Cack-Handed Away Guide II: BLYTH SPARTANS AFC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide II: BLYTH SPARTANS AFC.

Blyth Spartans AFC
Croft Park
Blyth
Northumberland
NE24 3JE 

Nickname

The Spartans

But we call them

Spartizan Blythe

Billy basics

Manager: Mick Tait, ass. Chris Swailes (the ex-Bury, Doncaster and Ipswich one)

Founded: 1899

2010/11: 9th, Conf North

2009/10: 13th, Conf North

2008/09: 15th, Conf North

Highest position: 2006/07: 7th, Conf North

Average attendance 2010/11: ~450

Who are Spartizan Blythe?

Apparently "the only team to have never been relegated," Spartizan have the pride and honour of being another club that specialise in giant killing. They got closer than the propaganda and lies behind Creepy Crawley did this 2010/11 season way back in 1977/78, when they took Wrexham to a replay in the 5th Round of the FA Cup. And like Crawley, they have a song to commemorate their success. The difference? Blyth's was actually good and catchy:

In other notable efforts, they got to Reading in the 3rd Round in 1971/72, Stockport in 1995/96 in the 2nd Round, and at home to Blackburn Rovers in the 3rd Round in 2008/09, where a single goal and five leagues separated the two teams.

Even the most brainless supporter of The League of Foreign Millionaires wouldn't dismiss this ahem, plucky little non-league side as "shit," seeing as their history is seemingly unblemished with turmoil on or off the field. Going competitive in 1901, they prattled around in regional leagues until each one folded right before their eyes, until election to the Northern League in 1964. They remained here until 1994, already having been champions ten times and runners-up five times. After making it into the 1st Division of the Northern Premier League, they won a second consecutive promotion to the Premier Division. Despite missing the boat to the newly-established Conference North in 2004/05, they acted fast and earnt a place there in 2006. They've held their own here ever since.

To top it off, amidst countless esoteric cups, Blyth reached the FA Trophy Quarter Finals in '80 and '83, way back in their Northern League days. Their ambition a different flavour to the Shaymen's, we'll see which can out-muscle the other. Their striker Paul Brayson was one of the team that merked us at Newcastle Blue Star in our first season in this guise, before Blue Star imploded to everyone's indifference, their players leaving for Blyth and Spennymoor. Now aged 33, it will be our duty to find him a suitable retirement home. A final Spartizan claim-to-fame has been something a little out of keeping with their boundless triumphs:

The ground

Picture sources: 1 2 3

Yes, boys and girls, that really is a two-tiered stand. The entrepreneurial heads of Blyth have taken advantage of their recent earnings by creating a Conference-standard stadium. In 2003 new seating and concrete terracing was put in place, followed by an extended roof and bottom-tier seating for their main Port of Blyth Stand in 2007. All stands are now covered, just for us lucky travelling Shaymen. If you arrive at a place a little smaller-looking, you may have arrived at the ground of the aggressively non-league Blyth Town. The ground is located by the seaside, but hopefully there won't be as much broken glass and used condoms littering the pitch as there will be on the beach. Let's at least hope the seagulls aren't fishing in this one.

The town

130 miles from Halifax, getting to Blyth is a little more of a challenge than we've been used to. In Blyth, this translates to a derby: the poor bastards having to travel 90 and 100 miles respectively to get to local rivals Harrogate and Workington. It's a port town 15 miles up from Newcastle, so for those looking for a pub please stay in Blyth, and those looking for a night or seven of moral turpitude involving nearly-nekked Geordie lasses in Jägerbomb-freezing temperatures, please go to the Toon, not coming back until you've properly redeemed yourself. Either way, all Shaymen who will be patient enough with public transport will have to transfer at Newcastle. Trains run to the north-east from Leeds, and an overnight stay should be considered. And don't you even think of hitting the Toon with those dolly birds. They will never love you. Yes, I can tell you're thinking it. Just don't.

Blyth itself speaks of fishing, lighthouses, post-coal-mining depression and the inevitable regeneration, in which every boarded-up discount shop in the Blyth Ward will be replaced by a milk bar full of southerners by 2015.

