Cack-Handed Away Guide XV: HYDE FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide XV: HYDE FC.

c/o Hyde FC
Manchester City FC
Etihad Stadium
SportCity
Manchester
M11 3FF

Nickname

The Tigers

But we call them

Jekyll

Billy basics

Manager: Gary Lowe

Founded: 2010

2010/11: 19th, Conference North

Highest position: 2010/11: 19th, Conference North

Average attendance 2010/11: 351

Who are Jekyll?

Hyde FC was invented in 2010 when Manchester City FC announced an exciting and simply un-turn-down-able three-year sponsorship opportunity. This move invented Hyde FC. There is no other team on record representing the villagers of Hyde and their esoteric but charming ways. But if there was, they would have been liquidated by now, and they certainly would not have been called Hyde United FC. No-one calls their team United, and no-one names their stadium after the Arabic word for "United."

In return for the deal, Hyde FC have received £250,000 straight from Manchester City. The ground has been revamped and is now fit for reserve, under-21 and academic matches for Manchester City. Oh, and for Hyde FC themselves. Hyde FC enjoy a special relationship with Manchester City. Hyde FC will continue to enjoy crumbs from the Manchester City table and the City in the Community scheme. The people of Hyde are delighted.

Under the watchful eye of Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Khaldoon Al Mubarak and the rest of the Abu Dhabi United Group, Hyde FC first kicked off in time for the 2010/11 season. Under the watchful eye of Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Khaldoon Al Mubarak and the rest of the Abu Dhabi United Group, Hyde FC finished their first season in a very credible 19th place. Under the watchful eye of Manchester City, Roberto Mancini, Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, Khaldoon Al Mubarak and the rest of the Abu Dhabi United Group, Hyde FC plan to galvanise this success in the forthcoming seasons.

The ground

Sources 1 2 3

 Ewen Fields (now Etihad Fields) was built for £1,100 in 1885. Manchester City FC will always be at the forefront of good footballing deals. However, since Hyde didn't exist until 2010 their record attendance is currently 606. That's a lot of bucket collectors. Etihad Fields is made up of five stands including the Scrattin' Shed and the Tinker's Passage End. Aside from Manchester City's Etihad Stadium, on match days Hyde's stadium is the 2nd most empty venue in Greater Manchester.

The town

Two names for you: Myra Hindley and Dr Harold Shipman.

Trains take 15 minutes from Manchester Piccadilly.

Recommend us some Man City-approved watering holes plz.

Will we need to segregate?

Nay.

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Cack-Handed Away Guide XIV: NUNEATON TOWN FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide XIV: NUNEATON TOWN FC.

Nuneaton Town FC

Liberty Way

Nuneaton

Warwickshire

CV11 6RR

Nickname

The Boro

But we call them

Nuneatin, The Tin

Billy basics

Manager: Kevin Wilkin

Founded: 1889/1937/1991/2008

2010/11: 6th, Conference North

2009/10: 2nd, Southern Premier

2008/09: 2nd, Southern Midlands

Highest position: 2006/07: 6th, Conference North (2nd, Alliance Premier as Borough)

Average attendance 2010/11: 953

Who are The Tin?

The Tin have claimed a handful of guises in the past and I'm not sure whether I should let them lay claim to them. Claiming Nuneatin's earlier identities would be like claiming a soggy, unwrapped Chewit from the floor of a changing cubicle at the swimming pool however, so let them have it if it pleases them. 

Tin #1: 1889-born local church team playing on local fields in typical provincial leagues including the Nuneaton League itself, which seems like cheating to me. Folded after getting rid of their ground in 1937.

Tin #2: slightly-less-provincial outfit Nuneaton Borough, who joined the Southern Premier in 1958 reaching the Alliance League in 1979, that famous non-league apex, able to push for the Football League in the mid '80s. With the '90s came Boro's sad decline though, sorta-reforming in the Southern League Midlands. Their second crack at the big-time then came at the Millennium, occasionally tickling the top spot with the ol' non-league feather duster. They ran out of a puff again in 2003 and dropping to the Southern Premier, unable to take the pressure of being in the same league as the Shaymen. History will (may (might (meh, forget it))) repeat itself. 

Election to the Conference North came in 2004, a league they nearly sussed. Then came their Token Big FA Cup Run® in 2006, but a replay in the Third Round at Middlesborough saw them outclassed 5–2. Finally, the big shock came in spring '08 when Nuneatin's long-term directors left due to ill health, leaving a black hole of debt visible for all. Within a few months the club, having invested a tonne in a ground move from Manor Park to their current Liberty Way, had gone bust.

