Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 13/04/11.

Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 13/04/11.

My first shout out in a programme. Bright pastures ahead.

After a washout which stranded several hundred Shaymen in Whitby this February, it would've been more ideal if we could try again last Saturday, rather than midweek. Were we to have won the title here on a Saturday the turnout and resultant atmosphere would have been fantastic, but instead 250 Shaymen made a Wednesday night trip in search of three points we didn't even need. On the other hand, Whitby really needed this. Three points wouldn't've given them mathematical safety, but realistically that's all they need to stay up this season.

In my sad, cold life, bereft of all pleasures of the flesh, this 200-mile round trip is the longest I've done midweek. I await your applause. Setting off at 3pm I got a lift and spent a comfy half-hour over a Theakston's Best Bitter in the clubhouse in good Shayman company. Still reeling from the losses of the Whitby–FCHT fixture that was called off, the bloke at the turnstiles charged me for an adult price, despite qualifying as a concession. Cameron's Britain, eh. I picked up an enamel badge and found an atrocious old Whitby Town on Tour t-shirt designed poorly on Microsoft Word that I don't believe I didn't buy on the spot.

The main stand at Whitby is average-sized for this level but impressive and boasts a great view. After dribbling some mushy peas down my shirt and trousers however, I left for the terrace on the opposite touchline, also of a decent size. Behind the nets on either side is hard standing that opens up to housing behind. The pitch had made a marked improvement from its state during the washout, where a dozen seagulls were occupying some small pools in it, looking for lunch.

 

In the first 15, Whitby showed their desire, forcing Hedgey to draw out his land in the box. We kept up a resistance and Whitby 'keeper David Campbell made a decision suitable of someone twice his age when the 40-year-old walked out of the box with the ball, only for Danny Holland to intercept him and almost get a second touch which would've found the net. It was then Ibby Hassan who had his clearance blocked for Holland to take control of, and to cross it in for Greggers to despatch from a few yards out and open up the scoring. Few chances came between that and our second, a bouncing Holland header from a free-kick that outwitted the handful of Seasiders in the box. The game descended into pure merkage when Phelan showed quick feet to boot one into the uncovered top-right of the net from Tommy Ten Men's delivery. From five vague chances we'd been more clinical than ever and put the match away.

The second half came without grief. Lowe's shot was too hot for Campbell to handle, resulting in Greggers missing another of those hilarious open nets. Some hint of momentum then came when Whitby's top goalscorer Jimmy Beadle pushed a daisy-cutter past Hedgey from 15 yards at slo-mo speed. Six minutes later, following a facile decision from the ref', Tommy Ten Men fell in his box and subsequently pelted it into the top left corner to restore the three-goal margin at 4–1. Were that penalty a woman, it'd be someone juicy if a little vintage. Fiona Bruce perhaps. A Whitby midfielder yelped "We're being made to look small!" as we playfully ruffled their hair through the second half. Probably a bit late telling them that, pal. We made our Whitby league aggregate 10–2 as the match came to a close, Phelan rolling it in.

The cheers from the Halifax 'alf of the crowd were more of what you'd hear if we were thrashing Lincoln Moorlands Railway pre-season. Whitby had to find their points elsewhere, and since have done against rivals Mickey Mouse Sports and Ashton United. Good for them, a top town that deserves good rep, y'all. Despite intimidation from pockets of Whitby yoof, we made it home intact. Project 100 Points is very much on.

Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; att. 491

Match: 7/10
Atmosphere: 2/10
Food: 6/10
Drink: 7/10
Clubhouse/bar: 8/10
People: 4/10
Programme: didn't get, but thanks for the shout, Goosey.
Town: 10/10
Ground: 8/10
Talent: 2/10
Overall day: 8/10

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

One of the less flattering stats I can uncover for the Shaymen is that previous to our title-winning match at Retford this Saturday, we hadn't kept a clean sheet on aggregate against any team we'd played twice or more this season. For example, we beat Burscough 2–0 away and 3–2 at home, Ashton lost 3–0 at home to us and 1–0 away to us, but scored against us in the FA Cup, etc. Retford's statistics for this game said it all though. Shots off target: 0. Shots on target: 0. Corners: 0. So for a team who made a few attacks in the game, how did they not get any shooting practice? Throw-ins, dear reader. Retford is the European capital of the long throw-in, and the Badgers even hit the post with one this weekend.

