Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.

Altrincham Football Club

Moss Lane

Altrincham

Cheshire

WA15 8AP

Nickname

Alty, The Robins

But we call them

Defaultrincham, The Spawny Gets

Who are Alty?

Well, it just happened to be that Altrincham came first on an alphabetical list on the teams we'll be facing this coming season. Altrincham have only spent one season in the Conference North previous to this, after being promoted through the play-offs in 2005 the year the league was formed. They were subsequently plopped into the child's sandpit that is the Conference National with the Shaymen, and told to be nice to their new buddies. What was to follow? Altrincham were reprieved in 2006, finishing 22nd. They finished 21st in 2007 and were reprieved. They then finished 21st in 2008. Super Town of course, managed 20th that season, honourable given the awfulness of the situation, but were liquidated. So–! As a result, Altrincham were reprieved. But rather than respecting Halifax Town as the reason Alty have been the jammiest bastards in 21st century football, they gloated at our demise. And it's for this reason that our two games against Alty are going to be the biggest score settlers of this coming season.

Beyond this, Alty's history is presented as that of a successful part-time, regional club. Forming as Broadheath FC they quickly became Altrincham FC, were sent down south from the Lancashire Leagues to the Cheshire leagues, and spent almost 50 years there. After six admirable seasons of either being in the mix or leading the pack, they became founder members of the Northern Premier League in 1968, landing a spot in the Alliance (Conference) in 1979. These were their halcyon years, immediately becoming champions of the Alliance for two seasons running, bowing out to often big Football League opposition in the FA Cup for six out of the 10 seasons in the '80s. Somewhere along the way they found a fan in alternative comedian Frank Sidebottom.

They dropped out of the hatch at the bottom of the Conference in 1997, before coming back for a blur of a season and falling down into the NPL again. Promotion from the new-found Conference North followed in 2005. They were then of course reprieved for the next three seasons in the Conference's bid to devastate otherwise slightly less unsuccessful teams such as Town, and here we are today in the confusing world of Twitters, e-Facebooks and strangely realistic Japanese sex dolls. Unfortunately, the webmaster of Alty's official site hasn't yet been told of such modernisation.

The 2010/11 saw the Robins go part-time again and totter around the relegation spots for the season's entirety. Historic debts however have claimed to be paid off, and sensible management has thus brought Altrincham to an arguably more natural level.

Altrincham retain a lifelong rivalry with the locals at Macclesfield Town. Fortunes have been disparate however, and much like the Shaymen's out-of-date rivalries with Huddersfield and Rochdull, chances are the two teams won't meet for a while. Northwich Victoria have also been past rivals, but I'm sure that feeling has turned into one much worse for the Vics: sheer pity.

The Ground

Moss Lane is an old-school effort built in limited space with seemingly decent seater stands and good terraces elsewhere, ideal for troubling goalkeepers. Provided the revenge factor's still there by then, we should bring several hundred to the wrong side of the Pennines. Parking is very limited, such is the tinpottery of it all. Possible segregation could leave us in a roofless away end, and the Hindu among us may count the port-a-loos as a punishment for deeds done in our past lives.

The town

Located in southernmost Greater Manchester, Altrincham boasts both the wattle-and-daub and distressed brick of Cheshire, and the persistent rainy bleakness of Manchester. It is an average-sized market town that "benefits" from being a commuter centre. It can be accessed by tram and bus from Manchester city centre, eight miles north-east. Alternatively, trains from Piccadilly should get you there within half an hour. Local pubs include the King George and the Bridge Inn, provided they haven't closed by time of visit. Altrincham is of course pronounced "Ol-tring-um." Don't embarrass yourself.

Aside from the much-maligned Frank Sidebottom, Ian Brown of the Stone Roses once roamed Altrincham's charter'd streets. Man City and United players are also professed to live there, but in the posh areas obviously.

Will we need to segregate?

Mmmaybe. You'd like to think 200 or so would bother with the trip, but don't bank on it.

OFFICIAL SITE

FORUM

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FC United of Manchester 0 – 1 Halifax Town; 11/12/10.

FC United of Manchester 0 – 1 Halifax Town; 11/12/10.

It's a freezing Wednesday night at Gigg Lane and Football Club United of Manchester are playing the biggest game in their short history. They are contending with Brighton and Hove Albion in a replay of the second round of the FA Cup, having drawn at their place. Each opportunity in this cup is another cup final. Through the flares and dark cold a large banner billows as much as it can when its four corners are pinned to a barrier. "Making Friends Not Millionaires" is the maxim.

