Guiseley 3 – 4 Halifax Town; 20/09/11.

Guiseley 3 – 4 Halifax Town; 20/09/11.

There's no better person to quote than myself, because otherwise who would quote me? "When we start playing well for once, it's going to feel mint."

I approached Nethermoor Park as you'd walk past a sleeping Rottweilier that only eats Town fans. A local kid slipped in with us, since his ticket would cost £1 in the company of an adult. After we got through the turnstile he joined a group, one of which shouted at us "You're gonna get battered tonight!" I made a bee-line to the bar and necked a tidy half pint of a Hebden Bridge bitter in time for the players to gather on a clean, slightly warped pitch.

What I heard next shocked me: Neil Aspin's father had passed away from cancer today. The teams lined up and bowed their heads for a minute's silence and the main stand spectators rose, and although by this point I wondered if there was a rational reason for us to stay, Aspin himself was still there by the dugout, showing the astounding resilience we would soon see from the players.

A minute in, Toulson gave it away and an attempt for the right-hand-side of the goal from Guiseley's Peter Davidson trickled through the hands of Eastwood, leaving us 1–0 down. A voice in my head said "9–0 FT."

Seven minutes in and the danger in Guiseley's eyes let's us have it again, with Gavin Rothery finding some space from a header to hit it high up and in. Two goals down and I still hadn't even found a good vantage point from which to shout.

I found my father at the other corner on the ground, who declared we'd lost already and we may as well do what we can until the final whistle. But 20 minutes had elapsed and we hadn't conceded a goal in a while, so was some momentum being picked up? Yes, we had a good amount of possession but were we to let Guiseley on the attack again it'd be safe to assume they'd score, knowing our red carpet of a defense. Your inner dreads as a fan though can be hidden deeper inside you if you encourage your team vocally: "Do it for Neil Aspin!" had to be the words to go by.

Soon, the Shaymen's heads raised up like Pez dispensers. Terry Dixon was to take a free kick from 20 yards instead of the usual from cap'n Tom Baker, and the wall-beating shot was converted from the rebound by Lee Gregory. We had begun playing with some fluency again and sent an early warning to Guiseley that their perfect home streak wasn't so safe. However, the Lions couldn't help but respond towards the end of the first half, and not too long after a looping header got palmed away by Eastwood, he couldn't stop a close-range diving header that Rothery nailed, while I snuck off to see a man about a dog, trying not to think of anything at all.

No, I'm not a professional sports photographer. Well spotted.

More match visuals taken hurriedly because I accidentally deleted all of the older stuff including two goals and me patting Danny Lowe's back in my fervour.

After their second and third, the Guiseley massive felt eager enough to vaguely chant their name a couple of times, and the next peek I heard of the home team's supporters was being told that we were the strongest side to come to Nethermoor so far this season. We were just worried that Town's courage had crumbled again and that another write-off was ahead. And bloody hell, were we given an unexpected treat!


As we kicked off I heard a "Going down, going down, going down!" chant directed at us from the other side of the ground. Must be this non-league grace and spirit we're always told about that teams like bankrolled Guiseley clearly have in abundance. Defiantly, the Shaymen of the second half were world beaters (ie. Conference North beaters). Our game flowed, our players communicated, and Guiseley's nappies got fully twisted over it. It was simply better than anything from the last five games. When Holland squared the ball to Terry Dixon, whose touch went in off defender Danny Ellis, a 3–2 scoreline felt pretty OK in and of itself. Four minutes later, Baker's corner ball reached the bowing head of Terry Dixon, and the loanee himself had opened his account finally, and deservedly.

We could then do it all. Route one was a possible, as were the flanks. Our defenders picked up the stray Guiseley counters and the entire team had grown a foot in height. After ten further minutes it was Dixon again who fed in a route one ball to Gregory. Greggers, as per, took ages with the ball inside the six-yard box: was he erring, or was he dancing with the ball to deceive the frankly petrified Guiseley defense? Either way it worked, thank god, and the feeling of us getting that 4–3 win, a three-goal gain within 15 minutes still feels stunning.

So, a confounded Guiseley kicked off for the final time in the evening, and a particular brand of classiness courtesy of substitute O'Neill's elbow floored Liam Hogan, and the former was shown the red card after six farcical minutes on the pitch. The remainder of the match was still tense but seen out well, and the eighth goal of the game was on our radar more often than theirs. It's always tense, when the three points are in sight.

Neutrals at the match would've found it fantastic, and the Shaymen certainly did. This was the Shaymen we'd seen under Aspin in the previous two seasons, a group of lads who celebrate with each other when they score and always have the goal in their collective mind. If we piece more of these results together, minus the activity at the other end of the pitch, it'll be alright. For now, our current squad have showed easy game is something we ain't.