Prior to the great badger cull, we'd drawn to Matlock to deny us the title last weekend. On Wednesday, Buxton could no longer catch us up when ex-Shaymen Andy Campbell scored the only goal for Whitby to beat them at the Turnbull Ground. This meant Colwyn could only overtake us . . . if they overcame a goal difference of 54 on us. With Retford propping up the table for the entirety of the season and Colwyn at Buxton, we were DEFINITELY DEFINITELY going to win.

That we did. It took us a little while to work out the pitch at Cannon Park, which had gone from swamp-like when we played there against Worksop in February to like a chicken's mudbath, and then we proceeded to play friendly-style football against a team filled with self-hatred. This self-hatred peaked at around 20 minutes when their #2 and #7 started fighting. Believe in your team, Retford. Cannon Park is still shockingly small and it was almost pointless to sing on hard standing. The park ground I went to today could've held more fans due to its grassy banks, and save the odd dandelion, the pitch was in a similar condition.

Our goal came when we broke on the 23rd minute, Vardy laying it to Lee Gregory who dodged it in an offside position, leaving Holland to come from nowhere. Clean through, he let the ball tumble in from the edge of the box. Two Town fans got on the pitch. Soon after Vardy almost did the same, but took it too far. A few minutes later the Town fans nearly got as noisy again: the lino made a poor decision to award them a goal kick, and when he ran off down the touchline, the flag fell off its stick. He retreated in embarrassment. A few Shaymen stole my "You should've got some Evo-Stik!" line. Liam Hogan made a textbook header from a Garner corner at the close of the half to satisfactorily put us 2–0 up.

The second half was low on entertainment, I'm afraid, but Baker and Holland were very watchable as individuals. I'd be a little worried by this scoreline normally, but the Town were going up. At the final whistle we invaded the pitch. Having done such a rigorous circuit on Friday evening instead of leaping over the barrier I collapsed over it, my sunglasses falling off pitifully, which the Shaymen Player just about missed out on filming, thank god. The Retford players wished us the best and for the next ten minutes we celebrated with our now-topless players in an open rural ground in north Nottinghamshire. The fans jumped up and down singing under a huge FC Halifax Town flag with our all-time top-scorer James Dean. If there's something football's lacking as you go up the leagues . . .

Today is Sunday 10th April. Temperatures have been above 20ºC for the best part of the day. We have five league games left, but today our pre-season began. We'll be looking at how to play in the Conference North, who to pick and who to say goodbye to. We've begun a long promotion party and I hope that you can attend.

 

 

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 829

Match: 5/10
Atmosphere: 8/10
Food: 5/10
Drink: N/A, no ale
Bar: dark and showing the Grand National, yawn
People: didn't see any!
Programme: 6/10
Town: N/A
Ground: 1/10
Talent: 5/10
Overall day: 9/10

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.

If we'd won this one and Buxton dropped points, we'd have won the title once and for all. HALIFAAAXXX TOOOWWWNNN.

Which is precisely what didn't happen, despite going up in the second minute as a Vardy cross turned into a Holland header which turned into a Gregory tap-in as the three Matlock players running to the line were left helpless. An easy start as any, but during a threatening attack from the Gladiators 'Ardy blocked a shot off the line, before missing the ball and felling the soon-to-be Torquay full-timer Ross Hannah. The penalty was taken by the leader of Matlock's one-man-band himself, and the intimidating noise from the South Stand wasn't enough to deter him. After 14 minutes, it stood 1–1. For a while, the atmosphere which made Saturday's crowd appear larger than the official figure was brought down enough for, say, 30 or so travelling Matlock fans to become audible. I remember a similar amount coming from Farnborough midweek several years ago and finding it very funny, but now I react to it with a "Hey wow, haven't they got a great bunch of fans."

