Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 13/04/11.

Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; 13/04/11.

My first shout out in a programme. Bright pastures ahead.

After a washout which stranded several hundred Shaymen in Whitby this February, it would've been more ideal if we could try again last Saturday, rather than midweek. Were we to have won the title here on a Saturday the turnout and resultant atmosphere would have been fantastic, but instead 250 Shaymen made a Wednesday night trip in search of three points we didn't even need. On the other hand, Whitby really needed this. Three points wouldn't've given them mathematical safety, but realistically that's all they need to stay up this season.

In my sad, cold life, bereft of all pleasures of the flesh, this 200-mile round trip is the longest I've done midweek. I await your applause. Setting off at 3pm I got a lift and spent a comfy half-hour over a Theakston's Best Bitter in the clubhouse in good Shayman company. Still reeling from the losses of the Whitby–FCHT fixture that was called off, the bloke at the turnstiles charged me for an adult price, despite qualifying as a concession. Cameron's Britain, eh. I picked up an enamel badge and found an atrocious old Whitby Town on Tour t-shirt designed poorly on Microsoft Word that I don't believe I didn't buy on the spot.

The main stand at Whitby is average-sized for this level but impressive and boasts a great view. After dribbling some mushy peas down my shirt and trousers however, I left for the terrace on the opposite touchline, also of a decent size. Behind the nets on either side is hard standing that opens up to housing behind. The pitch had made a marked improvement from its state during the washout, where a dozen seagulls were occupying some small pools in it, looking for lunch.

 

In the first 15, Whitby showed their desire, forcing Hedgey to draw out his land in the box. We kept up a resistance and Whitby 'keeper David Campbell made a decision suitable of someone twice his age when the 40-year-old walked out of the box with the ball, only for Danny Holland to intercept him and almost get a second touch which would've found the net. It was then Ibby Hassan who had his clearance blocked for Holland to take control of, and to cross it in for Greggers to despatch from a few yards out and open up the scoring. Few chances came between that and our second, a bouncing Holland header from a free-kick that outwitted the handful of Seasiders in the box. The game descended into pure merkage when Phelan showed quick feet to boot one into the uncovered top-right of the net from Tommy Ten Men's delivery. From five vague chances we'd been more clinical than ever and put the match away.

The second half came without grief. Lowe's shot was too hot for Campbell to handle, resulting in Greggers missing another of those hilarious open nets. Some hint of momentum then came when Whitby's top goalscorer Jimmy Beadle pushed a daisy-cutter past Hedgey from 15 yards at slo-mo speed. Six minutes later, following a facile decision from the ref', Tommy Ten Men fell in his box and subsequently pelted it into the top left corner to restore the three-goal margin at 4–1. Were that penalty a woman, it'd be someone juicy if a little vintage. Fiona Bruce perhaps. A Whitby midfielder yelped "We're being made to look small!" as we playfully ruffled their hair through the second half. Probably a bit late telling them that, pal. We made our Whitby league aggregate 10–2 as the match came to a close, Phelan rolling it in.

The cheers from the Halifax 'alf of the crowd were more of what you'd hear if we were thrashing Lincoln Moorlands Railway pre-season. Whitby had to find their points elsewhere, and since have done against rivals Mickey Mouse Sports and Ashton United. Good for them, a top town that deserves good rep, y'all. Despite intimidation from pockets of Whitby yoof, we made it home intact. Project 100 Points is very much on.

Whitby Town 1 – 5 Halifax Town; att. 491

Match: 7/10
Atmosphere: 2/10
Food: 6/10
Drink: 7/10
Clubhouse/bar: 8/10
People: 4/10
Programme: didn't get, but thanks for the shout, Goosey.
Town: 10/10
Ground: 8/10
Talent: 2/10
Overall day: 8/10

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

One of the less flattering stats I can uncover for the Shaymen is that previous to our title-winning match at Retford this Saturday, we hadn't kept a clean sheet on aggregate against any team we'd played twice or more this season. For example, we beat Burscough 2–0 away and 3–2 at home, Ashton lost 3–0 at home to us and 1–0 away to us, but scored against us in the FA Cup, etc. Retford's statistics for this game said it all though. Shots off target: 0. Shots on target: 0. Corners: 0. So for a team who made a few attacks in the game, how did they not get any shooting practice? Throw-ins, dear reader. Retford is the European capital of the long throw-in, and the Badgers even hit the post with one this weekend.