P.S. I got a programme; a rather uncommon thing for me now considering the dross I spent 17 seconds reading at Evo-Stik level. It's a good 'un! Admittedly tinpot in design (see below) but high in content and effort and ultimately worth the asking price. Props also to the first history I've read of ourselves which wasn't copied off a dormant, semi-literate page on the official website, despite it only documenting two of our 100 seasons of footie. Canny.

Guiseley 3 – 4 Halifax Town; att. 897
Entertainment: 9/10
Ground: 5/10
Pitch: 7/10

I'm a happy Town fan.

Stalybridge, Boston and Workington.

Stalybridge, Boston and Workington.

The odds have been against me posting anything Town this past month and a bit. Following the Mansfield game I set off from Calderdale to Land's End on my bike, before setting off to Seattle for two weeks (depressing), and now my internet's started functioning properly, here I am.

Watching Town in the Conference North is an improvement. Not that I've seen us put 100% in yet, but I know from these three games that even when it's dross, it's better than watching Worksop players in shelf-stacker shirts falling about like babbies in the midwinter night. The worry is, when will we attain the pace that we've found is necessary to challenge in the Conference North?

The first game is Stalybridge Celtic at home, and my lift is so late that I miss their first goal. It was a penalty conceded by Scott McManus again (Slapp MyMissus), and prolific Stalyvegas striker Phil Marsh put it away. Stalyvegas brought 120 or so over who made a bit of noise and initially, we competed quite well with that. But when James Dean squared it in, Lee Gregory beat the 'keeper to smack the ball in at the other side before too long. It's good to be back, and the Shaymen were putting in a good case for themselves against the table leaders, who had already won their first four games. It wasn't too long after however, that Slapp MyMissus this time failed to take down his opposition as Hogan gave away the ball, and as Eastwood failed to catch the ball, Stalyvegas' Jennings placed the ball in. MyMissus was then, thankfully, substituted.

In the second half, tedium set in. Oh, that second half really was a pain. Much possession from defense to attack, but as soon as we got within 25 yards of the net we became hopeless, without ideas and worried to commit to any ball into the box, let alone shot. On the other side, Stalyfuse hadn't bothered to put the game away for themselves as the tempo of the game slowed and slowed. So in the 91st minute what happened? Aaron 'Ardy was taken down in the box, Town were immediately rewarded a penalty, and what does Baker do? He tucks it in. 2–2 at full-time; Stalyfuse's perfect points tally is no more. The Shaymen are mid-table, but they can silence a full-time Stalyfuse outfit who really were getting rowdy.

A loss, a win and three draws preceded Bank Holiday Monday's game at Boston United. Not so good then, but just two points off where we were last year when we, of course, pissed that tinpot league. Arriving in the Fens I was surprised at how pleasant it looked compared to so much of the crap I'd seen the week before in America, despite as being as flat as a pancake. My lift was late and I missed the first 15 minutes. It appeared we'd already scored this time, but it was just the atmosphere! After the past three seasons you're not used to an away game where the two sides' fans are chanting, but today we were being told by the Boston ultras that we were "just a small town in Goiseley." We reiterated that they were "just a small town in Poland," and that was the best part of the first half.

Boston fans were as unsettled as us with their start to the season: fairly unsettled. Part of their team had left for a better life at Grimsby Town, who also now have Boston's manager and assistant manager. Where were Grimsby as a result? In the relegation zone, and with a viral YouTube sensation:

The Pilgrims' main forward right now is, apparently, a Lincolnshire League stalwart. Their attacks were admittedly blunt, but I could easily see the touchline terrace at York St. explode with joy as one of their attacks actually brought some joy. Luckily, even the close efforts were stopped by Simon Eastwood. Meanwhile, attacking towards a terrace of 320 Shaymen, we got closer still. We were alright, followed by good, followed by very unlucky not to get a goal. The closest chances in a tense wait for the one goal that would get us those three points were from Aaron Hardy, whose free header weaved itself above and then left of the goalposts, then Danny Lowe, who was through but couldn't find a trajectory Boston's 42-year-old 'keeper hadn't got covered.

This begged the question, why was it our defenders who got closest to the goal? Why not our strikers? Of course, Jamie Vardy, now one of the non-league's biggest names, is our squad's long-gone number 7. His pace beat the back line countless times and he was a stark joy to watch, a progressively greater pleasure before becoming a forbidden one, leaving for full-time pay at Fleetwood. But he wasn't the only one who brought us this far down the pitch last season, so our remaining strike force shouldn't be this lumpen. With ten minutes to go the goal seemed imminent, but it didn't end up coming and we were left to be philosophical over a 0–0 draw. One of those fairly entertaining 0–0 draws.