 

We remained relatively entertaining for a first half however, and were rewarded for shining with confidence as Vardy squared the ball in for Gregory to tap it in again. We were once again content to turn up on time for the promotion party under a cool spring sun, with Ossett-Buxton scoreless. As those scores stood we were mathematically going up, but sadly one goal went the wrong way in either game.

The Gladiators returned in the second half with two substitutions. Ross Hannah off, and their number nine off, though of course no-one knew his name as he wasn't Ross Hannah. This should've meant a more defensive second half for them surely, but on the 50th minute we gave CM Scott Phelan the first run since his injury, and for a quarter of an hour Town domination became the fashion. This is when we should've scored to make it 3–1, to make Matlock fall apart. As for Gladiators, they were far more interested in falling about the place than putting up a fight. Well, when they were drawing anyway. The chance that really should've put the game away was man of the match Garner's long-ranger which the 'keeper dropped like a flying cactus, and Lee Gregory couldn't reply to make it a hat-trick. A similar free kick to Garner's shot got easily saved, while a Matlock free kick at the other end went under the wall, bounced off the bottom post and Hedge displayed feline reflexes to box its rebound out of the way. Matlock's chance of the match was followed by a lovely bit of slapstick where Lee Gregory booted a ball for the net, and instead it met their #3's face, which floored the poor bastard.

And then, the 88th minute. Some Matlock player threw himself to the ground as Tommy Ten Men Baker leapt for the ball and for the millionth time in his career, wee Tom was punished for being the one to stay on two feet following the challenge. Matlock had a second penalty, and made it a 100% conversion rate. I imagine Matlock fans would always have a bit of dissatisfaction for the way they took a point back to the Peak District there, as I would've. With four minutes added time we lacked the tempo to create anything from that point, and as still-proud Shaymen left the ground, Aspin stormed onto the pitch to tell the ref' his interpretation of events. Oh well, we wanted to win the title at Retford's cow field anyway.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; att. 2132.

Entertainment: 7/10

Hucknall Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 19/03/11.

Hucknall Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 19/03/11.

 

With eleven games to go, consensus was only winning five or so of these would edge us the title. Out of these we were yet to play games against Hucknall, Ossett, Retford, Mickleover and Whitby. Boxes well and truly ticked, hopefully. Today, the box in question was Hucknall, a suburban town hovering above Nottingham that held host to Conference North football in the past decade. Third bottom at the moment, if they don't buck their ideas up this will be NPL1 football this autumn. Swings and roundabouts I suppose, as in the '90s they climbed two tiers from the Northern Counties East League to the NPL under John Ramshaw.

 

Bit of thumb in the way there.

Making decent time we stopped in Linby, a midland village looking idyllic in spring's first t-shirt weather. After a gorgeous small platter of onion rings, breaded mushrooms and chips we easily found Hucknall's Watnall Road ground, unprepared for one of the most berserk jobsworth experiences of my lifetime . . .

You see, today my father paid for me to get in. After drinks in Linby I had to see a man about a dog and walked to the side of the ground where the clubhouse was to relieved myself there. When I tried to go back out again there appeared two old Hucknall types demanding my brother and I show them our tickets for the ground. Since my dad had let us in, he had the tickets and was out of sight. Fortunately, being the sad act I am, I'd taken a picture of the Hucknall team warming up on my phone from inside the ground and showed it these jobsworths, but they were having none of it. We paced around trying to find someone to call our dad for ten minutes, before walking out of the ground and round to the turnstiles where we went through. They wouldn't let us through either as we didn't have tickets, but by chance my father happened to walk by.

These daft little men were unsympathetic and the turnstile guy said to us "To get into the ground, you must have a ticket. Simple." I'd no idea we even were issued tickets for this match. We've only needed to do this before at Sludgeheap Victoria. How dare I go to the clubhouse for a wee when I was none the wiser! Sick of the patronising tone these chumps had given me, I told them in no simpler words that we were never told to have tickets on us at all times, and that I hope Hucknall get relegated. Not something I truly believe about any club in itself (bar the likes of the MK Dons), but if these Little Hitlers give me a kick up the backside, I'll give them one back! I walked off a proud man as he shouted, "YOU WOT!" back and the players took their positions on the pitch.

