has going for it should be satisfactory if a bit of a culture shock compared to the braying hags in the Halifax thoroughfares.


Trains go from Leeds to Cambridge via either Stevenage or Peterborough. Take your pick and have fun.


Will we need to segregate?

In the event they find success again, yes. But even then, no.

 
Bring the servers down, leave a comment.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide IX: GUISELEY AFC.


Share/Bookmark


Nethermoor Park
Otley Road
Leeds
LS20 8BT
Nickname

The Lions

But we call them

Disguiseley, Harry Ramsden AFC


Billy basics

Managers: Steve Kittrick, Chris Holland
Founded: 1909
2010/11: 5th, Conf North
2009/10: 1st, Northern Premier League
2008/09: 4th, Northern Premier League
Highest position: 2010/11: 5th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: 472


Who are Harry Ramsden AFC?

Harry Ramsden AFC didn't just form for the halibut. Oh no, they were really salmon else, an amateur team formed by local "enthusiasts" and full of that non-league sole. Skate-ing from the Wharfedale League to the Leeds League right over to the West Riding County League in the first few decades of the 20th century. They kept a brill-iant record in the various West Riding leagues, winning championships and the local Wharfedale Cup nine times out of ten in the '60s. The whiting was on the wall for the West Yorkshire league when they caught a whiff of the Yorkshire League, finding a plaice in its top tier in the late '70s, hooking up the West Riding Challenge Cup thrice in a row.

In 1982 they scampi-d off to the newly-formed NECL Premier League, taking a couple of pikes at the promotion spot before getting there fo' real in 1991. They reached the FA Vase final in '90, '91 and '92, and were squids in when they won it on their promotion season. Success abounded and the Guiseley faithful were clam-ing for more. It came when they won promotion to the top tier of the Northern Premier League in 1994. Haddock they reached the end of their boundless success? Oh my cod, of course not! In their first NPL season, dab-handed Guiseley earned an FA Cup 1st Round tie against Carlisle United at Valley Parade in front of 6,548 fans, but were battered.

Guiseley then flounder-ed in 2000 when they were relegated back to the NPL Division 1 North, but fans couldn't be too trout-faced when league restructuring saw them in the Premier again in 2004. The Conference North promotion bid had begun, but something started to smell fishy. The fish smell turned out to be one of burning: their main stand was subject to an arson attack in 2008 that would've cost something to the tuna £20,000 to mend. The ruined stand clearly needed a good sturgeon. It didn't take long for Guiseley to confront the problem and mullet over; a replacement 300-seater stand was built in 2009.

Guiseley got their latest bite of success in 2010 as they perch-ed at the top of the Northern Premier League on the final day of the season, and became a minnow in the Conference North. This lowly status was a red herring: they earnt a 5th place in 2010/11, bowing out of the play-offs in the final at AFC Telford United's plaice (you've already done that one - Ed.). Guiseley continue their search for an umpteenth promotion in the 2011/12 season, and are currently preparing their home-bass for Conference National standard football. Tinpot? Guiseley frankly don't give a pollock. They're officially the second most threatening Conference North team in West Yorkshire.


The ground

Sources 1 2
Enough with the fish puns (the only reason being I've run out of them). The idea of Guiseley's ground being in the Conference National in its old form would blow claims of Throstle Nest being a garden shed straight out of the water. The new main stand is a smallie of course, and a temporary stand beside it has been added, as well as a few steps behind the adjacent Railway End. With this in mind it's all-systems-go at Nethermoor Park for competing in a national league for the first time in their increasingly-successful history.


The town

You guessed it—Guiseley is home to Britain's best-loved and largest fish and chips restaurant: big ol' Harry Ramsden's. Where else would you go? Guiseley itself is a Leeds 'burb in all honesty, the ground located on the Otley Road that goes straight up from the University. That's more or less it. The ground is just up from the station with frequent trains from Leeds, as well as buses.


Will we need to segregate?

With just 200 or so stuck in a corner of the New Bucks Head on their big play-off final day, it seems as if our nearest Conference neighbours won't be prepared to pack out San Shayro.