Three points had to come at home to Workington Town, and it did. My lift was late and I missed Wukky's first goal. But again we came back, and again it was Lee Gregory who found a close position to finish it. And like a repeat, Tom Baker scored a penalty. Then in the second half, a corner ball came to Tommy again from 20 yards out, which he blasted through the centre, avoiding all bodies in the box and clumsily going through the Wukky 'keeper. I'd divulge further but to make no bones about it, it was a dull match not worth describing in detail both because I already have with others, because these reports are starting to add up in word count as it is, and of course, I'm not being paid to do this. We won 3–1, we won it at a boring ol' canter, and it's encouraging we can still do that.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Scunthorpe United; 16/07/11.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Scunthorpe United; 16/07/11.

Revenge can often be strange and contrived. I walked into the afternoon's lectures with a big ol' sadface when I heard that at lunchtime, Alan Knill had suddenly left my "other" team, Bury, to help save Scunthorpe United from relegation. That weekend the Iron lost 6–0 at Norwich, and Alan Knill's new Barmy Army finished the season 24th on goal difference, dropping down to League 1. It'd be a bit of karma to beat the highest-ranked team in our friendly list this season with Knill still at their helm.

Several individual performances stood out from a watchable game. The first was that of injury-dogged Nicky Gray, who with his head up narrowed himself between two Iron defenders and hit the right post with his edge-of-the-box shot. Throughout the match, Vardy had the attention of an umpteenth full-time outfit, continuously dodging defenders and laying up precise crosses. Simon Eastwood's clean sheet was one he worked on keeping, and the Matt Smith lookalike had a nimble edge over the departed #1 Jonathan Hedge, coming up to collect a close Scunthorpe shot, which he saved again on the rebound twice to a relieved applause.

However, even the meekest Scunthorpe team, ie. the one we saw yesterday, could build up a few attempts, even if they were just by chance. Around the 75th minute, one of their numberless substitutes that came on in a Knill's mid-half line-up overhaul was adjudged to have trod on Greg Anderson's bootlaces before he calmly put the ball past Eastwood. Laughs turned to worry again towards the end, against the Vardy-led run-of-play as Scunthorpe found an opening but hit the post.

Scunthorpe substitute half the population of Scunthorpe.

Then came this:

Liam Hogan intercepted a pass and ran with it down the right. Looking like the flag of the Isle of Man, he took it in a straight line from 70 yards to 30 yards: there he gave it a bash and in it went off the bar. Possibly the best goal I've seen at the Shay, and it was from a centre-back during pre-season. Magic it was!

1–0 at 88 minutes, and the ref blew soon after. After a handshake with Neil Aspin shorter than most fist-bumps, Alan Knill plodded into the dressing rooms looking more like a distressed Woody Allen than a football manager.

Mossley 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 09/07/2011.

Mossley 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 09/07/2011.

I sympathise for Mossley80, but I need to clear that up. I don't mean that in a way of giving charidee to the more tinpot in our lives; it's he himself that makes out a life of following Mossley to be like fishing an endless clump of hair from the basin. Like me at times, it'll take him days after the event to muster the courage to write a match day report. Just a few days ago he surpassed himself by writing a report for the season's final game: over two months after the event itself. In his defense, it'd be impossible to describe the latter half of Mossley's 2010/11 season as anything but BLEAK, all facts in mind. What Mossley80 manages to do is paint in every shade of gray that was last season's Mossley experience with adroit skill that makes it read as both hilarious and tragic.

And though he didn't attend Saturday's match, Mossley80 missed what I'd say was a pre-season highlight. Pleasant weather, and a few points of interest on and off-field. Taking a place on the terraces was a friend of mine on tour from America, coming from Orange County to Mossley. What? He was impressed. Mistakes were made around the oh-so-confusing 2pm kick-off but little action was missed tbh, this being a friendly. 

The Lilywhites themselves have pride in their 100% record against the Shaymen at Seel Park. The only time we've been here as FC Halifax Town we lost an abject 3–1 on a cold night in Sept '08, newly-reformed and dressed in badgeless, plain-blue shirts and shorts. The Jim Vince team that never got on that night, and never would for the rest of the season. Today the sun shines, the Pennines are in full view, and Town are favourites for a third consecutive promotion into the Conference Premier. A contrasting "where are they now?" reunion. Though Seel Park looks fine in the sun, the greatest part of the ground has to be the Mossley squad's nude 2011 calendar on sale in the club shop. As tempting as it is, how many of the models have now left the club?

The furious face of concentration.