Tin #3: reformed as Nuneaton Town, the buggers only had to drop two leagues and gained promotion the Southern Midlands League on the first time of asking. A second play-off push made good saw The Tin join the Conference North. Especially in The Land of Tinpot however, no-one likes a show-off. A third play-off tournament in the 2010/11 season came to nowt. Now the Shaymen have joined them in the league again, they couldn't have picked a worse time to attempt for promotion. *puffs chest*

The ground

Sources 1 2 3

The Tin's venue since 1937, Manor Park, saw its last fixture at the end of 2007 against Vauxhall Motors. How moving that must have been.

The ground that ended them last time around, Liberty Way, is where we'll meet in February. Being a 21st century ground, it clings to the underbelly of an industrial estate. "At least it's got a proper name!" I hear you say. Well, it actually does have one of those "official" sponsored names. Are you ready for this? Right. The Triton Showers Community Arena. Swoon.

Originally built with a tarpaulin main stand, the busy builders of Nuneaton have recently finished work on a proper 1000-seater just in time for the Great Invasion of the Shaymen. All the other sides boast low terraces which I'm sure will be crammed too.


The town

Busy little market town nine miles from exotic Coventry and 20 miles from Birmingham and Leicester, you spoilt bastards. Home of the English-sounding frittata, if you want to eat with the best of 'em.

Despite being just down the road from Stinckley, Nuneaton is marginally easier to reach. From Manchester Piccadilly, a transfer can be taken from Stoke-on-Trent to Nuneaton. From Leeds, a transfer can be taken from Birmingham New Street. By car, remember not to get lost in Bermuda, eh.

Please recommend us a watering-hole. :(

Will we need to segregate?

In the possible event of a heated promotion battle.

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Cack-Handed Away Guide XIII: HINCKLEY UNITED FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide XIII: HINCKLEY UNITED FC.

Hinckley United FC
Leicester Road
Hinckley
Leicestershire
LE10 3DR

Nickname

The Knitters

But we call them

Stinckley, The Stinck

Billy basics

Manager: Dean Thomas

Founded: 1997

2010/11: 15th, Conference North

2009/10: 7th, Conference North

2008/09: 10th, Conference North

Highest position: 2006/07: 4th, Conference North

Average attendance 2010/11: 433

Who are The Stinck?

Hinckley United was an amalgamation of Hinckley Town and Hinckley Athletic, two probable pub teams that no doubt never got the slightest whiffs of playing real, proper League football. Throughout the mid-'90s Athletic were aiming for promotion from the Southern League whereas Town were in the league below, before arrangement was struck to merge the two teams. Athletic's Conference National hopes after merger for the 1997/98 season must've taken an own goal then, because Hinckley United dropped Athletic down to Town's league. After year-on-year improvement, FC United of Stinckley gained promotion back to the Southern League, earning election for the Conference North in 2004.

In the meantime, Stinckley earnt themselves a couple of cup runs. Bowing out in the 2nd Round of the FA Cup at home to Cheltenham in 2001/02, in their first season of Conference North football they held Brentford to a replay in a 2004/05 2nd Round fixture, losing out 2–1 at Griffin Park. Ambitious as ever, The Stinck saw the Conference North as just another hole to escape from and immediately aimed for promotion again. Their 2006/07 season was the closest they got, but early on in the season, tragedy entered the playing field: centre-half Matt Gadsby died on the pitch during an away game at Harrogate. United adjourned for a month, suffering fixture congestion for the remainder of the season and finishing 4th, losing the play-off finals in the last minute at home to Farsley Celtic.

Things also picked up pace elsewhere. In March 2005 more avenues were opened for the Stinck when the building of their new super-stadium was finished. This slightly-out-of-town-but-loaded-with-facilities-and-training-pitches-and-conference-rooms-and-cantilever-roofs-and-even-the-odd-floodlight ground, De Montfort Park, was financed from the selling of Stinckley's old Middlefield Lane and not much else, as the seasons that followed Stinckley's promotion push were tough ones. Accumulated debt got within a few straws of breaking the Stinck's back, but a winding-up order was avoided and Stinckley enter the 2011/12 season without any I.O.U.'s stuck on the communal fridge.

The ground

Sources 1 2 3

 

 De Montfort Park, aka "The Greene King Stadium," has been declared a work-in-progress. Like planning out a massive shit, the ground is to be developed in "phases." The first phase brought the town a completely useable, three-stand stadium, with the second introducing the 3G and junior pitches. The third phase will be an extension of the West Stand to include seating, with the fourth and vaguest phase seeing stand extensions bringing the capacity to above 6,000. A name as silly as de Montfort could have only come from the 6th and final Earl of Leicester, an opponent to Henry III who died in battle in 1265. That should help you in your next pub quiz.

Of course, this means nothing to us Shaymen when we'll probably only visit Stinckley once. It should be our duty to breathe life into an identikit stadium.

The town

Hinckley itself is a pleasant little market town on all accounts. The first place of interest its Wikipedia page lists is its "award-winning public toilets." So, go there. I won't plagiarise on the pub front, just give a glance at any of the pubs featured on this away fans' rough guide. Hinckley's not that small of a town, but Leicester's also close, of course.

