Cack-Handed Away Guide VI: DROYLSDEN FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide VI: DROYLSDEN FC.

Droylsden FC

Butchers Arms Ground
Market Street
Droylsden
Manchester
M437AW

Nickname

The Bloods

But we call them

Dresden

Billy basics

 

Managers: Dave Pace, Dave Pace and Dave Pace

Founded: 1892

2010/11: 8th, Conf North

2009/10: 5th, Conf North

2008/09: 7th Conf North

Highest position: 2007/08: 24th, Conference National. Swag.

Average attendance 2010/11: 311

Who are Dresden?

In the 1800s, in a pub somewhere in Ashton, there lived a landlord. He had a pleasant joint with a sizable beer garden round the back. Sadly for him though, it was always occupied by a group of schoolchildren having a good old kickabout. Furious about this, the landlord stomped his feet and gnashed his teeth at them, confiscating any ball that rolled his way. But the boys would still come, hoofing the ball here and there on the well-cut lawn, chatting and chortling amongst themselves. But the landlord had had enough. On his last straw, he erected a sign: "No Ball Games."

Overnight, the beer garden turned from a summery haven full of birdsong and children's playful screams, to a wint'ry cow field full of crabgrass and potholes. It was muddy, frosted over and abandoned. It was in such a state that even a Prescot Cables fan couldn't identify it as a worthy playing field. Eventually, even his most trustworthy clientele stopped coming to the pub, and the landlord was on the verge of selling his wife to a slimy suitor from Skelmersdale. 

 

The landlord then took a sudden turn. He uprooted his No Ball Games sign and opened the back gate for the children to enjoy playing on the lawn once again. Overnight the beer garden went again from dead to alive. The children were happier than ever to have a kickabout, his pub was making roaring trade, and his wife was giving him the best sex ever. One day years later, the now elderly and ailing landlord hobbled into the garden with a pint of Joseph Holt's finest, and with a new generation of children still playing football around him, he expired. How the children wept around him, The Selfish Landlord who became a grandfather to them all, the youngest boy wrapping a string of fresh sausages around his neck. With that, they tried to take themselves more seriously and formed a club in his honour. That club became Droyslden FC, and they play in that beer garden today, The Butcher's Arms. 

Since the landlord's demise, the grounds have again turned into a desolate, wint'ry, empty area devoid of anything human.

In the late '90s though, everything went on the up again. Manager, Chairman and Utter Football Genius Dave Pace™ took over and won them the NPL First Division North championship in 1998/99, before they became founder members of the Conference North in the 2004/05 season. They became champions of said division in the 2006/07 season, and enjoyed a season of Conference National members moaning, "THAT thing passed the ground grading requirements?" The stay was cut short due to them being so abject that they only took three points off the debilitating Halifax Town FC over the entire season. They have remained in the Conference North for three better-than-average seasons. Utter Football Genius Dave Pace™manages them to this date.

The ground

Picture sources 1 2 3

The Butcher's Arms is a vaguely famous footballing venue. For it is the tradition that, for one home game every season, Bloods fans are invited to turn up in butchers overalls and walk around a stadium sprinkled with sawdust. Whether they want to have a butchers at the on-field performance is another matter. However, they have recently been banned from spraying each other with blood, as was the tradition. It's political correctness gone mad!

For the interested Town fan, there's the elevated main stand pictured above, a small terrace going down the opposite touchline and a nicely-sized terrace behind one goal. Behind the other goal is plain ol' hard standing. Last time I visited, someone had kindly left a tenner on the ground for me.

The town

Uh-oh. It's the most innercity Tameside town there is. Droylsden is packed with Mancunians overflowing from the city centre and in the small town itself, there's little to write home about, partly due to the overflow including a criminal element. Those who have rose above the rabble include Communist Party leader Harry Pollitt and budding Manchester United forward Danny Welbeck.

There is no train station in Droylsden and there may as well be no police station either. Take a bus either from Ashton or the city centre.

Will we need to segregate?

Nah.

OFFICIAL SITE

THE BLOODS FORUM, IF YOU GET THAT DESPERATE
REDUNDANT FANSITE

Leave a comment reminding me how I'm a lazy journo.