Mossley earns the award of being the first ever ground I've been to that offers a full vegetarian experience. Cheese & onion pies can be had, along with chunky chips and mushy peas that my O.C. pal mistook for guacamole. That's a substantial meal! (Shut up, it is.) A tasty one, too. Within the time it took to be eaten, goal number one came courtesy of none other than Jamie Vardy, clear with a short finish going downhill towards Mossley's oldie-but-goodie "Kop" end. After that, conveniently within the time it takes to lump a load of peas on your plastic fork, Mossley had a long-range free kick despatched by Joe Heap, an 18-year-old striker who proved prolific in Mossley's youth set-up. Within those two minutes, any scouts still voyeuristically peering at Vardy would've been completely distracted by the youngster's effort, a top corner effort that could suppress any pre-season yawn. 

We were impressed but weren't going to be happy to move into half-time level. A foul from Mossley's #2 made the player forget about any notion of "friendly" after which a skirmish ensued, Town fans getting a little fed-up with the referee who was seemingly showing his eighth-tier credentials. After a third foul went unpunished outside the area, the Mossley defense kicked out the ball only for it to reach an ambitious Danny Lowe, who drove it in from 30 yards. Whey.

 In-keeping with American football, half-time entertainment was observed. Willing to make the most of Mossley's 100th anniversary of playing at Seel Park, a dressed-up club representative took to the pitch to sing Nessun Dorma. Oh dear you may say, did he mime to a karaoke track? Was it tone-deaf screeching? Did the Tannoy decide to act up? None of the above—the man did a fine service to the song that none of the 300-strong crowd were ever going to appreciate. Trust me, it wasn't bad!

I'm not reliable enough to catch any match action, but at least I got a snap that demonstrates the pitch slope we sussed out.

The second-half finished 'em off without either team giving up the ghost. 3–1, 4–1, then 5–1, where a Lee Gregory header hit the bar and took advantage of the Mossley contours, bouncing home from a bump in the hallowed turf. We were set to make it six or more as the floodgates opened, but were happy to see an enthusiastic display from all involved bar a few dispirited gents in the Lilywhites' defence. Two leagues below us, Mossley may be the lowest-ranked team we'll play this year and there's nowt to be alarmed about so far.

Oh god, and one of those golden fan comments came visitin'. A few Shayman fans were getting wound up by the youthful, emaciated linesman ("linesboy") skipping down the touchline . . .

Fan: Teagan! Tell that linesman to do his job properly!

Fan's two kids, in unison: LINESMAN! DO YOUR JOB PROPERLYYY!

Indoctrination at its best.

The full-time whistle blowed and we were treated to a particularly maudlin ditty, Handbags and the Glad Rags by the Stereophonics, a worldwide ode to the discarded polystyrene teacup and chipped paint falling from old stands. Perhaps Mossley80 was here in spirit.

Mossley 1 – 5 Halifax Town

Entertainment: 7/10

Cack-Handed Away Guide IX: GUISELEY AFC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide IX: GUISELEY AFC.

Nethermoor Park
Otley Road
Leeds
LS20 8BT

Nickname

The Lions

But we call them

Disguiseley, Harry Ramsden AFC

Billy basics

Managers: Steve Kittrick, Chris Holland

Founded: 1909

2010/11: 5th, Conf North

2009/10: 1st, Northern Premier League

2008/09: 4th, Northern Premier League

Highest position: 2010/11: 5th, Conf North

Average attendance 2010/11: 472

Who are Harry Ramsden AFC?

Harry Ramsden AFC didn't just form for the halibut. Oh no, they were really salmon else, an amateur team formed by local "enthusiasts" and full of that non-league sole. Skate-ing from the Wharfedale League to the Leeds League right over to the West Riding County League in the first few decades of the 20th century. They kept a brill-iant record in the various West Riding leagues, winning championships and the local Wharfedale Cup nine times out of ten in the '60s. The whiting was on the wall for the West Yorkshire league when they caught a whiff of the Yorkshire League, finding a plaice in its top tier in the late '70s, hooking up the West Riding Challenge Cup thrice in a row.

In 1982 they scampi-d off to the newly-formed NECL Premier League, taking a couple of pikes at the promotion spot before getting there fo' real in 1991. They reached the FA Vase final in '90, '91 and '92, and were squids in when they won it on their promotion season. Success abounded and the Guiseley faithful were clam-ing for more. It came when they won promotion to the top tier of the Northern Premier League in 1994. Haddock they reached the end of their boundless success? Oh my cod, of course not! In their first NPL season, dab-handed Guiseley earned an FA Cup 1st Round tie against Carlisle United at Valley Parade in front of 6,548 fans, but were battered.

Guiseley then flounder-ed in 2000 when they were relegated back to the NPL Division 1 North, but fans couldn't be too trout-faced when league restructuring saw them in the Premier again in 2004. The Conference North promotion bid had begun, but something started to smell fishy. The fish smell turned out to be one of burning: their main stand was subject to an arson attack in 2008 that would've cost something to the tuna £20,000 to mend. The ruined stand clearly needed a good sturgeon. It didn't take long for Guiseley to confront the problem and mullet over; a replacement 300-seater stand was built in 2009.

