Halifax Town 1 – 0 Scunthorpe United; 16/07/11.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Scunthorpe United; 16/07/11.

Revenge can often be strange and contrived. I walked into the afternoon's lectures with a big ol' sadface when I heard that at lunchtime, Alan Knill had suddenly left my "other" team, Bury, to help save Scunthorpe United from relegation. That weekend the Iron lost 6–0 at Norwich, and Alan Knill's new Barmy Army finished the season 24th on goal difference, dropping down to League 1. It'd be a bit of karma to beat the highest-ranked team in our friendly list this season with Knill still at their helm.

Several individual performances stood out from a watchable game. The first was that of injury-dogged Nicky Gray, who with his head up narrowed himself between two Iron defenders and hit the right post with his edge-of-the-box shot. Throughout the match, Vardy had the attention of an umpteenth full-time outfit, continuously dodging defenders and laying up precise crosses. Simon Eastwood's clean sheet was one he worked on keeping, and the Matt Smith lookalike had a nimble edge over the departed #1 Jonathan Hedge, coming up to collect a close Scunthorpe shot, which he saved again on the rebound twice to a relieved applause.

However, even the meekest Scunthorpe team, ie. the one we saw yesterday, could build up a few attempts, even if they were just by chance. Around the 75th minute, one of their numberless substitutes that came on in a Knill's mid-half line-up overhaul was adjudged to have trod on Greg Anderson's bootlaces before he calmly put the ball past Eastwood. Laughs turned to worry again towards the end, against the Vardy-led run-of-play as Scunthorpe found an opening but hit the post.

Scunthorpe substitute half the population of Scunthorpe.

Then came this:

Liam Hogan intercepted a pass and ran with it down the right. Looking like the flag of the Isle of Man, he took it in a straight line from 70 yards to 30 yards: there he gave it a bash and in it went off the bar. Possibly the best goal I've seen at the Shay, and it was from a centre-back during pre-season. Magic it was!

1–0 at 88 minutes, and the ref blew soon after. After a handshake with Neil Aspin shorter than most fist-bumps, Alan Knill plodded into the dressing rooms looking more like a distressed Woody Allen than a football manager.

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; 09/04/11.

One of the less flattering stats I can uncover for the Shaymen is that previous to our title-winning match at Retford this Saturday, we hadn't kept a clean sheet on aggregate against any team we'd played twice or more this season. For example, we beat Burscough 2–0 away and 3–2 at home, Ashton lost 3–0 at home to us and 1–0 away to us, but scored against us in the FA Cup, etc. Retford's statistics for this game said it all though. Shots off target: 0. Shots on target: 0. Corners: 0. So for a team who made a few attacks in the game, how did they not get any shooting practice? Throw-ins, dear reader. Retford is the European capital of the long throw-in, and the Badgers even hit the post with one this weekend.

Prior to the great badger cull, we'd drawn to Matlock to deny us the title last weekend. On Wednesday, Buxton could no longer catch us up when ex-Shaymen Andy Campbell scored the only goal for Whitby to beat them at the Turnbull Ground. This meant Colwyn could only overtake us . . . if they overcame a goal difference of 54 on us. With Retford propping up the table for the entirety of the season and Colwyn at Buxton, we were DEFINITELY DEFINITELY going to win.

That we did. It took us a little while to work out the pitch at Cannon Park, which had gone from swamp-like when we played there against Worksop in February to like a chicken's mudbath, and then we proceeded to play friendly-style football against a team filled with self-hatred. This self-hatred peaked at around 20 minutes when their #2 and #7 started fighting. Believe in your team, Retford. Cannon Park is still shockingly small and it was almost pointless to sing on hard standing. The park ground I went to today could've held more fans due to its grassy banks, and save the odd dandelion, the pitch was in a similar condition.

Our goal came when we broke on the 23rd minute, Vardy laying it to Lee Gregory who dodged it in an offside position, leaving Holland to come from nowhere. Clean through, he let the ball tumble in from the edge of the box. Two Town fans got on the pitch. Soon after Vardy almost did the same, but took it too far. A few minutes later the Town fans nearly got as noisy again: the lino made a poor decision to award them a goal kick, and when he ran off down the touchline, the flag fell off its stick. He retreated in embarrassment. A few Shaymen stole my "You should've got some Evo-Stik!" line. Liam Hogan made a textbook header from a Garner corner at the close of the half to satisfactorily put us 2–0 up.