Prior to the great badger cull, we'd drawn to Matlock to deny us the title last weekend. On Wednesday, Buxton could no longer catch us up when ex-Shaymen Andy Campbell scored the only goal for Whitby to beat them at the Turnbull Ground. This meant Colwyn could only overtake us . . . if they overcame a goal difference of 54 on us. With Retford propping up the table for the entirety of the season and Colwyn at Buxton, we were DEFINITELY DEFINITELY going to win.

That we did. It took us a little while to work out the pitch at Cannon Park, which had gone from swamp-like when we played there against Worksop in February to like a chicken's mudbath, and then we proceeded to play friendly-style football against a team filled with self-hatred. This self-hatred peaked at around 20 minutes when their #2 and #7 started fighting. Believe in your team, Retford. Cannon Park is still shockingly small and it was almost pointless to sing on hard standing. The park ground I went to today could've held more fans due to its grassy banks, and save the odd dandelion, the pitch was in a similar condition.

Our goal came when we broke on the 23rd minute, Vardy laying it to Lee Gregory who dodged it in an offside position, leaving Holland to come from nowhere. Clean through, he let the ball tumble in from the edge of the box. Two Town fans got on the pitch. Soon after Vardy almost did the same, but took it too far. A few minutes later the Town fans nearly got as noisy again: the lino made a poor decision to award them a goal kick, and when he ran off down the touchline, the flag fell off its stick. He retreated in embarrassment. A few Shaymen stole my "You should've got some Evo-Stik!" line. Liam Hogan made a textbook header from a Garner corner at the close of the half to satisfactorily put us 2–0 up.

The second half was low on entertainment, I'm afraid, but Baker and Holland were very watchable as individuals. I'd be a little worried by this scoreline normally, but the Town were going up. At the final whistle we invaded the pitch. Having done such a rigorous circuit on Friday evening instead of leaping over the barrier I collapsed over it, my sunglasses falling off pitifully, which the Shaymen Player just about missed out on filming, thank god. The Retford players wished us the best and for the next ten minutes we celebrated with our now-topless players in an open rural ground in north Nottinghamshire. The fans jumped up and down singing under a huge FC Halifax Town flag with our all-time top-scorer James Dean. If there's something football's lacking as you go up the leagues . . .

Today is Sunday 10th April. Temperatures have been above 20ºC for the best part of the day. We have five league games left, but today our pre-season began. We'll be looking at how to play in the Conference North, who to pick and who to say goodbye to. We've begun a long promotion party and I hope that you can attend.

 

 

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 829

Match: 5/10
Atmosphere: 8/10
Food: 5/10
Drink: N/A, no ale
Bar: dark and showing the Grand National, yawn
People: didn't see any!
Programme: 6/10
Town: N/A
Ground: 1/10
Talent: 5/10
Overall day: 9/10

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; 02/04/11.

If we'd won this one and Buxton dropped points, we'd have won the title once and for all. HALIFAAAXXX TOOOWWWNNN.

Which is precisely what didn't happen, despite going up in the second minute as a Vardy cross turned into a Holland header which turned into a Gregory tap-in as the three Matlock players running to the line were left helpless. An easy start as any, but during a threatening attack from the Gladiators 'Ardy blocked a shot off the line, before missing the ball and felling the soon-to-be Torquay full-timer Ross Hannah. The penalty was taken by the leader of Matlock's one-man-band himself, and the intimidating noise from the South Stand wasn't enough to deter him. After 14 minutes, it stood 1–1. For a while, the atmosphere which made Saturday's crowd appear larger than the official figure was brought down enough for, say, 30 or so travelling Matlock fans to become audible. I remember a similar amount coming from Farnborough midweek several years ago and finding it very funny, but now I react to it with a "Hey wow, haven't they got a great bunch of fans."