Bradford (Park Avenue) 1 – 3 Halifax Town; 24/01/11.

Bradford (Park Avenue) 1 – 3 Halifax Town; 24/01/11.

 

 This morning we'll be singing 1. All Things Bright and Beautiful, 421. He's Got the Whole World in His Hands and 341. He Who Would Valiant Be.

When interviewed on the Shaymen Player interviewed Neil Aspin after our 8–1 win against Ossett, the first thing he let be known was his "mixed feelings." Our manager felt dissatisfied after recording Halifax Town's best ever league win in 100 years.

Great!

The Park Ave game was originally intended for a Saturday at the end of November, and I remember fetching my bike late the night before to find it covered in snow. The match wasn't to be, and this meant a lower crowd, though still an encouraging 1000 or so Shaymen. What was worse was the temperature, which throughout winter looks a bit like this on a log (Kelvin) temperature scale:

Click to enlarge.

This made it rather difficult to focus on the match as the molecules comprising my body lost their identity and begun to behave as waves, whose patterns quickly begun to overlap each other at a frantic rate. Besides which, the most impressive-looking stand in the league (besides ours) is a let-down when you get there.

The queue was long but the tea ladies kept it moving, though despite their efforts we missed the first few minutes and therefore Vardy's goal! It was close to worth it for the best chips in the league: the sort of splendour you get in good pubs. Our first seating position is towards the bottom of the stand but as high as we can get due to it being packed, and literally half the pitch is obscured by the dugouts. The meal had to be finished quickly, and stood to the top side of the covered stand a better view was found, still obscured by the stand poles and fairly dim floodlights.

The game was a hard watch for most of us because of how hard it was to play. Rain came a few times and the wind was the most powerful I've experienced in the Tin Pot. This ensured our corners would blow out of play most of the time, though is less a disadvantage when it's going your way. Holland fired a ball at the keeper (a master at fumbling the ball), and it flew almost vertically in the air. As Deano anticipated it coming down, it bounced off the ground and 45º into the top of the net! Its dynamics were closer to a rugby ball. The goal was hilarious and worth the asking price of the match.

We realised that Avenue had actually done an alright job in the second half, because running into the wind billowing from the Buttershaw Estate side of the ground was all but took the footballing experience away. They worked the wind well with their first corner. The ball passed the line for about a nanosecond. The lino and ref disagreed on the decision and most of the players joined in the goal dispute. One of them put it that it's physically impossible for Bradford Park Avenue to score a goal, seeing as they failed to score against Retford earlier this season. The other must have followed the cheers from the stands. Of course, this being the seventh tier of English football, nothing was done objectively. I kid, they rightfully halved our lead. 1–2, and with 40 more minutes of dealing with an impeding wind.

 Top tribute to a top fan. Click to enlarge.

Distance from the net when being behind the goal renders it impossible to properly abuse the 'keeper.

Besides the rugby-like movements of the ball, this signalled the turning point where players started engaging in furious rough 'n tumbles: egg chasing, Super League stylée. Vardy's pulled back in their box and we receive a penalty, thank god. It'd be extremely hard for any team to find the net when the wind would change the most blistering shot into an over-hit dribble. Our man Tom Baker buried it into the middle-right of the net, and the two-goal lead was restored.

This blog prides itself in professionalism, but sometimes I take a picture instead of filming and vice versa.

Dissatisfaction with the ref in both camps increases when Scott Phelan rides two dirty tackles followed by another, a hideous two-footer from Avenue's number 3. You can see his arms wave in protest after the first tackle, so it's no surprise that he appeared to retaliate when the number 3 floored him, and this turned into a four-man pile-on. With the fans chanting "OFF!" at the number 3, the ref misconstrued this and sent off Phelan. Wa-hey! Their player/assistant manager picks up on his team-mate's criminal offense, and lays in with a two-footed tackle of his own. Ever an example to the team he dictates, he's sent to the dressing room.