After fighting the jobsworths and winning we watched the Shaymen get off to a fine start, resulting in one of those precision headers that made time slow down courtesy of Lee Gregory. Hucknall had a fat 'keeper known as Ross who had his WAGs accompany him behind the goal, so would turn around often and get stick from our fans. He'd retort with great banter and a cheeky grin. A far cry from the Buxton goalie last week and I found him a welcome presence! The moment of the match came when he chided his defense with a cry of "Boys, boys, boys!" which got a couple of drunken Shaymen fans chanting back Lady Gaga's "Boys, boys, boys! / We like boys in ca-haaars" lyric for a few minutes. It's the sort of thing that makes you weep with joy. Soon after we were awarded another penalty, but for the first time ever Baker failed to whip it in, and it went straight into Ross' hands! We continued to go forward, as did Hucknall at times, but in general took too many touches on the ball and had more than our fair share of just-over shots. Half-time came after what felt like 20 minutes, and the job had been done so far.

Playing against the sun in the second half we paid for our not-so-clinical play. Fabian Smith broke free at the other side of the pitch and slotted it past Hedge while I wondered why I thought we could just quickly score another and wrap the game up. The goalie cheered up even more, and suddenly a mediocre game became quite frustrating. Their defense wasn't so much good as our control was poor. As things were beginning to look grim, a second Lee Gregory precision header came at the 85th minute and restored our lead. 2–1. Ross slowly turned to pick the ball from the corner of the net and suddenly looked glum, and to tell the truth, I'd learned to feel for this man! As the match went on their blond number 8 became increasingly aggressive. In fact towards the end I think it was he who got one of our players like a pair of scissors in his legs by the touchline. The referee blew and the two players started to come to blows but it turned out he was blowing for full-time. And after all that, phew!

Hucknall 'keeper: good with banter, good bloke.

One thing I was told to note by a Shayman was the tea hut prices here. £3.50 for a cheeseburger. £2.50 for chips. Michelin star prices for non-league food! Genuinely sub-EMC. Fans must eat BEFORE going to Watnall Road. And make sure they have tickets to present at the gates!

Hucknall's is a bogstandard, one-storey ground in need of a lick of paint. Due to its low stands there aren't the sorts of vantage points I'd go for. Its "official" capacity stands at 5,000 however, which means it's bigger than Crawley's, so maybe I'm just being a snob. The car park however was in a state of extreme neglect, and covered in broken glass, which was dangerous both for feet and tyres and simply unacceptable. Neither character nor convenience I guess and the pitch was one that required a little ball control, but edging it against a team who were finally up for turning their fortunes around is what will be remembered. Oh, and the petulance of the jobsworths. Mostly a dull match though, but an interesting away day.

 

Hucknall Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 527

Ground: 3/10

Pitch: 4/10
Programme: 4/10
Talent: 3/10
Entertainment: 4/10
Food: priced out!

Halifax Town 0 – 0 Worksop Town; 01/03/11.

Halifax Town 0 – 0 Worksop Town; 01/03/11.

I left Cannon Park last month feeling happy with a point, thinking "Will Worksop be able to be that physical at a pitch as even and wide as the Shay's? Not likely!"

I'd forgotten all about the bruiser treatment we were given time and time again in the Unibond North. Even though the likes of Suarez (one of the clean ones) were known for great legs at this level, the Tigers just had to resort to anti-Shaymen tactics of either blocking us or going for our ankles whenever we got the ball. This was coupled with unambitious tactics, all players occupying just a quarter of the pitch's size when a dormant Vardy may have been able to break through the Worksop defense. With training session-style ease though, our long balls were headed out by a Worksop back four on top of their game. This 0–0 draw was therefore one with very few shots either side, but somehow gripping because y'know, non-league games can't finish goalless. Something had to come.

