Halifax Town 1 – 0 Ashton United; 05/03/11.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Ashton United; 05/03/11.

 

So, we won a guest box in the Christmas draw. It was initially set for the Frickley and Nantwich dates, which were both called off. Luckily, there wasn't a single postponement to be found this weekend from step 1 right down to 6, which meant a trip for us up the East Stand and into a new astral plane full of that certain elite who work directly for the Shaymen or are the players themselves. We broke open some Hebden Bridge ale and watched from the best vantage points in the ground. To show how down with the oiks we are, lunch was Holland's pies, peas and chips. Taking the prawn sarnie ethos right down to the letter is one thing that mustn't be allowed.

 

Ashton was an appropriate one for us, as I've got Ashton blood. The blood doesn't run far enough however, for me to sympathise one bit with Ashton United, née Hurst FC, who were here purely for us to make another three points. Like a prudish data-processor being invited by his rowdy pals to a lap dancing club, Ashton made it their job to keep a draw for as long as possible, as the data-processor in this poor analogy would cover up his arousal. Yes, opposition teams have to cover up sheer carnal arousal when watching us play our game.

 

Phelan tries to find an option.

I say this with little regard for the tedium in the first half. I couldn't adjust to the fact I'd watched half a match worth of football when the half-time whistle went. What can be said? We have plenty of first halves like these. Footballer's block, I'd call it. We weren't threatened, but we lacked our own touch. The East Stand takes from the Skircoat stand opposite it and stands quiet spare the odd moan. Even our best touches only warrant applause from a select few there, most fans happy to keep their hands in their pockets, fiddling at all the fluff inside them. Garner had a stinker surprisingly, and got subbed halfway through. His easily-saved free kick was one of the few chances. The real chance of the half came near the end when Vardy had a blocked shot which the 'keeper then scuffed, leaving it almost free to Vardy again were it not for brave Ashton defending.

 

 

The second half obviously saw us pick up, so the Robins stepped up. Except their way of doing this was by putting nine players in their box. Tom Baker commented that as a centre midfielder he'd never been in a match like it, totally lacking in ideas for where to feed the ball. The fans' encouragement grew and a close chance came when Phelan circled the outside of the box for space, before whacking it for the goalie to put it out for a corner. Time fell through our open fingers though, and despite having most possession and keeping in their half, there weren't so many close chances. The tempo really picked up towards the end and after a few rapid attempts of finding blue shirts in the box, Hogan fired a rapid cross in which Vardy sprinted for, like a 100mph cheetah frustrated at still not being as fast as he would like to be breaking through his skin and entering a completely new spiritual dimension. Joy resonated across Halifax, the players rushed into one corner of the pitch with glee, and the nine Ashton players acting as defense saw their plans gutted.

 

 

Various attacks.

The Robins had almost got their draw, but now they'd let one goal in with 89 minutes on the clock, there was little hope. Their game plan had been lacerated. Two strikers came on for them and mustered a feeble attack, before we attempted a counter attack in return. With little time added on, the ref blew and I was buzzing. Not since the FC United games have goals felt as good. We didn't "nick" it so much as deserve it, and making it 1–0 late on lifted everyone's confidence.

Post-match I found that Bury had won 3–0 at Hereford, putting the Shakers second. We got a programme signed too, though Scott Phelan's signature is highly disturbing: a few squiggles around his name. Can he even write? At least he can play.

Halifax Town 1 – 0 Ashton United; att. 1648
Entertainment: 2/10 first half, 8/10 second.

Ashton United 0 – 3 Halifax Town; 02/10/10.

Ashton United 0 – 3 Halifax Town; 02/10/10.

To end our final FA Cup/league Saturday doublet, a handful more Shaymen than before surfaced in red brick Mancunia for another league game that will say a lot for our current playing standard.

It did—and with little skill required. Ashton practically gifted us this game, forcing Hedge to get fingers to one shot, but little more after that. That was them at their peak of the day, and after that they shut their eyes tight and gave in to a taste of the Shay medicine. This translated, and in return we didn't give a spectacular performance though Hardy returns to the team on fire, and Nicky Gray's desperate battle for a place in this season's team is seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Though without the confidence to go for goal himself, he set up a lot of good play. We haven't seen the end of him quite yet.

The squad was largely unchanged but Deano made a return, making a shot hit the netting in the first half before rolling flat on his belly over the line and just below where I was stood. He grinned throughout and seemed to be living the life of Riley (not James). He treated himself to a close range power into the top-middle which surpassed the 100 game award-winning Ashton keeper's reflexes for Town's second. The first came several minutes earlier in the play, this one in the first half, as Danny Holland was given an easy close-ranger as a result of bad defending, James Dean half-feeding Gray who left it to Holland who fed the goal.