If FC United made millionaires in the way they make friends then they'd be staring liquidation in the face.

Us at FC Halifax Town have been rubbing our hands together for this one. Let's put it coyly: this isn't because we both have support that outnumbers all others in the league. Nah, we're just excited to have a game on after three weeks. With Aspin giving the boys a lot of running exercises at training as pitches in the Northern Premier League freeze over, maybe they want to do something more interactive also.

It's been another magical FA Cup run for a handful of clubs. Tipton Town took on Carlisle after getting through six rounds. Hythe Town likewise, bowing out to Hereford. Havant & Waterlooville got another good FA Cup deal for their money before falling to Droylsden, who threw away a 2–0 lead at Leyton Orient, the O's coming back in extra-time to net eight. Droylsden are one of the most central teams in Manchester, though not many professed City or United fans would recognise their name.

 

FC United did remarkably well, too. They got through five rounds. Even more remarkably still perhaps, they eclipsed all other tales of heady FA Cup dreams. They're out of it now of course after losing 4–0 on Wednesday, but they're not yet out of the relegation zones. A commentator during the Brighton game explained this may be down to "their style being unsuited for the Northern League." That's a bit like saying Ann Widdecombe isn't suited for the sexuality of the modern man.

The relation is this: Halifax Town never had a choice when we lost everything. With opaque staffing and declining performances we could only sit and spectate. The borough of Calderdale wasn't behind its club and still is antipathetic for the most part, so even when we rose from the ashes, a supporter-owned club was out of the question. We're lucky to have the most open management in years. We're lucky to have a large stadium that stands tall and in decent nick for one of the first times ever. And we're lucky to have a team and management team that put the time and effort into the club that we as fans do. So in this match, the biggest in the non-league this weekend, FC United were playing a team of similar support. That's what the neutrals came for still, but they stayed for the FC United story. On the other side of the halfway line stands a team representing a club once known as the worst in the league, and there isn't a team in this league who don't fear us as opposition. For those actually involved in the Evo-Stik Premier, we're the ones to watch. Rightly so, as even FC United, who despite achy legs put in one of their big efforts, failed to match up to a Town line-up, our excuses plentiful but aside.

Over to more pressing matters, an entourage of Shaymen rocketed over the Pennines for a bit of fun. Sources over here put it at 750, sources over there put it at 937, but for however many it was we were raring for another league game. Singing as we approached the turnstiles helped too. I gave the fella with the programmes £2 for a neatly laid-out but thin issue that could be devoured within five minutes with great respects to their community efforts. It should be noted that fans like him were cheerful and chatty. As many top FC United fans there are about, they're sadly eclipsed by the endlessly cocky and hostile sub-Leeds United nutters who soil a great (not far from perfect!) concept for club management. Notable in the programme is the charitable heart it places in of Greater Manchester. Our club isn't far off in this respect at all, but it creates FC United as a social conscience. I'd wager those who perspire for the club and its community work and those who make this a reason to be arrogant scumbags are two completely separate factions. All the best to the programme guys and the FC United fan who extended himself to offering me a lift for this game, and may they inherit their club over the worst sorts. True fans: masses of warm, firm handshakes and luck wishes.

 

FC United came out from the changing rooms as a nasty shock, and a departure from the eleven dry farts I saw at the Horsfall Stadium a few months ago. They forced an attack early on with a narrow miss, and missed out on a fuzzy penalty call as Liam Hogan and their Carlos Roca nearly collided. This was more like the FC United I saw on Sky against Rochdale and Brighton. They were up for it, but when they weren't attacking we were. Guaranteed. Garner laid on very nicely for Deano who skied it at close range a few minutes later. Following on from that, Scott Phelan hit the post. If the times Phelan hit the post and the times he scored were proportional to the area of the posts and the net itself, goalposts would be about two metres wide. He'll get them in soon enough.

Not the best but not the most worrisome showing for us in the first half, then. As Deano went off injured, a bit more bite came into our attack. Just as I remembered the words I'd been given: "FC United cannot deal with crosses into the box," Metcalfe did just that. The ultimate finishing move for a goalie is a deflection of a quick ball which came courtesy of Garner's head, and the ball sizzled in the right corner. The Cemetery End erupted and carried on at such a volume for a good while.