Our real worry came when Hogan got a second yellow with 40 minutes left while trying to settle a score through the art of sliding tackles. The formation change brought on Andrew Milne who impressed in his brief appearance, and the teams were still balanced enough. Our two best opportunities were a close range ker-blam from Holland that met the keeper, and a hopeful free-kick in added time which couldn't quite live up to the crowd's desperation. On the other side we held our breath as a the North Stand goals, completely open save two Town defenders, shook when a Worksop striker hit the post before having a second shot intercepted and cleared. Though it's bizarre to think of not even Gregory finding the net in a Town game, Worksop managed to hold back one of part-time football's strongest sets of forwards on an off-day. Hopefully we'll never face them again, even though we may meet many more dirty sides in the future. It'll make a win on Saturday feel more deserved, 'mirite?

Halifax Town 0 – 0 Worksop Town; att. 1318
Entertainment: 5/10

Worksop Town 1 – 1 Halifax Town; 12/02/11.

Worksop Town 1 – 1 Halifax Town; 12/02/11.

Yeah, FINALLY. Sorry. I'm going deep into some sort of knuckle-down mode with my university work now and often days go by without this blog crossing my mind. Checking back on here and seeing that the stats are still great, I've got to continue. My town needs me.

 

Our main strike force (L–R): Vardy, Dean, Holland and Gregory.

Worksop would be, and was, a hard one. Going into the year they were the team closest to our heels, but threw away a few of their games in hand, including a 1–4 home loss to Ossett Town, which was nearly as surprising as if Barclay's were to start paying their taxes. Whatever happened on that day couldn't have been repeated when the champions came to town. By town I don't mean Worksop Town, as they currently groundshare at Retford. And by Retford I mean a bunch of marshy fields outside Retford.

I love the experience of going to these new grounds. Even one-stand parks have charm or things worthy of note. However, Harrogate Railway Athletic the other week had more merit than this place. A rival to AFC Fylde's non-venue, Retford United's Cannon Park has the same flat-pack stand and some corrugated tin going down the hard standing of one goal. Its redeeming feature is a gentle hill behind a decently-sized clubhouse, up which an infinite train of horse vans go. Unlike Fylde's, the pitch is small and monstrously choppy, and so I'm told an improvement from what it was just the week before. Retford United have finished in promotion places for four seasons out of four until a couple of years ago, which is a fair reason for why this place is so tiny. They are currently on their way back down again. Through Retford United, we'll be returning to Cannon Park again.

Bowed Shaymen heads, ashamed by the dull first half.

Worksop have many fans in noticeable scarves which are still swamped by Shaymen, one who staggers out of the club shop some time after kick-off with two full Evo-Stik bags. Perhaps he was stocking up for Christmas 2011, but I'm the one who got the Prescot Cables lapel badge. Things start off all Town attacking before Worksop gain an equal grasp of the game, after which a set piece is met with a Suarez header that strands Hedge. Worksop are up but we maintain a little confidence, or at least enough to try two bicycle kicks à la Wayne Rooney's that day. Obvious influences that didn't give their goalie much of a chance.

Retford will willingly sell that tunnel for just one league point.

To stay in the game Worksop used a fair amount of force, courtesy of their body weights. They held our players back repeatedly when going for headers and hoofed balls into the adjacent marshland, again repeatedly, which made the referee's three added minutes decision seem ludicrous. The physical aspect to the game took us back to last season but to their credit, they gave us no space.

The Cannon Park grandstand.

This made the match exude a feeling similar to that of Clitheroe away last year, coming back from a deficit against a team that gave us no space to turn with the ball. An equaliser wouldn't be a steal though, as we came back in the second half with by far the most attacks. The attacks they had were disconcerting but we survived. We won't survive if Lee Gregory continues to miss efforts from two yards though! A few times, getting a single paw to the ball was all their 'keeper (name still unknown), as Worksop's orange shirts flooded the box with a tried 'n tested 8–1–1 formation and could clear it enough to not have to worry about another Shaymen attack for at least 15 seconds. A penalty shout was turned down when Bower was felled, and you could even hear a faint pained whinnying from a horse that saw it through the windows of a passing horse van. We were awarded with a righteous penalty after a pull in the box, which Baker converted with typical ease and an airborne shot into the left side of the net. That's all we could get, and fair play. It's very likely that Worksop will be fighting in the playoffs and you can take a point at these places. Hopefully we bear another trip back.