The second half was low on entertainment, I'm afraid, but Baker and Holland were very watchable as individuals. I'd be a little worried by this scoreline normally, but the Town were going up. At the final whistle we invaded the pitch. Having done such a rigorous circuit on Friday evening instead of leaping over the barrier I collapsed over it, my sunglasses falling off pitifully, which the Shaymen Player just about missed out on filming, thank god. The Retford players wished us the best and for the next ten minutes we celebrated with our now-topless players in an open rural ground in north Nottinghamshire. The fans jumped up and down singing under a huge FC Halifax Town flag with our all-time top-scorer James Dean. If there's something football's lacking as you go up the leagues . . .

Today is Sunday 10th April. Temperatures have been above 20ºC for the best part of the day. We have five league games left, but today our pre-season began. We'll be looking at how to play in the Conference North, who to pick and who to say goodbye to. We've begun a long promotion party and I hope that you can attend.

 

 

Retford United 0 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 829

Match: 5/10
Atmosphere: 8/10
Food: 5/10
Drink: N/A, no ale
Bar: dark and showing the Grand National, yawn
People: didn't see any!
Programme: 6/10
Town: N/A
Ground: 1/10
Talent: 5/10
Overall day: 9/10

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Ashton United; 05/03/11.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Ashton United; 05/03/11.

 

So, we won a guest box in the Christmas draw. It was initially set for the Frickley and Nantwich dates, which were both called off. Luckily, there wasn't a single postponement to be found this weekend from step 1 right down to 6, which meant a trip for us up the East Stand and into a new astral plane full of that certain elite who work directly for the Shaymen or are the players themselves. We broke open some Hebden Bridge ale and watched from the best vantage points in the ground. To show how down with the oiks we are, lunch was Holland's pies, peas and chips. Taking the prawn sarnie ethos right down to the letter is one thing that mustn't be allowed.

 

Ashton was an appropriate one for us, as I've got Ashton blood. The blood doesn't run far enough however, for me to sympathise one bit with Ashton United, née Hurst FC, who were here purely for us to make another three points. Like a prudish data-processor being invited by his rowdy pals to a lap dancing club, Ashton made it their job to keep a draw for as long as possible, as the data-processor in this poor analogy would cover up his arousal. Yes, opposition teams have to cover up sheer carnal arousal when watching us play our game.

 

Phelan tries to find an option.

I say this with little regard for the tedium in the first half. I couldn't adjust to the fact I'd watched half a match worth of football when the half-time whistle went. What can be said? We have plenty of first halves like these. Footballer's block, I'd call it. We weren't threatened, but we lacked our own touch. The East Stand takes from the Skircoat stand opposite it and stands quiet spare the odd moan. Even our best touches only warrant applause from a select few there, most fans happy to keep their hands in their pockets, fiddling at all the fluff inside them. Garner had a stinker surprisingly, and got subbed halfway through. His easily-saved free kick was one of the few chances. The real chance of the half came near the end when Vardy had a blocked shot which the 'keeper then scuffed, leaving it almost free to Vardy again were it not for brave Ashton defending.

 

 

The second half obviously saw us pick up, so the Robins stepped up. Except their way of doing this was by putting nine players in their box. Tom Baker commented that as a centre midfielder he'd never been in a match like it, totally lacking in ideas for where to feed the ball. The fans' encouragement grew and a close chance came when Phelan circled the outside of the box for space, before whacking it for the goalie to put it out for a corner. Time fell through our open fingers though, and despite having most possession and keeping in their half, there weren't so many close chances. The tempo really picked up towards the end and after a few rapid attempts of finding blue shirts in the box, Hogan fired a rapid cross in which Vardy sprinted for, like a 100mph cheetah frustrated at still not being as fast as he would like to be breaking through his skin and entering a completely new spiritual dimension. Joy resonated across Halifax, the players rushed into one corner of the pitch with glee, and the nine Ashton players acting as defense saw their plans gutted.

 

 

Various attacks.

The Robins had almost got their draw, but now they'd let one goal in with 89 minutes on the clock, there was little hope. Their game plan had been lacerated. Two strikers came on for them and mustered a feeble attack, before we attempted a counter attack in return. With little time added on, the ref blew and I was buzzing. Not since the FC United games have goals felt as good. We didn't "nick" it so much as deserve it, and making it 1–0 late on lifted everyone's confidence.

Post-match I found that Bury had won 3–0 at Hereford, putting the Shakers second. We got a programme signed too, though Scott Phelan's signature is highly disturbing: a few squiggles around his name. Can he even write? At least he can play.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Ashton United; att. 1648
Entertainment: 2/10 first half, 8/10 second.

I'll save you from the misery of reading a Skelmersdale review . . .

I'll save you from the misery of reading a Skelmersdale review . . .

. . . So instead, here is the video I compiled of this year's action. Enjoy.