It's fair to say the sides don't like each other anymore. Our best change comes with a long-range shot that the 'keeper, naturally, fumbles, and there was even room for Hedge to spill a ball towards the end of the match too. The ball flew about on its own accord like a cheap fly-away and to some relief of watching a game bereft of many true highlights, the final whistle came. We're now 12 points clear,  21 goals clear and have scored 14 in the last three games. Seasons are never all the same, but our league seems unassailable. We're definitely starting to eye up opposition in the Blue Square North now, like a lad would eye up prettier lasses after finding that his acne has cleared up.

Bradford (Park Avenue) 1 – 3 Halifax Town; att. 1325

Ground: 6/10

Pitch: 6/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: N/A
Chips: 9/10 (succ-u-lent)

Non-partisan entertainment: 5/10

Matlock Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 16/11/10.

Matlock Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 16/11/10.

Turns out the Peak District has possibly the coldest weather in England. Cold but not numb in Leeds as I set off; cold but not numb as I arrived back at 11:15pm. 300 or so Shaymen going down Matlock way for a craic have experienced their first properly extremity-freezing match of the season, but all with good earnings.

Matlock fortunately have their ground, Causeway Lane, at a central location to their small town. A three-side ground extends into a cricket pitch, fenced off behind one goal for the more serious
sport. On one side a new stand proudly looks over the bobbly pitch, beside an unfinished clubhouse structure with good vantage. Behind the other goal is a mini-terrace with several poles which greatly impinge on your viewing, as I found when I could only tell the ball went in the Matlock net for the second time by the fan reaction. Another long stand-or-two spreads itself over the touchline parallel to Causeway Lane itself, is wooden, and both rickety and cricket-y. The new stand probably trumps the others as despite having to sit down, the vantage point is the best. Get involved here.

 

Ooh, shiny.

Unsurprisingly, the match was fast from the start. It was a compliment to us, despite edging it in play, when Deano skipped over a goalkeeper and defender that became entangled with each other to score into an open net from a tricky angle 14 minutes in. When Matlock attacked though, they attacked just as strongly. In one break Hedge ran out from his position and Matlock regained the ball. How many other defenders in this league would have cleared that effort from the six-yard box with a seal-like kick is unknown. We could have taken advantage of two easy close-range efforts (Holland skying it, Garner swiping at it) in the first half when Matlock weren't quite as strong, but the result's still fair and there for all to see.

 Drinking on the terraces? St Pauli? No, Matlock Town.

In the past year, Aspin's tactics have snuffed out the most dangerous strikers. Scott Barlow's tally? 0. Jordan Connerton's? 0. Michael Norton's? 0. Ross Hannah, Matlock's goalscorer of seven against Bedworth United last month, looked deadly every time he rampaged further than I've seen any opposition striker rampage this season. Despite this, he went to bed hungry on Tuesday night. One rifled shot in the second half and one very well-placed free kick (remember when our free kicks were well-placed?) were well-saved by Hedge and we have a decent enough defense for Matlock to be unable to do their worst.

 
Our second goal was a quick-footed Deano tap-in from a second Vardy assist where our reflexes beat those of the Matlock defense, but a two-goal lead didn't last too long as Lee Morris got one from the other side. This turned the final 35 minutes into a contest between us trying to finish them off and Matlock finding an equaliser. Though there were very few shots in it, play darted back and forth. Matlock didn't do themselves favours though, as Lee Featherstone reacted to Vardy's hard tackle by stamping on his ribcage. He didn't seem to understand his strength as he was sent off, and walked back to the changing rooms with a big smirk on his face. From now on if you hear the words "Lee Featherstone" you should immediately think "a threat to all that's good in football." Don't let him get away.

Even this didn't kill off Matlock's desire though, and the final whistle came as a relief when further goals could have gone either way, 50/50. It's odd to get to a ground through tiny Peak District B roads but an interesting experience to see a close, fought contest again. Whether it was well-fought isn't quite clear. The Gladiators lived up to their nickname but we weren't exactly saints.

This result makes it 10 wins in a row for the Shaymen.  30 points in 59 days. We could field a team full of the bastard children of Tom Harban and Cameron Jerome and still stay clear of relegation, let's put it that way.

 The Shaymen are starting to work well on uneven pitches.