Worksop Town 1 – 1 Halifax Town; att. 766

Ground: 1/10

Pitch: 2/10
Programme: 6/10 (Why is there a picture of one of Colwyn Bay's stands on the front of it?)
Talent: N/A
Chips: 5/10

Bradford (Park Avenue) 1 – 3 Halifax Town; 24/01/11.

Bradford (Park Avenue) 1 – 3 Halifax Town; 24/01/11.

 

 This morning we'll be singing 1. All Things Bright and Beautiful, 421. He's Got the Whole World in His Hands and 341. He Who Would Valiant Be.

When interviewed on the Shaymen Player interviewed Neil Aspin after our 8–1 win against Ossett, the first thing he let be known was his "mixed feelings." Our manager felt dissatisfied after recording Halifax Town's best ever league win in 100 years.

Great!

The Park Ave game was originally intended for a Saturday at the end of November, and I remember fetching my bike late the night before to find it covered in snow. The match wasn't to be, and this meant a lower crowd, though still an encouraging 1000 or so Shaymen. What was worse was the temperature, which throughout winter looks a bit like this on a log (Kelvin) temperature scale:

Click to enlarge.

This made it rather difficult to focus on the match as the molecules comprising my body lost their identity and begun to behave as waves, whose patterns quickly begun to overlap each other at a frantic rate. Besides which, the most impressive-looking stand in the league (besides ours) is a let-down when you get there.

The queue was long but the tea ladies kept it moving, though despite their efforts we missed the first few minutes and therefore Vardy's goal! It was close to worth it for the best chips in the league: the sort of splendour you get in good pubs. Our first seating position is towards the bottom of the stand but as high as we can get due to it being packed, and literally half the pitch is obscured by the dugouts. The meal had to be finished quickly, and stood to the top side of the covered stand a better view was found, still obscured by the stand poles and fairly dim floodlights.

The game was a hard watch for most of us because of how hard it was to play. Rain came a few times and the wind was the most powerful I've experienced in the Tin Pot. This ensured our corners would blow out of play most of the time, though is less a disadvantage when it's going your way. Holland fired a ball at the keeper (a master at fumbling the ball), and it flew almost vertically in the air. As Deano anticipated it coming down, it bounced off the ground and 45º into the top of the net! Its dynamics were closer to a rugby ball. The goal was hilarious and worth the asking price of the match.

We realised that Avenue had actually done an alright job in the second half, because running into the wind billowing from the Buttershaw Estate side of the ground was all but took the footballing experience away. They worked the wind well with their first corner. The ball passed the line for about a nanosecond. The lino and ref disagreed on the decision and most of the players joined in the goal dispute. One of them put it that it's physically impossible for Bradford Park Avenue to score a goal, seeing as they failed to score against Retford earlier this season. The other must have followed the cheers from the stands. Of course, this being the seventh tier of English football, nothing was done objectively. I kid, they rightfully halved our lead. 1–2, and with 40 more minutes of dealing with an impeding wind.

 Top tribute to a top fan. Click to enlarge.

Distance from the net when being behind the goal renders it impossible to properly abuse the 'keeper.

Besides the rugby-like movements of the ball, this signalled the turning point where players started engaging in furious rough 'n tumbles: egg chasing, Super League stylée. Vardy's pulled back in their box and we receive a penalty, thank god. It'd be extremely hard for any team to find the net when the wind would change the most blistering shot into an over-hit dribble. Our man Tom Baker buried it into the middle-right of the net, and the two-goal lead was restored.

This blog prides itself in professionalism, but sometimes I take a picture instead of filming and vice versa.

Dissatisfaction with the ref in both camps increases when Scott Phelan rides two dirty tackles followed by another, a hideous two-footer from Avenue's number 3. You can see his arms wave in protest after the first tackle, so it's no surprise that he appeared to retaliate when the number 3 floored him, and this turned into a four-man pile-on. With the fans chanting "OFF!" at the number 3, the ref misconstrued this and sent off Phelan. Wa-hey! Their player/assistant manager picks up on his team-mate's criminal offense, and lays in with a two-footed tackle of his own. Ever an example to the team he dictates, he's sent to the dressing room.