Guiseley got their latest bite of success in 2010 as they perch-ed at the top of the Northern Premier League on the final day of the season, and became a minnow in the Conference North. This lowly status was a red herring: they earnt a 5th place in 2010/11, bowing out of the play-offs in the final at AFC Telford United's plaice (you've already done that one - Ed.). Guiseley continue their search for an umpteenth promotion in the 2011/12 season, and are currently preparing their home-bass for Conference National standard football. Tinpot? Guiseley frankly don't give a pollock. They're officially the second most threatening Conference North team in West Yorkshire.

The ground

Sources 1 2

Enough with the fish puns (the only reason being I've run out of them). The idea of Guiseley's ground being in the Conference National in its old form would blow claims of Throstle Nest being a garden shed straight out of the water. The new main stand is a smallie of course, and a temporary stand beside it has been added, as well as a few steps behind the adjacent Railway End. With this in mind it's all-systems-go at Nethermoor Park for competing in a national league for the first time in their increasingly-successful history.

The town

You guessed it—Guiseley is home to Britain's best-loved and largest fish and chips restaurant: big ol' Harry Ramsden's. Where else would you go? Guiseley itself is a Leeds 'burb in all honesty, the ground located on the Otley Road that goes straight up from the University. That's more or less it. The ground is just up from the station with frequent trains from Leeds, as well as buses.

Will we need to segregate?

With just 200 or so stuck in a corner of the New Bucks Head on their big play-off final day, it seems as if our nearest Conference neighbours won't be prepared to pack out San Shayro.

OFFICIAL SITE

TRY FORGING A MINOR LOCAL RIVALRY HERE

Be part of history, leave a comment.

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

One of the less flattering stats I can uncover for the Shaymen is that previous to our title-winning match at Retford this Saturday, we hadn't kept a clean sheet on aggregate against any team we'd played twice or more this season. For example, we beat Burscough 2–0 away and 3–2 at home, Ashton lost 3–0 at home to us and 1–0 away to us, but scored against us in the FA Cup, etc. Retford's statistics for this game said it all though. Shots off target: 0. Shots on target: 0. Corners: 0. So for a team who made a few attacks in the game, how did they not get any shooting practice? Throw-ins, dear reader. Retford is the European capital of the long throw-in, and the Badgers even hit the post with one this weekend.

Prior to the great badger cull, we'd drawn to Matlock to deny us the title last weekend. On Wednesday, Buxton could no longer catch us up when ex-Shaymen Andy Campbell scored the only goal for Whitby to beat them at the Turnbull Ground. This meant Colwyn could only overtake us . . . if they overcame a goal difference of 54 on us. With Retford propping up the table for the entirety of the season and Colwyn at Buxton, we were DEFINITELY DEFINITELY going to win.

That we did. It took us a little while to work out the pitch at Cannon Park, which had gone from swamp-like when we played there against Worksop in February to like a chicken's mudbath, and then we proceeded to play friendly-style football against a team filled with self-hatred. This self-hatred peaked at around 20 minutes when their #2 and #7 started fighting. Believe in your team, Retford. Cannon Park is still shockingly small and it was almost pointless to sing on hard standing. The park ground I went to today could've held more fans due to its grassy banks, and save the odd dandelion, the pitch was in a similar condition.

Our goal came when we broke on the 23rd minute, Vardy laying it to Lee Gregory who dodged it in an offside position, leaving Holland to come from nowhere. Clean through, he let the ball tumble in from the edge of the box. Two Town fans got on the pitch. Soon after Vardy almost did the same, but took it too far. A few minutes later the Town fans nearly got as noisy again: the lino made a poor decision to award them a goal kick, and when he ran off down the touchline, the flag fell off its stick. He retreated in embarrassment. A few Shaymen stole my "You should've got some Evo-Stik!" line. Liam Hogan made a textbook header from a Garner corner at the close of the half to satisfactorily put us 2–0 up.

The second half was low on entertainment, I'm afraid, but Baker and Holland were very watchable as individuals. I'd be a little worried by this scoreline normally, but the Town were going up. At the final whistle we invaded the pitch. Having done such a rigorous circuit on Friday evening instead of leaping over the barrier I collapsed over it, my sunglasses falling off pitifully, which the Shaymen Player just about missed out on filming, thank god. The Retford players wished us the best and for the next ten minutes we celebrated with our now-topless players in an open rural ground in north Nottinghamshire. The fans jumped up and down singing under a huge FC Halifax Town flag with our all-time top-scorer James Dean. If there's something football's lacking as you go up the leagues . . .