 

We remained relatively entertaining for a first half however, and were rewarded for shining with confidence as Vardy squared the ball in for Gregory to tap it in again. We were once again content to turn up on time for the promotion party under a cool spring sun, with Ossett-Buxton scoreless. As those scores stood we were mathematically going up, but sadly one goal went the wrong way in either game.

The Gladiators returned in the second half with two substitutions. Ross Hannah off, and their number nine off, though of course no-one knew his name as he wasn't Ross Hannah. This should've meant a more defensive second half for them surely, but on the 50th minute we gave CM Scott Phelan the first run since his injury, and for a quarter of an hour Town domination became the fashion. This is when we should've scored to make it 3–1, to make Matlock fall apart. As for Gladiators, they were far more interested in falling about the place than putting up a fight. Well, when they were drawing anyway. The chance that really should've put the game away was man of the match Garner's long-ranger which the 'keeper dropped like a flying cactus, and Lee Gregory couldn't reply to make it a hat-trick. A similar free kick to Garner's shot got easily saved, while a Matlock free kick at the other end went under the wall, bounced off the bottom post and Hedge displayed feline reflexes to box its rebound out of the way. Matlock's chance of the match was followed by a lovely bit of slapstick where Lee Gregory booted a ball for the net, and instead it met their #3's face, which floored the poor bastard.

And then, the 88th minute. Some Matlock player threw himself to the ground as Tommy Ten Men Baker leapt for the ball and for the millionth time in his career, wee Tom was punished for being the one to stay on two feet following the challenge. Matlock had a second penalty, and made it a 100% conversion rate. I imagine Matlock fans would always have a bit of dissatisfaction for the way they took a point back to the Peak District there, as I would've. With four minutes added time we lacked the tempo to create anything from that point, and as still-proud Shaymen left the ground, Aspin stormed onto the pitch to tell the ref' his interpretation of events. Oh well, we wanted to win the title at Retford's cow field anyway.

Halifax Town 2 – 2 Matlock Town; att. 2132.

Entertainment: 7/10

Brighouse 0 – 5 FC Halifax Town, 17/07/10 + the future of this blog.

Brighouse 0 – 5 FC Halifax Town, 17/07/10 + the future of this blog.

Not all of us "get" going to friendlies and that's fair enough. But to people like me, the close season seems to take longer and longer to get through, even when the World Cup's on.

The away trip to Brighouse is a warm-up for what us fans are going to see in the next nine-and-a-half months, and a warm-up exercise for our players. It was good to see Taylor put four in, and Holland the other, ie. two debutants scoring, and it wasn't good to see the dreadful food on offer: apparently the steak sarnies were diabolical, and my choice would've been an unbuttered bap. A mostly new set of legs came on for the second half, including a young hopeful trialist 'keeper name of Proctor, an ex-Preston NE youth and Rossendale lad. Looking forward to see us test ourselves against Droylsden this weekend, if I can get to it.

I'm largely in Halifax from 10th August to 28th September, assuming this and that. If I'm very lucky however I'll get a place in a university in London where I'll be from then on. Things haven't been generous to those with aspiration this side of 1979, but I rate a high-class education above watching three quarters of the games of team I adore for a few years. In this situation, I'll be going up to Halifax on weekends to watch the games I want to see more (Bankrupt Park Avenue, FCUM, Whitby, Marine, other big games (hell, they all are, always)).

So I'll be a Shayman Down South. I may become a bit of a groundhopper and bore you about the footballing lives of southern fairies. I'll give the news when it comes in.

I might be able to convince my brother to write for FTS or for the fanzine I've heard rumours about re-emerging, but he's having none of it at the moment.

'Til the next one.

I'll save you from the misery of reading a Skelmersdale review . . .

I'll save you from the misery of reading a Skelmersdale review . . .

. . . So instead, here is the video I compiled of this year's action. Enjoy.