It's fair to say the sides don't like each other anymore. Our best change comes with a long-range shot that the 'keeper, naturally, fumbles, and there was even room for Hedge to spill a ball towards the end of the match too. The ball flew about on its own accord like a cheap fly-away and to some relief of watching a game bereft of many true highlights, the final whistle came. We're now 12 points clear,  21 goals clear and have scored 14 in the last three games. Seasons are never all the same, but our league seems unassailable. We're definitely starting to eye up opposition in the Blue Square North now, like a lad would eye up prettier lasses after finding that his acne has cleared up.

Bradford (Park Avenue) 1 – 3 Halifax Town; att. 1325

Ground: 6/10

Pitch: 6/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: N/A
Chips: 9/10 (succ-u-lent)

Non-partisan entertainment: 5/10

Halifax Town 8 (eight) – 1 Ossett Town; 18/01/11.

Halifax Town 8 (eight) – 1 Ossett Town; 18/01/11.

How are you meant to feel when your team wins say, 8–1? It sounds an absurd question and surely there'd only be one answer. And you'd be right in most cases, but there are some teams that are likable but pitiful, so you just want to laugh at them instead because someone once told you that the only thing worse than derision is pity.

 

In this regard, maybe Ossett Town aren't that bad. They're on nineteen points which puts them at a pretty firm second-bottom, something far from those Retfordian depths of eight points (and counting). It's all in their performance though. They're a footballing side, and a side whose morale seems to betray their league position a little, but the quality of football is akin to eleven dead cows slowly drifting down the Ganges.

We were equally mediocre for the first half-hour. Maybe that makes the seven goals that followed Ossett's equaliser a better achievement, having been put away within an hour. Probably not though as against a sharper team we would've conceded. Hedge did have to force a close-range save, and soon after Tom Baker cleared one off the line. A fairly frustrated "Come on Shaymen!" came following an Ossett corner. Thankfully following one of our shots going just wide, Phelan hit one that 'keeper Neil Bennet parried, and Deano just had to finish it. To amusement, mild annoyance and little fear Ossett quickly equalised with Boardman's head coming straight from a corner. Ears pricked up, but not a cheer could be heard. Another nil-away-fans affair. Boardman et al were pleased and the goalscorer himself even seemed to goad the South Stand to no response, but I didn't even hear them cheer.

Seven more goals:
35. Back turned to the goal, Deano twizzles and lifts a ball into the net's mid-left.
42. Vardy intercepts the ball, squares it at very close range and Gregory thwacks it in.
45. An unmarked Vardy gets in the box and nutmegs Bennett.
*~interlude: half-time kids' penalty shootout~*
51. Vardy punts it from the wing, a defender collides with Dean, making the ball fly in. Bennett, inside the net itself at this moment, punches it out, Phelan hits it back, Bennett punches it back again, and after arguably crossing the line twice, Phelan earns the credit.
(Hardy throughs it to Phelan, Phelan blasts it in after the move is ruled slightly offside.)
65. Ossett's defense doesn't get rid of a ball on the end of the box. Gregory cherry picks it right from them, dummies the keeper, and takes the piss as he waltzes it into the net past a pleading Ossett defender. He then demonstrates his little dance to his teammates.
77. Vardy over to Marshall on the other side of the box, defense running parallel but never attempting to take possession. Marshall dispatches it.
79. That boy Jamie Vardy is FAST. Goes in from the corner of the box. The Ossett players redefine despair to 1284 delighted punters.

And that's why this doesn't feel quite that fulfilling! There's nothing quite so sad as seeing despair in Yorkshiremen's eyes. We play teasing football for the final ten and shake hands with our needy, desperate West Riding compatriots. Paul Sykes is their assistant manager, who came on as a sub for us last season only to walk within two minutes after mindlessly headbutting a player. That's their inspiration. 100 or so go to their matches and I'm not sure if any turned up to this one. Their website hasn't been updated since they announced the postponement of the Boxing Day clash. At least they have good beer.