Be part of history, leave a comment.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide VII: EASTWOOD TOWN FC.


Share/Bookmark


Eastwood Town FC
Coronation Park
Chewton Street
Eastwood
Nottinghamshire
NG163HB
Nickname

The Badgers

But we call them

Clint


Billy basics

Manager: ?!
Founded: 1892
2010/11: 4th, Conf North
2009/10: 10th, Conf North
2008/09: 1st, Northern Premier League
Highest position: 2010/11: 4th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: 460


Who are Clint?

Clint Eastwood existed for a couple of years in between the great wars before cropping up for good in 1953, this time as an outfit to be reckoned with for all other counties league teams. Indeed, nothing said "We're Eastwood and we're here" more than a home crowd of 2,723 at home to Enfield in a 1965 Amateur Cup tie. It was in 1971 that Clint began creeping up the leagues, going from the Midland Alliance, all the way up through however many North East Counties divisions there are, and into the Northern Premier League. A cheeky relegation back to the NECL came in 2003 but they returned on the rebound in 2004, rising to the NPL Premier in 2007 and to the Conference North in 2009.

The biggest developments have come in these past few years for Eastwood. A switch from volunteers to paid staff off the pitch has played a part in their attempt for Conference National football in the near future. A great FA Cup run during their last season in the NPL saw them beat SPL side Brackley Town, League Two's Wycombe Wanderers and bow out to Kettering Town in the Third Round. Yes, Kettering in the Third Round. Not even Scunthorpe or Cheltenham. Kettering.

This season saw Eastwood finish 4th, a few weeks after failing to pass the ground grading regulations, allowing 6th-placed Guiseley a passport into them, despite being pretty damn tinpot themselves. It's like the really popular kid not inviting you to her birthday party, but letting in snot-faced Kevin from the year below who still shouts "WASSUUUUP?!?!" at everyone he meets. Luckily for us at least, their development plans for meeting the Conference National guidelines have not been sufficient in convincing their players to be patient, defender Haggerty even jumping ship to join the Shaymen. For Eastwood, the forthcoming season will be a challenge for them to pull off convincingly as the scaffold sprouts up across the ground with a skeletal first team.


The ground

Sources 1 2
Currently Coronation Park is two small seated stands and two small terraces behind either goal. All but the main stand is scheduled for redevelopment however, in order to bump up the capacity to 5,000, should it ever be needed for a town marginally larger than Elland. Its presence in the community will be boosted and large terraced stands are planned behind either goal. For now it should be alright, provided it isn't raining.


The town

It's another smallie, and an ex-mining town on the border between Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire. Decent pubs are as yet unknown, but a museum dedicated to the native author D.H. Lawrence stands, as well as a bleakly large retail centre which I'll mention and plainly refuse to recommend, but it's there if you want a shiny new box to sit on.

By public transport, you can either get to Nottingham by train after exchanging at Wakefield Westgate or Leeds, and Eastwood itself is without a station. Do whatever you did to reach Hucknall. It's probably exactly the same place in real terms.


Will we need to segregate?

Doubt it.



Leave a comment, especially if you have a pub to recommend.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide II: BLYTH SPARTANS AFC.


Share/Bookmark


Blyth Spartans AFC
Croft Park
Blyth
Northumberland
NE24 3JE 



Nickname

The Spartans

But we call them

Spartizan Blythe


Billy basics

Manager: Mick Tait, ass. Chris Swailes (the ex-Bury, Doncaster and Ipswich one)
Founded: 1899
2010/11: 9th, Conf North
2009/10: 13th, Conf North
2008/09: 15th, Conf North
Highest position: 2006/07: 7th, Conf North
Average attendance 2010/11: ~450


Who are Spartizan Blythe?

Apparently "the only team to have never been relegated," Spartizan have the pride and honour of being another club that specialise in giant killing. They got closer than the propaganda and lies behind Creepy Crawley did this 2010/11 season way back in 1977/78, when they took Wrexham to a replay in the 5th Round of the FA Cup. And like Crawley, they have a song to commemorate their success. The difference? Blyth's was actually good and catchy:


In other notable efforts, they got to Reading in the 3rd Round in 1971/72, Stockport in 1995/96 in the 2nd Round, and at home to Blackburn Rovers in the 3rd Round in 2008/09, where a single goal and five leagues separated the two teams.