 

One goal's never enough though, especially in lower-league football. The ensuing 40 minutes were some of the most tense I've seen, and across the stand our very frequent chanting interchanged with much chewing of fingernails. We forced more attacks, but when we weren't setting some up they were. Their problems were getting caught offside too often and damn target practice. Ours were . . . target practice, I guess. Sometimes we're great at it, sometimes we're desperate. For a team susceptible to attacks on the wing we didn't do that all too often but if Vardy finished all his one-on-ones he'd be bringing the match ball home for sure. If it weren't 0–1, it'd be 3–4.

The final whistle blew, and three points were counted for the Shaymen, now six points in the lead. If Worksop win their games in hand they would be three points behind us. Beside which, we're simply admiring the view.

FC United of Manchester 0 – 1 Halifax Town; att. 2805

Programme: 5/10
Talent: one stewardess; a Town fan returned to get "searched" by her again

Non-partisan entertainment: 8/10  

Independent review

Bury 1 – 2 Peterborough United; 27/11/10.

Bury 1 – 2 Peterborough United; 27/11/10.

 

Saturday morning in Leeds.

I'd been sat refreshing a few screens for too long, and had to catch the train to Halifax before it became too late. Shortly after the train left the station the Bradford Park Avenue match at the Horsfall had been declared off due to a frozen pitch, a quick decision had to be made in order to save Saturday. My second team being Bury, I checked their site to find out there wasn't even a mention of a pitch inspection over in Lancashire, so off we went, getting there a few minutes after kick-off. And no, they haven't got their rose the wrong colour.

I've watched Bury several years more than Halifax Town as it's a joy I've inherited from my father, but this is possibly the longest I've gone without seeing a match of theirs in person. The last time being the two home games against Accrington Stanley at the end of the season and then Shrewsbury in the play-offs as we missed out on automatic promotion by one goal. Both of them had huge crowds of several thousand, and on both of them we lost by the thinnest margin. Halifax's season had been taken off the hob months before, and finished away to Chorley with a final farty bubble of a goalless draw a week or so prior to Accrington. It was good to be back at a spiritual home of mine.

 

Better scores, better times.

The prospect of playing a higher league team hadn't inspired Bury this time around, with one of the lowest attendances of the season clocking in just over 2,500. Peterborough stand at 10th in the third tier; the most relaxing position they've had in a while. I attended the last meeting of the sides at Gigg Lane a few seasons ago in a fourth tier affair where we coolly won 2–0. Posh earned a promotion by the end of the season, followed by another to the Championship. Followed by an unstoppable fall straight down again. Maybe they'll find League One to be the league where they belong after a few intense seasons. For the Shakers, a home draw against a competent team in the league above would potentially show how we would fare if we were to secure promotion this time around.

 

The Boro congregation was nothing to write home about. 186 fans travelling 150 miles or so would be expected of the Shaymen five leagues below. They made themselves heard nonetheless, though their drum overpowered their voices. It was obvious why they outsung us a few times as well. Bury merely covered Peterborough from ripping straight through their midfield and defense and were far too shy to tackle. Posh wasted no time in punishing us as they scored on the 12th minute with Tomlin. We peeked out from their domination a few times in the first half but lacked fundamental desire. Things got worse on the 37th with a hideous goal that rolled in at jogging pace as Sodje (another great game otherwise) sent a header back to goalie Fon Williams with so little power that Mackail-Smith could deflect it from Fon Williams' reach. In the first-half Bury were the weaker team and went forth with counter attacks. Haworth was a tricky dribbler down the wing but Ajose had the chances of the match, including one that was blocked off the line in the first half.

 

Knill must have made some effective changes to the Bury mentality at half-time, as we eventually declared our dominance over the game as Peterborough had done in the first half. It didn't take too long for our defenders to stay just inside of our half to set up chances destined towards the onion bag at the Cemetery End. On the 51st minute, Ryan Lowe smashed one in to make things promising. It's a shame the equaliser never came, but what better chance was there than the powerful strike Ajose delivered, one that Posh goalkeeper Lewis could just about get his hand to. Ajose charged like a bulldog, him and Lowe able to run through Peterborough's middle, and in a half where Bury deserved an equaliser, Ajose deserved the credit for scoring it.