Will we need to segregate?

No.

OFFICIAL SITE

PESTER A SPARTIZAN BLYTHE FAN HERE

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Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.

Altrincham Football Club

Moss Lane

Altrincham

Cheshire

WA15 8AP

Nickname

Alty, The Robins

But we call them

Defaultrincham, The Spawny Gets

Who are Alty?

Well, it just happened to be that Altrincham came first on an alphabetical list on the teams we'll be facing this coming season. Altrincham have only spent one season in the Conference North previous to this, after being promoted through the play-offs in 2005 the year the league was formed. They were subsequently plopped into the child's sandpit that is the Conference National with the Shaymen, and told to be nice to their new buddies. What was to follow? Altrincham were reprieved in 2006, finishing 22nd. They finished 21st in 2007 and were reprieved. They then finished 21st in 2008. Super Town of course, managed 20th that season, honourable given the awfulness of the situation, but were liquidated. So–! As a result, Altrincham were reprieved. But rather than respecting Halifax Town as the reason Alty have been the jammiest bastards in 21st century football, they gloated at our demise. And it's for this reason that our two games against Alty are going to be the biggest score settlers of this coming season.

Beyond this, Alty's history is presented as that of a successful part-time, regional club. Forming as Broadheath FC they quickly became Altrincham FC, were sent down south from the Lancashire Leagues to the Cheshire leagues, and spent almost 50 years there. After six admirable seasons of either being in the mix or leading the pack, they became founder members of the Northern Premier League in 1968, landing a spot in the Alliance (Conference) in 1979. These were their halcyon years, immediately becoming champions of the Alliance for two seasons running, bowing out to often big Football League opposition in the FA Cup for six out of the 10 seasons in the '80s. Somewhere along the way they found a fan in alternative comedian Frank Sidebottom.

They dropped out of the hatch at the bottom of the Conference in 1997, before coming back for a blur of a season and falling down into the NPL again. Promotion from the new-found Conference North followed in 2005. They were then of course reprieved for the next three seasons in the Conference's bid to devastate otherwise slightly less unsuccessful teams such as Town, and here we are today in the confusing world of Twitters, e-Facebooks and strangely realistic Japanese sex dolls. Unfortunately, the webmaster of Alty's official site hasn't yet been told of such modernisation.

The 2010/11 saw the Robins go part-time again and totter around the relegation spots for the season's entirety. Historic debts however have claimed to be paid off, and sensible management has thus brought Altrincham to an arguably more natural level.

Altrincham retain a lifelong rivalry with the locals at Macclesfield Town. Fortunes have been disparate however, and much like the Shaymen's out-of-date rivalries with Huddersfield and Rochdull, chances are the two teams won't meet for a while. Northwich Victoria have also been past rivals, but I'm sure that feeling has turned into one much worse for the Vics: sheer pity.

The Ground

Moss Lane is an old-school effort built in limited space with seemingly decent seater stands and good terraces elsewhere, ideal for troubling goalkeepers. Provided the revenge factor's still there by then, we should bring several hundred to the wrong side of the Pennines. Parking is very limited, such is the tinpottery of it all. Possible segregation could leave us in a roofless away end, and the Hindu among us may count the port-a-loos as a punishment for deeds done in our past lives.

The town

Located in southernmost Greater Manchester, Altrincham boasts both the wattle-and-daub and distressed brick of Cheshire, and the persistent rainy bleakness of Manchester. It is an average-sized market town that "benefits" from being a commuter centre. It can be accessed by tram and bus from Manchester city centre, eight miles north-east. Alternatively, trains from Piccadilly should get you there within half an hour. Local pubs include the King George and the Bridge Inn, provided they haven't closed by time of visit. Altrincham is of course pronounced "Ol-tring-um." Don't embarrass yourself.

Aside from the much-maligned Frank Sidebottom, Ian Brown of the Stone Roses once roamed Altrincham's charter'd streets. Man City and United players are also professed to live there, but in the posh areas obviously.

Will we need to segregate?

Mmmaybe. You'd like to think 200 or so would bother with the trip, but don't bank on it.

OFFICIAL SITE

FORUM

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