Even the most brainless supporter of The League of Foreign Millionaires wouldn't dismiss this ahem, plucky little non-league side as "shit," seeing as their history is seemingly unblemished with turmoil on or off the field. Going competitive in 1901, they prattled around in regional leagues until each one folded right before their eyes, until election to the Northern League in 1964. They remained here until 1994, already having been champions ten times and runners-up five times. After making it into the 1st Division of the Northern Premier League, they won a second consecutive promotion to the Premier Division. Despite missing the boat to the newly-established Conference North in 2004/05, they acted fast and earnt a place there in 2006. They've held their own here ever since.

To top it off, amidst countless esoteric cups, Blyth reached the FA Trophy Quarter Finals in '80 and '83, way back in their Northern League days. Their ambition a different flavour to the Shaymen's, we'll see which can out-muscle the other. Their striker Paul Brayson was one of the team that merked us at Newcastle Blue Star in our first season in this guise, before Blue Star imploded to everyone's indifference, their players leaving for Blyth and Spennymoor. Now aged 33, it will be our duty to find him a suitable retirement home. A final Spartizan claim-to-fame has been something a little out of keeping with their boundless triumphs:



The ground

Picture sources: 1 2 3

Yes, boys and girls, that really is a two-tiered stand. The entrepreneurial heads of Blyth have taken advantage of their recent earnings by creating a Conference-standard stadium. In 2003 new seating and concrete terracing was put in place, followed by an extended roof and bottom-tier seating for their main Port of Blyth Stand in 2007. All stands are now covered, just for us lucky travelling Shaymen. If you arrive at a place a little smaller-looking, you may have arrived at the ground of the aggressively non-league Blyth Town. The ground is located by the seaside, but hopefully there won't be as much broken glass and used condoms littering the pitch as there will be on the beach. Let's at least hope the seagulls aren't fishing in this one.


The town

130 miles from Halifax, getting to Blyth is a little more of a challenge than we've been used to. In Blyth, this translates to a derby: the poor bastards having to travel 90 and 100 miles respectively to get to local rivals Harrogate and Workington. It's a port town 15 miles up from Newcastle, so for those looking for a pub please stay in Blyth, and those looking for a night or seven of moral turpitude involving nearly-nekked Geordie lasses in Jägerbomb-freezing temperatures, please go to the Toon, not coming back until you've properly redeemed yourself. Either way, all Shaymen who will be patient enough with public transport will have to transfer at Newcastle. Trains run to the north-east from Leeds, and an overnight stay should be considered. And don't you even think of hitting the Toon with those dolly birds. They will never love you. Yes, I can tell you're thinking it. Just don't.

Blyth itself speaks of fishing, lighthouses, post-coal-mining depression and the inevitable regeneration, in which every boarded-up discount shop in the Blyth Ward will be replaced by a milk bar full of southerners by 2015.


Will we need to segregate?

No.



Give us a favourite local tipple or abuse us in your unsophisticated local dialect by leaving a comment.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.


Share/Bookmark


Altrincham Football Club
Moss Lane
Altrincham
Cheshire
WA15 8AP



Nickname

Alty, The Robins

But we call them

Defaultrincham, The Spawny Gets


Who are Alty?

Well, it just happened to be that Altrincham came first on an alphabetical list on the teams we'll be facing this coming season. Altrincham have only spent one season in the Conference North previous to this, after being promoted through the play-offs in 2005 the year the league was formed. They were subsequently plopped into the child's sandpit that is the Conference National with the Shaymen, and told to be nice to their new buddies. What was to follow? Altrincham were reprieved in 2006, finishing 22nd. They finished 21st in 2007 and were reprieved. They then finished 21st in 2008. Super Town of course, managed 20th that season, honourable given the awfulness of the situation, but were liquidated. So–! As a result, Altrincham were reprieved. But rather than respecting Halifax Town as the reason Alty have been the jammiest bastards in 21st century football, they gloated at our demise. And it's for this reason that our two games against Alty are going to be the biggest score settlers of this coming season.