Matlock 1 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 549

Ground: 6/10

Pitch: 5/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: zilch

Non-partisan entertainment: 8/10 

FC Halifax Town 3 – 0 Harrogate Railway Athletic; 13th February 2010.

FC Halifax Town 3 – 0 Harrogate Railway Athletic; 13th February 2010.

To hell with the missus, spend a Saturday afternoon freezing to death at the Shay with 1200 or so other enlightened characters and watch tearfully one-sided football until the final, shrill whistle. And if you find that a little too much, take her with you. Just remember to go to the toilet beforehand, because there isn't any soap in the grounds' bogs and apparently merely wetting your hands only feeds germs.

Tonight's a night of celebration, for this is the first match report I've done for Town which doesn't involve them drawing! It isn't a curse! But against a team who have failed to win away in the league this season, it shouldn't be such a surprise. Despite that, Harrogate RA are a team that play more football than average, and a unit I hope we didn't humiliate too much.

The match heralded possibly a first at the Shay, as I took along a friend who is possibly the first Chinese woman ever to pass through the turnstiles. And . . . *drum roll* . . . we've just made another Shay(wo)man! Town put their all into today's game and she wasn't disappointed at all, despite being new to the game to my knowledge. It's also good to finally have a case of Halifax stealing fans from Huddersfield for once, rather than the other way round.



Kicking off, as always it was pretty even for the first five minutes. We warmed up and started spending most of the time in their half again.

Now, one of the cardinal sins of a striker or anyone getting forward to the box is allowing the ball to fly across the box and for none of them to receive it as it does. Dead balls going from post-to-post in line with the net is desperately sad. If an opponent grabs it there, then tough titty. Otherwise, it's an open goal opportunity. Anyway, it happens, and opportunities like that saw the Shaymen getting closer and closer to the net. For the rotund goalkeeper's waddling and lack of dedication however, he pulled off decent saves throughout the game and eventually Marshall had a gloved header trickle in as the goalkeeper scuffled it. Goalazzio!

More putting-in-placeness came approaching half time, as corners didn't quite find clinical headers, and throughout the game two or three goals were disallowed, though with fair sense. Commotion was raised as Scooby (I think) fell in the box, but by half time it was 1–0, a satisfactory, but not quite comfortable.

Harrogate didn't really threaten in their few attacks, but of them there were two goalmouth scrambles where Hedge eventually gathered the ball. He had a fantastic match to man up to some of the balls which got so near to the net (even though the venom in Harrogate's attack was about as poisonous as a nice hot bubble bath), and the first clean sheet in a few games.

The second half saw an even better display of football. The only performance I can truly criticise was the meekness of Winter's efforts, and Nicky Gray, though his confidence increased as the game went on. The second goal seemed without question as Gray broke through and with a clear-cut effort, slotted it past the keeper who, due to his mass, was unable to get to the ground in time.

Play petered out a little again as it did after the first goal, and Peers came on. Within a few minutes, he fired a low shot at the keeper in a similar scenario, which was hit to fly straight out of the nets immediately by the desperate slide of a Harrogate defender. The referee quickly decided the effort went in. 3–0! The cheers weren't as great due to the moment of suspension, and the controversy about whether it went in definitely was there, as there were but microseconds in the time it actually passed the goal line and was kicked out if at all. But, Town fans! Here's your proof:



The second half was comfy and without too many mistakes anyway, and many may say the score didn't quite live up to the performance, but there's nothing to complain about. Practically the best thirteen players at this current time saw through the game at least in parts, functioned exceptionally well and were a treat to watch. A comfortable game once we picked up at the second half, and another seller for FCHT. The whistle blew after a worry-free half, and Town fans quickly filed out of the stadium before their extremities froze off.

We'll have to take the chances bequeathed to us on Monday's Curzon game at the Tameside if they have the skills their position suggests, but by today's result, there is nothing to fear. It'll be a heated cracker of a game regardless of the final score, and if you're not usually the one who'd enjoy getting pneumonia for your local team then I pray you take that evening's game as an exception. Hoping for a crowd in excess of 700 there, and if you'll be one of them then I'll happily see you there.