So not too long after Deano's strike, an Ashton defender again gave a daft handball, and specially anointed penalty taker Baker gave a quick look at the left corner of the net and wrapped up the game. A fourth could have come, but the game was at a friendly pace with a friendly atmosphere. Nothing much else was needed, just ongoing harsh reminders of the Shaymen's presence in the Northern Premier and a special Hurst Cross leaving present from the hosts for three points.

Ashton United 0 – 3 Halifax Town; att. 543
Ground: 8/10
Pitch: 4/10
Programme: 4/10
Talent: 5/10
Non-partisan entertainment: 6/10

Ashton United 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 25/09/10.

Ashton United 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 25/09/10.

The two Saturday home games against Whitby are over, so time for the two Saturday away games at Ashton United's Hurst Cross. Good enough for me, because I remember loving the place in February when Mossley had to play there. I discover they don't have one gents' at the corner of the ground that is just a 5'6 brick wall, but two. I get some drinks down me and have a wee at one during half-time. I have exercised my maleness by pissing on a low designated wall—the most unorthodox bogs in English football—and so should you. Sadly, the weather's getting plain nasty so make sure no-one catches a glimpse of your cold-shrivelled member.

 That isn't my head. I'm just a voyeur.

At the end of this week, Ashton will be swimming in it from two days of hosting Town, which does our bit in helping them survive after being sued £32,000 for that career-ending injury one of their players inflicted on another several years ago, as compensation culture has wormed its way into northern football matches, where you realistically should expect to get some career-ending injury on your way to retirement anyway. I'm glad to come back in the daytime.

Where Ashton lock up their old managers.

Because this is football, and vegetarians are therefore gays, I got a serving of chips and pestilant-looking mushy peas which turned out to be gorgeous, rather than the elusive Holland's pie. I also took another look in the shop, but the way the conversation the shop attendants were having stopped as soon as a Town fan came in made me quickly scarper. To wrap up eating two of my five-a-day (chips 'n peas) I had a Mars, and as I dropped the end of it off in a bin, Ashton scored. 1–0 in 20 seconds, and Town hadn't even touched the ball. Those extrapolating the score to predict a 270–0 victory by full-time would be silly buggers, as after this with some work from Hedge, and little work beyond catching crosses and squared balls for the Ashton 'keeper, the first half ended with a 1–0 deficit. Luckily though, a referee decided to attend the game, and despite being as imperfect as the tier he works in suggests, he was one who checked his decisions throughout the game. For better or worse, in the 44th minute he sent off an Ashton player. It made sense to send off one to punish the rest of them, as the Shaymen were facing yet another team that practise rolling about on the ground more than anything else during training, and this would be a turning point where, after a half-time "chat," we could find areas to properly penetrate the Ashton box after a level 45 minutes.

It was definitely tough still, possibly with only one forward (half in experiment, half because Deano had conjunctivitis). With as always, either a profoundly unfit Ashton side or more likely a very dirty Ashton side, they tumbled here and there, but the referee would have little of it, ending up telling main culprit number 6 to get up. That, an uneven pitch, and the Ashton tactics that have seen them let in little and score few more, made it tough to watch the artful game, but we're all equally happy to watch the northern game.

The goals came in the last fifteen minutes, and they had to have come at some point. Three of them, the last being disallowed. Two short-rangers from Taylor were notched, one off a rebounding penalty, but enough to make things ecstatic in a packed terrace behind the goal. A contrast to the dejected face of the defender who stopped in his tracks as the second went in, and trudged back to the middle of the pitch where an early FA Cup knock-out was waiting for him and his club.

In two weeks we play the 3QR at the Shay, playing at home to Harrogate Town.

Ashton United 1 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 525
Ground: 8/10
Pitch: 5/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: lass in the tea hut looked good from behind
Non-partisan entertainment: 6/10

A few pictures from Curzon Ashton.

A few pictures from Curzon Ashton.

Thanks, Oli.

Anyone keen on writing it up is still more than welcome to offer.









Curzon Ashton 0 – 5 FC Halifax Town; att. 803.

Sounds like our most convincing away win this season, ahead of Shepshed Dynamo and Colwyn Bay. The insane buzz the changing rooms had for the first few months of the season seems to have come back.

Anyone interested in writing up the Curzon Ashton game?

Anyone interested in writing up the Curzon Ashton game?

It transpires that I'll be at an astronomy-related thingy tomorrow night, in Manchester but far from the action. I'm hoping to be able to borrow a mobile, but it will likely fizzle out and self-destruct as the sweat from my palms interferes with the delicate circuitry.

The event should be similarly illuminating to watching the lads, and I have no real reason to go out and cancel it, but though my mind will be stuck on celestial objects with names like (145452) 2005 RN, my heart will be at the Tameside. Anyone actually witnessing the game, no matter which team you do or don't support, can email me, leave a comment or whatever tickles your pickle. All I ask is for you to be literate, and you'll be credited.