Beyond this, Alty's history is presented as that of a successful part-time, regional club. Forming as Broadheath FC they quickly became Altrincham FC, were sent down south from the Lancashire Leagues to the Cheshire leagues, and spent almost 50 years there. After six admirable seasons of either being in the mix or leading the pack, they became founder members of the Northern Premier League in 1968, landing a spot in the Alliance (Conference) in 1979. These were their halcyon years, immediately becoming champions of the Alliance for two seasons running, bowing out to often big Football League opposition in the FA Cup for six out of the 10 seasons in the '80s. Somewhere along the way they found a fan in alternative comedian Frank Sidebottom.

They dropped out of the hatch at the bottom of the Conference in 1997, before coming back for a blur of a season and falling down into the NPL again. Promotion from the new-found Conference North followed in 2005. They were then of course reprieved for the next three seasons in the Conference's bid to devastate otherwise slightly less unsuccessful teams such as Town, and here we are today in the confusing world of Twitters, e-Facebooks and strangely realistic Japanese sex dolls. Unfortunately, the webmaster of Alty's official site hasn't yet been told of such modernisation.

The 2010/11 saw the Robins go part-time again and totter around the relegation spots for the season's entirety. Historic debts however have claimed to be paid off, and sensible management has thus brought Altrincham to an arguably more natural level.

Altrincham retain a lifelong rivalry with the locals at Macclesfield Town. Fortunes have been disparate however, and much like the Shaymen's out-of-date rivalries with Huddersfield and Rochdull, chances are the two teams won't meet for a while. Northwich Victoria have also been past rivals, but I'm sure that feeling has turned into one much worse for the Vics: sheer pity.


The Ground


Moss Lane is an old-school effort built in limited space with seemingly decent seater stands and good terraces elsewhere, ideal for troubling goalkeepers. Provided the revenge factor's still there by then, we should bring several hundred to the wrong side of the Pennines. Parking is very limited, such is the tinpottery of it all. Possible segregation could leave us in a roofless away end, and the Hindu among us may count the port-a-loos as a punishment for deeds done in our past lives.


The town

Located in southernmost Greater Manchester, Altrincham boasts both the wattle-and-daub and distressed brick of Cheshire, and the persistent rainy bleakness of Manchester. It is an average-sized market town that "benefits" from being a commuter centre. It can be accessed by tram and bus from Manchester city centre, eight miles north-east. Alternatively, trains from Piccadilly should get you there within half an hour. Local pubs include the King George and the Bridge Inn, provided they haven't closed by time of visit. Altrincham is of course pronounced "Ol-tring-um." Don't embarrass yourself.

Aside from the much-maligned Frank Sidebottom, Ian Brown of the Stone Roses once roamed Altrincham's charter'd streets. Man City and United players are also professed to live there, but in the posh areas obviously.


Will we need to segregate?

Mmmaybe. You'd like to think 200 or so would bother with the trip, but don't bank on it.


If you have a pub to recommend or a bone to pick, please leave a comment.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 13/04/11.


Share/Bookmark


My first shout out in a programme. Bright pastures ahead.

After a washout which stranded several hundred Shaymen in Whitby this February, it would've been more ideal if we could try again last Saturday, rather than midweek. Were we to have won the title here on a Saturday the turnout and resultant atmosphere would have been fantastic, but instead 250 Shaymen made a Wednesday night trip in search of three points we didn't even need. On the other hand, Whitby really needed this. Three points wouldn't've given them mathematical safety, but realistically that's all they need to stay up this season.

In my sad, cold life, bereft of all pleasures of the flesh, this 200-mile round trip is the longest I've done midweek. I await your applause. Setting off at 3pm I got a lift and spent a comfy half-hour over a Theakston's Best Bitter in the clubhouse in good Shayman company. Still reeling from the losses of the Whitby–FCHT fixture that was called off, the bloke at the turnstiles charged me for an adult price, despite qualifying as a concession. Cameron's Britain, eh. I picked up an enamel badge and found an atrocious old Whitby Town on Tour t-shirt designed poorly on Microsoft Word that I don't believe I didn't buy on the spot.