Before I go to bed, I ask my brother something. He's played for local teams since the age of eight or so. In these local leagues there's always one or two teams at the bottom who see scorelines like this week in, week out. I ask my brother how they manage, and apparently they keep turning up because they love a kick-about with their pals.

Let's hope the same applies to Ossett Town.

Halifax Town 8 – 1 Ossett Town; att. 1284
Entertainment: 8/10

Colwyn Bay 2 – 1 Halifax Town; 03/01/11.

Colwyn Bay 2 – 1 Halifax Town; 03/01/11.

Could you ever believe it? Two matches in three days! Finally, some excitement in our lives! A bank holiday trip to remember and er . . . oh.

At least our two longest journeys are out of the way. Colwyn's a 200-mile round trip to scenic Wales. Pies were forbiddingly served upside down in their polystyrene cases with no vegetarian one on offer. What is to expect of a country where boys leave school at 10 to become mercenaries for various tribes, while the girls are forbidden from even having an education? Adults were charged £7, on the cheap side for NPL games, but a whole week's wages for the average Welsh family.

Some Colwyn pressing quickly followed kick-off, but 'twas us who first threatened to get it in with a Vardy header that hit the post. They were tough oppo' to get through but the work rate between Baker and Phelan edged us. This was brought to the score sheet after 27 minutes when Phelan decided to take one of his hits and it fired in from outside the box. Phelan is always known to hit the woodwork with these efforts but a piece of justice came for him in one of the best goals of the season.

The first half carried on as it did. Tight, well played but without much of note. We were a few times saved by the fists of Hedge, who had to almost juggle the ball mid-air from a cross, punched it out a few times and managed to smother a shot that the Seagulls thought had been spilled (kickety-kick). Colwyn soon went on to show their Clown College side with a bit of acrobatics, which the referee did everything to encourage, rewarding kicks to them every time they performed a roly-poly.

It was when the second half came in that this really did grow painful. Before our substitutions (our four out-field players on the bench were strikers, which was worrying), we played at domination. So many balls swept past the goal line and into the other wing, with the Colwyn keeper catching each ball like a kitten after several hits of catnip. He became the official man of the match. Deano's legs were rightly proclaimed dud, and Marshall replaced him. Garner was surprisingly replaced by Taylor, despite having a good game. Our attacks outnumbered Colwyn's by about three-to-one . . . yet . . . two of their goalmouth scrambles went in. The first was a surprise that couldn't dent our hopes too much. The defending for the second was abject, and after about forty-six attempts at our goal from four yards, it went in. All of a sudden, there were 350 Colwyn fans in the ground, and they were cheering. Strangely they mostly had weak Scouse and Lancashire accents, while the children spoke like they were performing in period dramas. I remember barely being able to spot one in August '09, when we showed the team that went up with us how much of a threat we were with a 3–0 rout at Llanelian Road. Their inability to support a team for the majority of the time was highlighted with their second chant, "Can we play you every week?" which was a call for sadomasochism as the best team had lost. Or maybe they meant "Can we play with ewes every week?" Gerrit?

A stale taste of Prescot air came after the game's third and final goal. Their players would deliberately head away new balls that were thrown in after they skied our attacking balls out of play. The humiliation came when they refused to hand us a ball for one corner, and Tom Baker had to jump the fences to retrieve one from the field behind the East Stand. That gesture has highlighted to me the lack of professionalism that often crops up in this league, and a sad sense that our efforts are being manipulated. Three added minutes were given, of which one more was played, and the sun set on a desperate day where we lacked it clinically, slid on the pitch surface too often and failed to establish our positions. Seeing Vardy act as an auxiliary forward didn't best chuff me, as he had the most potential for scoring.

Luckily we can nip the entire problem behind today's loss in the bud by looking at how the defense deals with balls in the area. With a little more luck this is our "blip" team and we can lick the likes of Worksop and wonder why they're in the position they are. Another of the toughest draws comes this Saturday, away to Sludgeheap Victoria. I'll be hungry for more efficiency, Bower's defensive guidance, and better vantage points than at Llanelian Road.

Colwyn Bay 2 – 1 Halifax Town; att. 844

Ground: 5/10

Pitch: 5/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: 5/10

Non-partisan entertainment: 6/10