Halifax Town 8 (eight) – 1 Ossett Town; 18/01/11.

Halifax Town 8 (eight) – 1 Ossett Town; 18/01/11.

How are you meant to feel when your team wins say, 8–1? It sounds an absurd question and surely there'd only be one answer. And you'd be right in most cases, but there are some teams that are likable but pitiful, so you just want to laugh at them instead because someone once told you that the only thing worse than derision is pity.

 

In this regard, maybe Ossett Town aren't that bad. They're on nineteen points which puts them at a pretty firm second-bottom, something far from those Retfordian depths of eight points (and counting). It's all in their performance though. They're a footballing side, and a side whose morale seems to betray their league position a little, but the quality of football is akin to eleven dead cows slowly drifting down the Ganges.

We were equally mediocre for the first half-hour. Maybe that makes the seven goals that followed Ossett's equaliser a better achievement, having been put away within an hour. Probably not though as against a sharper team we would've conceded. Hedge did have to force a close-range save, and soon after Tom Baker cleared one off the line. A fairly frustrated "Come on Shaymen!" came following an Ossett corner. Thankfully following one of our shots going just wide, Phelan hit one that 'keeper Neil Bennet parried, and Deano just had to finish it. To amusement, mild annoyance and little fear Ossett quickly equalised with Boardman's head coming straight from a corner. Ears pricked up, but not a cheer could be heard. Another nil-away-fans affair. Boardman et al were pleased and the goalscorer himself even seemed to goad the South Stand to no response, but I didn't even hear them cheer.

Seven more goals:
35. Back turned to the goal, Deano twizzles and lifts a ball into the net's mid-left.
42. Vardy intercepts the ball, squares it at very close range and Gregory thwacks it in.
45. An unmarked Vardy gets in the box and nutmegs Bennett.
*~interlude: half-time kids' penalty shootout~*
51. Vardy punts it from the wing, a defender collides with Dean, making the ball fly in. Bennett, inside the net itself at this moment, punches it out, Phelan hits it back, Bennett punches it back again, and after arguably crossing the line twice, Phelan earns the credit.
(Hardy throughs it to Phelan, Phelan blasts it in after the move is ruled slightly offside.)
65. Ossett's defense doesn't get rid of a ball on the end of the box. Gregory cherry picks it right from them, dummies the keeper, and takes the piss as he waltzes it into the net past a pleading Ossett defender. He then demonstrates his little dance to his teammates.
77. Vardy over to Marshall on the other side of the box, defense running parallel but never attempting to take possession. Marshall dispatches it.
79. That boy Jamie Vardy is FAST. Goes in from the corner of the box. The Ossett players redefine despair to 1284 delighted punters.

And that's why this doesn't feel quite that fulfilling! There's nothing quite so sad as seeing despair in Yorkshiremen's eyes. We play teasing football for the final ten and shake hands with our needy, desperate West Riding compatriots. Paul Sykes is their assistant manager, who came on as a sub for us last season only to walk within two minutes after mindlessly headbutting a player. That's their inspiration. 100 or so go to their matches and I'm not sure if any turned up to this one. Their website hasn't been updated since they announced the postponement of the Boxing Day clash. At least they have good beer.

Before I go to bed, I ask my brother something. He's played for local teams since the age of eight or so. In these local leagues there's always one or two teams at the bottom who see scorelines like this week in, week out. I ask my brother how they manage, and apparently they keep turning up because they love a kick-about with their pals.

Let's hope the same applies to Ossett Town.

Halifax Town 8 – 1 Ossett Town; att. 1284
Entertainment: 8/10

FC Halifax Town 3 – 0 Harrogate Railway Athletic; 13th February 2010.

FC Halifax Town 3 – 0 Harrogate Railway Athletic; 13th February 2010.

To hell with the missus, spend a Saturday afternoon freezing to death at the Shay with 1200 or so other enlightened characters and watch tearfully one-sided football until the final, shrill whistle. And if you find that a little too much, take her with you. Just remember to go to the toilet beforehand, because there isn't any soap in the grounds' bogs and apparently merely wetting your hands only feeds germs.

Tonight's a night of celebration, for this is the first match report I've done for Town which doesn't involve them drawing! It isn't a curse! But against a team who have failed to win away in the league this season, it shouldn't be such a surprise. Despite that, Harrogate RA are a team that play more football than average, and a unit I hope we didn't humiliate too much.

The match heralded possibly a first at the Shay, as I took along a friend who is possibly the first Chinese woman ever to pass through the turnstiles. And . . . *drum roll* . . . we've just made another Shay(wo)man! Town put their all into today's game and she wasn't disappointed at all, despite being new to the game to my knowledge. It's also good to finally have a case of Halifax stealing fans from Huddersfield for once, rather than the other way round.



Kicking off, as always it was pretty even for the first five minutes. We warmed up and started spending most of the time in their half again.

Now, one of the cardinal sins of a striker or anyone getting forward to the box is allowing the ball to fly across the box and for none of them to receive it as it does. Dead balls going from post-to-post in line with the net is desperately sad. If an opponent grabs it there, then tough titty. Otherwise, it's an open goal opportunity. Anyway, it happens, and opportunities like that saw the Shaymen getting closer and closer to the net. For the rotund goalkeeper's waddling and lack of dedication however, he pulled off decent saves throughout the game and eventually Marshall had a gloved header trickle in as the goalkeeper scuffled it. Goalazzio!

More putting-in-placeness came approaching half time, as corners didn't quite find clinical headers, and throughout the game two or three goals were disallowed, though with fair sense. Commotion was raised as Scooby (I think) fell in the box, but by half time it was 1–0, a satisfactory, but not quite comfortable.

Harrogate didn't really threaten in their few attacks, but of them there were two goalmouth scrambles where Hedge eventually gathered the ball. He had a fantastic match to man up to some of the balls which got so near to the net (even though the venom in Harrogate's attack was about as poisonous as a nice hot bubble bath), and the first clean sheet in a few games.

The second half saw an even better display of football. The only performance I can truly criticise was the meekness of Winter's efforts, and Nicky Gray, though his confidence increased as the game went on. The second goal seemed without question as Gray broke through and with a clear-cut effort, slotted it past the keeper who, due to his mass, was unable to get to the ground in time.

Play petered out a little again as it did after the first goal, and Peers came on. Within a few minutes, he fired a low shot at the keeper in a similar scenario, which was hit to fly straight out of the nets immediately by the desperate slide of a Harrogate defender. The referee quickly decided the effort went in. 3–0! The cheers weren't as great due to the moment of suspension, and the controversy about whether it went in definitely was there, as there were but microseconds in the time it actually passed the goal line and was kicked out if at all. But, Town fans! Here's your proof:



The second half was comfy and without too many mistakes anyway, and many may say the score didn't quite live up to the performance, but there's nothing to complain about. Practically the best thirteen players at this current time saw through the game at least in parts, functioned exceptionally well and were a treat to watch. A comfortable game once we picked up at the second half, and another seller for FCHT. The whistle blew after a worry-free half, and Town fans quickly filed out of the stadium before their extremities froze off.

We'll have to take the chances bequeathed to us on Monday's Curzon game at the Tameside if they have the skills their position suggests, but by today's result, there is nothing to fear. It'll be a heated cracker of a game regardless of the final score, and if you're not usually the one who'd enjoy getting pneumonia for your local team then I pray you take that evening's game as an exception. Hoping for a crowd in excess of 700 there, and if you'll be one of them then I'll happily see you there.