The main stand at Whitby is average-sized for this level but impressive and boasts a great view. After dribbling some mushy peas down my shirt and trousers however, I left for the terrace on the opposite touchline, also of a decent size. Behind the nets on either side is hard standing that opens up to housing behind. The pitch had made a marked improvement from its state during the washout, where a dozen seagulls were occupying some small pools in it, looking for lunch.


In the first 15, Whitby showed their desire, forcing Hedgey to draw out his land in the box. We kept up a resistance and Whitby 'keeper David Campbell made a decision suitable of someone twice his age when the 40-year-old walked out of the box with the ball, only for Danny Holland to intercept him and almost get a second touch which would've found the net. It was then Ibby Hassan who had his clearance blocked for Holland to take control of, and to cross it in for Greggers to despatch from a few yards out and open up the scoring. Few chances came between that and our second, a bouncing Holland header from a free-kick that outwitted the handful of Seasiders in the box. The game descended into pure merkage when Phelan showed quick feet to boot one into the uncovered top-right of the net from Tommy Ten Men's delivery. From five vague chances we'd been more clinical than ever and put the match away.


The second half came without grief. Lowe's shot was too hot for Campbell to handle, resulting in Greggers missing another of those hilarious open nets. Some hint of momentum then came when Whitby's top goalscorer Jimmy Beadle pushed a daisy-cutter past Hedgey from 15 yards at slo-mo speed. Six minutes later, following a facile decision from the ref', Tommy Ten Men fell in his box and subsequently pelted it into the top left corner to restore the three-goal margin at 4–1. Were that penalty a woman, it'd be someone juicy if a little vintage. Fiona Bruce perhaps. A Whitby midfielder yelped "We're being made to look small!" as we playfully ruffled their hair through the second half. Probably a bit late telling them that, pal. We made our Whitby league aggregate 10–2 as the match came to a close, Phelan rolling it in.


The cheers from the Halifax 'alf of the crowd were more of what you'd hear if we were thrashing Lincoln Moorlands Railway pre-season. Whitby had to find their points elsewhere, and since have done against rivals Mickey Mouse Sports and Ashton United. Good for them, a top town that deserves good rep, y'all. Despite intimidation from pockets of Whitby yoof, we made it home intact. Project 100 Points is very much on.


Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; att. 491
Match: 7/10
Atmosphere: 2/10
Food: 6/10
Drink: 7/10
Clubhouse/bar: 8/10
People: 4/10
Programme: didn't get, but thanks for the shout, Goosey.
Town: 10/10
Ground: 8/10
Talent: 2/10
Overall day: 8/10

Monday, 4 April 2011

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.


Share/Bookmark



If we'd won this one and Buxton dropped points, we'd have won the title once and for all. HALIFAAAXXX TOOOWWWNNN.

Which is precisely what didn't happen, despite going up in the second minute as a Vardy cross turned into a Holland header which turned into a Gregory tap-in as the three Matlock players running to the line were left helpless. An easy start as any, but during a threatening attack from the Gladiators 'Ardy blocked a shot off the line, before missing the ball and felling the soon-to-be Torquay full-timer Ross Hannah. The penalty was taken by the leader of Matlock's one-man-band himself, and the intimidating noise from the South Stand wasn't enough to deter him. After 14 minutes, it stood 1–1. For a while, the atmosphere which made Saturday's crowd appear larger than the official figure was brought down enough for, say, 30 or so travelling Matlock fans to become audible. I remember a similar amount coming from Farnborough midweek several years ago and finding it very funny, but now I react to it with a "Hey wow, haven't they got a great bunch of fans."


We remained relatively entertaining for a first half however, and were rewarded for shining with confidence as Vardy squared the ball in for Gregory to tap it in again. We were once again content to turn up on time for the promotion party under a cool spring sun, with Ossett-Buxton scoreless. As those scores stood we were mathematically going up, but sadly one goal went the wrong way in either game.