The Gigg Lane family stand is one of great atmosphere where you're free to scream and yelp to your heart's content if need be. No turning around and tutting from the East Stand masses at the Shay here. A highlight was the bringing on of Posh substitue Aaron Davies, which was met by a cry behind me of "AARON PENIS?! THAT'S AN UNFORTUNATE NAME!" Following that, many fans got wound up by a referee (one that, earlier today, declared the match at the Horsfall should be on), who easily commiserated with a few Peterborough midfielders who were quick to fall over at any touch. The real challenge for the Shakers, however, is asserting their authority over league leaders Chesterfield in next week's six-pointer. This weekend neither side let their opponents get away with error and Bury, though down from a 5–0 away win at Lincoln City's Sincil Bank this Tuesday, look like they have every chance. Let's make it happen.

 

Bury 1 – 2 Peterborough United; att. 2514
Entertainment: 8/10

Matlock Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 16/11/10.

Matlock Town 1 – 2 Halifax Town; 16/11/10.

Turns out the Peak District has possibly the coldest weather in England. Cold but not numb in Leeds as I set off; cold but not numb as I arrived back at 11:15pm. 300 or so Shaymen going down Matlock way for a craic have experienced their first properly extremity-freezing match of the season, but all with good earnings.

Matlock fortunately have their ground, Causeway Lane, at a central location to their small town. A three-side ground extends into a cricket pitch, fenced off behind one goal for the more serious
sport. On one side a new stand proudly looks over the bobbly pitch, beside an unfinished clubhouse structure with good vantage. Behind the other goal is a mini-terrace with several poles which greatly impinge on your viewing, as I found when I could only tell the ball went in the Matlock net for the second time by the fan reaction. Another long stand-or-two spreads itself over the touchline parallel to Causeway Lane itself, is wooden, and both rickety and cricket-y. The new stand probably trumps the others as despite having to sit down, the vantage point is the best. Get involved here.

 

Ooh, shiny.

Unsurprisingly, the match was fast from the start. It was a compliment to us, despite edging it in play, when Deano skipped over a goalkeeper and defender that became entangled with each other to score into an open net from a tricky angle 14 minutes in. When Matlock attacked though, they attacked just as strongly. In one break Hedge ran out from his position and Matlock regained the ball. How many other defenders in this league would have cleared that effort from the six-yard box with a seal-like kick is unknown. We could have taken advantage of two easy close-range efforts (Holland skying it, Garner swiping at it) in the first half when Matlock weren't quite as strong, but the result's still fair and there for all to see.

 Drinking on the terraces? St Pauli? No, Matlock Town.

In the past year, Aspin's tactics have snuffed out the most dangerous strikers. Scott Barlow's tally? 0. Jordan Connerton's? 0. Michael Norton's? 0. Ross Hannah, Matlock's goalscorer of seven against Bedworth United last month, looked deadly every time he rampaged further than I've seen any opposition striker rampage this season. Despite this, he went to bed hungry on Tuesday night. One rifled shot in the second half and one very well-placed free kick (remember when our free kicks were well-placed?) were well-saved by Hedge and we have a decent enough defense for Matlock to be unable to do their worst.

 
Our second goal was a quick-footed Deano tap-in from a second Vardy assist where our reflexes beat those of the Matlock defense, but a two-goal lead didn't last too long as Lee Morris got one from the other side. This turned the final 35 minutes into a contest between us trying to finish them off and Matlock finding an equaliser. Though there were very few shots in it, play darted back and forth. Matlock didn't do themselves favours though, as Lee Featherstone reacted to Vardy's hard tackle by stamping on his ribcage. He didn't seem to understand his strength as he was sent off, and walked back to the changing rooms with a big smirk on his face. From now on if you hear the words "Lee Featherstone" you should immediately think "a threat to all that's good in football." Don't let him get away.

Even this didn't kill off Matlock's desire though, and the final whistle came as a relief when further goals could have gone either way, 50/50. It's odd to get to a ground through tiny Peak District B roads but an interesting experience to see a close, fought contest again. Whether it was well-fought isn't quite clear. The Gladiators lived up to their nickname but we weren't exactly saints.

This result makes it 10 wins in a row for the Shaymen.  30 points in 59 days. We could field a team full of the bastard children of Tom Harban and Cameron Jerome and still stay clear of relegation, let's put it that way.

 The Shaymen are starting to work well on uneven pitches.

Matlock 1 – 2 Halifax Town; att. 549

Ground: 6/10

Pitch: 5/10
Programme: N/A
Talent: zilch

Non-partisan entertainment: 8/10