Today is Sunday 10th April. Temperatures have been above 20ºC for the best part of the day. We have five league games left, but today our pre-season began. We'll be looking at how to play in the Conference North, who to pick and who to say goodbye to. We've begun a long promotion party and I hope that you can attend.

 

 

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 829

Match: 5/10
Atmosphere: 8/10
Food: 5/10
Drink: N/A, no ale
Bar: dark and showing the Grand National, yawn
People: didn't see any!
Programme: 6/10
Town: N/A
Ground: 1/10
Talent: 5/10
Overall day: 9/10

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.

If we'd won this one and Buxton dropped points, we'd have won the title once and for all. HALIFAAAXXX TOOOWWWNNN.

Which is precisely what didn't happen, despite going up in the second minute as a Vardy cross turned into a Holland header which turned into a Gregory tap-in as the three Matlock players running to the line were left helpless. An easy start as any, but during a threatening attack from the Gladiators 'Ardy blocked a shot off the line, before missing the ball and felling the soon-to-be Torquay full-timer Ross Hannah. The penalty was taken by the leader of Matlock's one-man-band himself, and the intimidating noise from the South Stand wasn't enough to deter him. After 14 minutes, it stood 1–1. For a while, the atmosphere which made Saturday's crowd appear larger than the official figure was brought down enough for, say, 30 or so travelling Matlock fans to become audible. I remember a similar amount coming from Farnborough midweek several years ago and finding it very funny, but now I react to it with a "Hey wow, haven't they got a great bunch of fans."

 

We remained relatively entertaining for a first half however, and were rewarded for shining with confidence as Vardy squared the ball in for Gregory to tap it in again. We were once again content to turn up on time for the promotion party under a cool spring sun, with Ossett-Buxton scoreless. As those scores stood we were mathematically going up, but sadly one goal went the wrong way in either game.

The Gladiators returned in the second half with two substitutions. Ross Hannah off, and their number nine off, though of course no-one knew his name as he wasn't Ross Hannah. This should've meant a more defensive second half for them surely, but on the 50th minute we gave CM Scott Phelan the first run since his injury, and for a quarter of an hour Town domination became the fashion. This is when we should've scored to make it 3–1, to make Matlock fall apart. As for Gladiators, they were far more interested in falling about the place than putting up a fight. Well, when they were drawing anyway. The chance that really should've put the game away was man of the match Garner's long-ranger which the 'keeper dropped like a flying cactus, and Lee Gregory couldn't reply to make it a hat-trick. A similar free kick to Garner's shot got easily saved, while a Matlock free kick at the other end went under the wall, bounced off the bottom post and Hedge displayed feline reflexes to box its rebound out of the way. Matlock's chance of the match was followed by a lovely bit of slapstick where Lee Gregory booted a ball for the net, and instead it met their #3's face, which floored the poor bastard.

And then, the 88th minute. Some Matlock player threw himself to the ground as Tommy Ten Men Baker leapt for the ball and for the millionth time in his career, wee Tom was punished for being the one to stay on two feet following the challenge. Matlock had a second penalty, and made it a 100% conversion rate. I imagine Matlock fans would always have a bit of dissatisfaction for the way they took a point back to the Peak District there, as I would've. With four minutes added time we lacked the tempo to create anything from that point, and as still-proud Shaymen left the ground, Aspin stormed onto the pitch to tell the ref' his interpretation of events. Oh well, we wanted to win the title at Retford's cow field anyway.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; att. 2132.

Entertainment: 7/10

Kendal Town 2 – 4 Halifax Town; 26/03/11.

Kendal Town 2 – 4 Halifax Town; 26/03/11.

So, another one of those away trips for the whole family. But unlike Whitby, which was called off, and Buxton, which we roundly lost, let's do this one right.

Setting off at half 11 got us there for 1pm, before stopping off at the Ring O' Bells Free House near the ground, a no-nonsense pub with a true soul. Conveniently, this was also next to a record fair with all its Associates records going for £2 each, so I left with four of them. I'd made some profit from this away day already. Contrasting sounds rang from outside however, as a few groups of merry Shaymen sung on their way to The Lakeland Radio "Stadium." Arriving there just before kick-off I came through some turnstiles that overlooked the whole complex. The ground is dripping with character. A graveyard overlooks the ground, with housing on the other side. All four stands are painted black-and-white, two of which occupy the touchline straight ahead of me and could contain 200 or so each. The stand behind the goal to my immediate left is set out with steps like a coliseum's; one side of it has a few rows of seats sheltered with the smallest of roofs a few metres above. This roof operates as an awning for the clubhouse overlooking the stand and ground, so mentally weaker "fans" could stay inside and half-watch the England game. On the opposite touchline is a very small black-and-white terraced stand,  succeeded by some long grass banking which on a day like this accommodated a few hundred mingling supporters of the two Towns. Behind the goal at the very end the Lakeland Radio "Stadium" runs out of character. 'Sall hard standing. A complex set-up, but the main plus however is the at-one-with-nature style toilets you get!