The Gladiators returned in the second half with two substitutions. Ross Hannah off, and their number nine off, though of course no-one knew his name as he wasn't Ross Hannah. This should've meant a more defensive second half for them surely, but on the 50th minute we gave CM Scott Phelan the first run since his injury, and for a quarter of an hour Town domination became the fashion. This is when we should've scored to make it 3–1, to make Matlock fall apart. As for Gladiators, they were far more interested in falling about the place than putting up a fight. Well, when they were drawing anyway. The chance that really should've put the game away was man of the match Garner's long-ranger which the 'keeper dropped like a flying cactus, and Lee Gregory couldn't reply to make it a hat-trick. A similar free kick to Garner's shot got easily saved, while a Matlock free kick at the other end went under the wall, bounced off the bottom post and Hedge displayed feline reflexes to box its rebound out of the way. Matlock's chance of the match was followed by a lovely bit of slapstick where Lee Gregory booted a ball for the net, and instead it met their #3's face, which floored the poor bastard.


And then, the 88th minute. Some Matlock player threw himself to the ground as Tommy Ten Men Baker leapt for the ball and for the millionth time in his career, wee Tom was punished for being the one to stay on two feet following the challenge. Matlock had a second penalty, and made it a 100% conversion rate. I imagine Matlock fans would always have a bit of dissatisfaction for the way they took a point back to the Peak District there, as I would've. With four minutes added time we lacked the tempo to create anything from that point, and as still-proud Shaymen left the ground, Aspin stormed onto the pitch to tell the ref' his interpretation of events. Oh well, we wanted to win the title at Retford's cow field anyway.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; att. 2132.
Entertainment: 7/10

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Halifax Town 3 – 2 Chasetown; 22/03/11.


Share/Bookmark


Some games really do remind me why I'm here in the first place. Some games only do this in the final minute of normal time. And some of these games look like nothing worth remembering would ever come from them until they're on the verge of waving all the effort, time and money you've dissipated over the years towards football games in front of you while laughing and pointing.

 Baker having a shot. He had a good game as per, but this one got immediately blocked.

There was nothing to report on in the first half of this game. As for shots there may have been one, maybe two, maybe a bit more than that, but nothing close to testing on either side. Just a void of non-football you'd more likely expect if you spent 15 hours of minimum wage money on 90 minutes at Stamford Bridge or Wastelands. The most interesting thing of the half was a mad old man shouting incomprehensibly from the top of the South Stand, and you see those types around Halifax all the time anyway.

Then, after a similar 45th–70th minute stretch, Ben Jevons made it by striking past his men and past Hedgey into the net. Chasetown were winning. Sadly, our play wasn't looking too good before or after this goal, or at least not so much until Vardy turned at speed during a goalmouth scramble to put the ball away. This was in the 84th minute, and it was this minute that the adrenaline started flowing through every last tissue in every Shayman's body. We brought up the choking clutch and sped off. We became a full attacking force, and shortly afterwards a Liam Hogan 35-yarder shot just over like a practising army pilot would skim a green hill at supersonic speed. And Vardy got his second: the classic 'keeper-off-his-line cross. The sound was unbelievable, and they echoed across the Shay right up until the rotund Gary Birch did precisely what Vardy had just done at the other end. It was the Chase faithful's turn to go crackers.

Lift your Shaymen fists like antennas to heaven.

And then. Following a few attempts to move forward by the Scholars, we managed to boot it up field. The ball inevitably got to Jamie Vardy amongst the hordes lining the outside of the Chasetown box. Vardy left three of their defenders standing in his effortless way and blasted it into the top fucking corner. 93 minutes in. A nine minute hat-trick. AFTER being chosen the man of the match. Nine minutes to change a match report I dreaded writing up into one that exhilarates me to write up.

That night, Doncaster Rovers offered £10k for the man who made the difference from this scoreline being 0–2 to it being 3–2. You can guess how we responded.

Halifax Town 3 – 2 Chasetown; att. 1353.
Entertainment: 0/10 for first 70, 10/10 for final 10.