 As I descend the steps and take my place, the 891-strong crowd stops to perfectly observe a minute's silence in memory of our assistant manager Trevor Storton, the man who made his name one of legends at Chester City, Park Avenue and finally Halifax Town in the short remainder of his life. Our players had printed out a set of shirts in his memory and hat-trick hero Vardy had his match ball signed by the team and sent to his family. The whistle then went, and a drunken dozen of Town fans on the coliseum steps attempted to chant when they'd lost all sense of rhythm. They were armed with one of the golden cats you find at Chinese takeaways, and a kazoo through which Maff made a phenomenal impression of the atrocious state of the Tannoy system at the Shay: "Today's official attendance ladies and gentlemen—mththmthththtmhtmtmthnm!"

The positivity around the ground got to Danny Lowe, who went further than his position required to slam one in out of the grasp of the Kendal 'keeper. All Shaymen's eyes were smiling, and we sung "There's only one Trevor Storton." Goals were definitely going to come at this match when both teams were fully focused, the pitch's width allowing for wing action, and its surface good enough to play balls on the deck although we were winning headers from the first minute. Danny Holland carried a presence during this half, but he remained absent from the scoresheet. Rough 'n tumbles in our own area earned Kendal a penalty which went off the post and in. Kendal's firepower continued as much as ours, with a powerful shot of theirs just about missing the middle left of Hedge's net. At half-time the Towns were drawing and England were 2–0 up. Lampard and Bent had surpassed themselves by scoring the most boring goals possible for a bunch of world-class millionaires.

After a half-time of watching said "highlights," and watching a few Shaymen gather around Deano in the clubhouse shouting "DEANO, DEANO, DEANO" followed by "YORKSHIRE, YORKSHIRE, YORKSHIRE" and "WE HATE BURNLEY AND WE HATE BURNLEY" (sadly Deano's team of choice), the Shaymen were back on the pitch. The half started a little worryingly as ball control just wasn't happening against an eager Kendal side, but Lee Gregory's move to the right wing gave him an opportunity to cross it into the area in the 54th minute, which met Vardy's own pace faster than the goalie's and the thing went bang in off his head. What followed were a series of Town attacks, including a one-on-one with Lee Gregory, which the Kendal keeper did well to take from his feet. The next goal came at the other side however, a suspected handball and a lack of tackling enough for Kendal substitute Carl Osman to move into space and shoot the goal of the game from the corner of the box to the opposite corner of the net. He'd made it 2–2 after 79 minutes, and the Shaymen would have to dig up a little character again to come back.

Kendal's plans were thwarted within the next couple of minutes by Danny Holland's pass that weaved between the defenders, leaving Vardy to net the top corner before the 'keeper could get to him. Soon after Vardy delivered a firm "never again" to Kendal, their number two clearing the ball the wrong way which went straight to Vardy's feet, his left-footed first-touch going straight through Kendal's beleaguered goalie and into the back of the net. With greedier Town fans pressing the Shaymen for a fifth the ref announced ceasefire and the young steward in charge of the scoreboard wiped some sweat from his brow.

It is now possible for the Shaymen to have the title by Saturday. Get down to the Shay for then and make some noise.

Kendal Town 2 – 4 Halifax Town; att. 891

Ground: 9/10 (probably falls to 6/10 in the rain)

Pitch: 7/10
Programme: 7/10
Talent: N/A
Entertainment: 8/10
Food: N/A

Halifax Town 3 – 2 Chasetown; 22/03/11.

Halifax Town 3 – 2 Chasetown; 22/03/11.

Some games really do remind me why I'm here in the first place. Some games only do this in the final minute of normal time. And some of these games look like nothing worth remembering would ever come from them until they're on the verge of waving all the effort, time and money you've dissipated over the years towards football games in front of you while laughing and pointing.

 Baker having a shot. He had a good game as per, but this one got immediately blocked.

There was nothing to report on in the first half of this game. As for shots there may have been one, maybe two, maybe a bit more than that, but nothing close to testing on either side. Just a void of non-football you'd more likely expect if you spent 15 hours of minimum wage money on 90 minutes at Stamford Bridge or Wastelands. The most interesting thing of the half was a mad old man shouting incomprehensibly from the top of the South Stand, and you see those types around Halifax all the time anyway.

Then, after a similar 45th–70th minute stretch, Ben Jevons made it by striking past his men and past Hedgey into the net. Chasetown were winning. Sadly, our play wasn't looking too good before or after this goal, or at least not so much until Vardy turned at speed during a goalmouth scramble to put the ball away. This was in the 84th minute, and it was this minute that the adrenaline started flowing through every last tissue in every Shayman's body. We brought up the choking clutch and sped off. We became a full attacking force, and shortly afterwards a Liam Hogan 35-yarder shot just over like a practising army pilot would skim a green hill at supersonic speed. And Vardy got his second: the classic 'keeper-off-his-line cross. The sound was unbelievable, and they echoed across the Shay right up until the rotund Gary Birch did precisely what Vardy had just done at the other end. It was the Chase faithful's turn to go crackers.

Lift your Shaymen fists like antennas to heaven.

And then. Following a few attempts to move forward by the Scholars, we managed to boot it up field. The ball inevitably got to Jamie Vardy amongst the hordes lining the outside of the Chasetown box. Vardy left three of their defenders standing in his effortless way and blasted it into the top fucking corner. 93 minutes in. A nine minute hat-trick. AFTER being chosen the man of the match. Nine minutes to change a match report I dreaded writing up into one that exhilarates me to write up.

That night, Doncaster Rovers offered £10k for the man who made the difference from this scoreline being 0–2 to it being 3–2. You can guess how we responded.

Halifax Town 3 – 2 Chasetown; att. 1353.

Entertainment: 0/10 for first 70, 10/10 for final 10.

R.I.P. Trevor Storton.

R.I.P. Trevor Storton.

Thanks for taking us to two titles. The first hero of F.C. Halifax Town. Rest in Peace. See you at the Shay.

Buxton 2 – 1 Halifax Town; 12/03/11.

Buxton 2 – 1 Halifax Town; 12/03/11.

 

Arcadia.

I was going to write a report on this match but felt like extracting the pus from this ingrown toenail of mine instead. Anyway, that's now out of the way, and I have literally no choice but to scribble down this weekend's away day.

Champions versus play-off contenders. No suggestions of a six-pointer however, but one of the tougher matches. And, as the scoreline would suggest, they gave it their all, and we gave it a third at best. Maybe a quarter or a fifth even.

 

 The Bucks do the hokey-cokey.

A goal in the first half would've been good. And of course, the first half is the time that we usually like to spend scoring less goals then the second half, if that makes any sense. The pitch had retained its grass, but could've possibly operated as a motocross dirt-jumping track if it hadn't. The ball would bounce randomly, halfway between a flyaway ball and a rugby ball, and it was a form of football Buxton were better versed in. Débutant Lee Ellington showed presence in the box but even when we got close we seemed not to shoot. Gone was the go-getting Town we see most of the time, in a time of need.

 

Top ground, shame about the result.

We got a penalty that Baker obviously dispatched even though he appeared nervous, and then a newbie of theirs who I'm told was taken from the local leagues smashed two short-rangers in with quick succession. And that was it. Yes, they were better. They were up for it and little came in their way as they turned around to beat us. I'm erasing the particulars from my mind, apart from the ones worth remembering. These were Buxton's ground, one of the best, overlooking hills and of a nice Conference North standard. The main stand is ample, along with the small stand running right down the opposite touchline, and the terracing at one side also has a decent view. The plastic fork given for my pasty was posh and thick (like David Cameron hurr hurr) which would penetrate any tough crust. The pitch is worth forgetting about as despite being very well-cut it needs a little flattening. As was the Tory advertisement on the hoardings (yuck).

A note on tinpot gallantry though. I only managed to articulate this while having a burger and chips at a takeaway on Monday. Inside the Buxton clubhouse was champagne on Saturday, and the chairman/manager/whatever leapt onto the pitch at full-time to gyrate and stoke the anger of our fans. I wouldn't mind it if, while were at this level, teams could have more grace. Chasetown had grace. Raccy Borough had grace. Some teams just really Cup-Final out. Maybe it feels like that, but often they gloat like all hell. While we are at this level, I'd like it for Halifax Town to be seen as of this level. Otherwise it ingrains a feeling that we're playing tons of FA Cup 1st Rounds/4th Qualifying Rounds against lower league teams on good cup runs, and it makes following Town at this level feel like an annoying weight to drag along. It dresses us up before mocking us for it. I'm not sure if I'm articulating this as well as I did the other night! I could possibly be an odd-fan-out for thinking this way, but I'd just prefer to get along, enjoy the character of many of these places, and while we're in these leagues I want something chummier than the fans vs. opposition fans element we sometimes get, which should be kept inside ultra-moneyed League football before eventually suffocating. Not sure if anyone is following me at this point or even reading this, but it's an encumbrance. There are many reasons for me to believe that if I spend the rest of my life following the Shaymen, that I'd look back to these as the halcyon seasons.

Buxton 2 – 1 Halifax Town; att. 803

Ground: 8/10

Pitch: 5/10
Programme: haven't read yet!
Talent: 4/10
Food: 6/10 (too little of it)
Independent match report - European Football Weekends