Trains are a nightmare. From Halifax you'll have to make a few changes as no trains go straight from Leeds/Manchester to Leicester, with Leicester trains going direct to Hinckley. From Halifax, trains to Manchester, over to Birmingham New Street followed by Hinckley verge on four hours. To get from Leeds to Leicester, changes can be made at Nottingham, Sheffield, Doncaster etc. You'd be much better off getting the supporters' coach.

Will we need to segregate?

No.

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Cack-Handed Away Guide XII: HISTON FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide XII: HISTON FC.

Histon FC

The Glass World Stadium
Bridge Road
Impington
Cambridge
CB24 9PH

Nickname

The Stutes

But we call them

Someone suggested Pisston once, but not even I will dignify that

Billy basics

Manager: David Livermore

Founded: 1904

2010/11: 24th, Conference National

2009/10: 18th, Conference National

2008/09: 3rd, Conference National

Highest position: 2008/09: 3rd, Conference National

Average attendance 2010/11: 616

Who are Histon?

That's a good question because the funny thing is, even Histon haven't quite traced back their roots since before the '80s. All those historians in neighbouring Cambridge are wasted. 

In appearance one of the biggest littlest clubs ever, Histon were born as a works side of sorts from a local jam company and were given a patch to play in next door village Impington. Then their tale's another of various county leagues, eventually finding their level in the Eastern Counties League in 1966, incorporating the cream of East Anglian borderline-pub football.

The turn of millennium then saw a bazonkers ascent into Histon almost becoming a household name. Ex-Cambridge United man Steve Fallon brought them into the Southern League's Eastern Division in 1999/2000, a league that proved to be a little harder before they found their feet again and won promotion to the Southern League Premier Division in 2004. The Conference South beckoned in 2005, with a Yeovil Town fixture in the FA Cup 2nd Round and the Cambridgeshire County Cup in the trophy cabinet to galvanise their success. The Stutes Machine went as far as the play-off final on the first time of asking the following season, before going up as champs in 2007 on a heinously comfy 19-point margin. Oh, they also reached the FA Cup 2nd Round again, having a good bash against but eventually losing out to Nuneaton Borough.

Could a village of less than 4,500 just settle for that? As many of you know, things just kept coming. They beat Cambridge United on the first time of asking and finished 7th, giving us Shaymen four points over two league outings on that fateful 2007/08 season. The 2008/09 season was their zenith, beating Leeds United 1–0 in the FA Cup 2nd Round in front of 4,103, topping the league table in the meantime. Nowt like watching Leeds fail to beat such miniscule outfits. The title however eventually went begging, Histon losing to Torquay in the play-off semis.

And that was the last season overseen by Steve Fallon. After he was voted out Histon were found to be very much the small-time, dropping into the southern arse-end of the Conference North for this forthcoming season. Without Fallon's guiding hand, many predict Histon are now following a downward trajectory, their 18/1 championship odds a little optimistic for now.

The ground

Sources 1 2 3

 Just before Histon's growth waned, the Cambridgeshire FA set up shop on Bridge Road (The Glassworld Stadium), building it from what you see in the aerial view above to a League Two-worthy stadium. Another main stand has been built alongside the original structure, with the behind-goal terraces now stretching the pitch widths and new seating built over the touchline terrace. I am not a faithful enough Shayman to know how much of this was intact four seasons ago, but I'm sure they'll be happy to see us again.

The town

The village, even.

Luckily, it's just up the road from Cambridge itself. Weekends spent wondering what to do in Prescot or Bamber Bridge are no more: now you can grab a bike or a punt, and visit a marginally less hostile area. The amount Cambridge has going for it should be satisfactory if a bit of a culture shock compared to the braying hags in the Halifax thoroughfares.

Trains go from Leeds to Cambridge via either Stevenage or Peterborough. Take your pick and have fun.

Will we need to segregate?

In the event they find success again, yes. But even then, no.

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Cack-Handed Away Guide X: GLOUCESTER CITY AFC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide X: GLOUCESTER CITY AFC.

Gloucester City AFC

Arriva House

Meadow Park

Sudmeadow Road

Hempsted

Gloucester

GL2 5HS

Nickname

The Tigers

But we call them

Glaaaaaarstar

Billy basics

Managers: David Mehew, Adie Harris

Founded: 1883

2010/11: 14th, Conf North

2009/10: 18th, Conf North

2008/09: 3rd, Southern Premier League

Highest position: 2010/11: 14th, Conf North

Average attendance 2010/11: 346

Who are Glaaaaaarstar?

 Despite being formed in 1883, it took six years for Gloucester to bother with going competitive. Like so many others, they got into the rhythm of joining all sorts of regional leagues until joining the Southern League in 1939. It then took the Gloucestrians a wait 'til after World War Two to see where things would take them. The stand-out factoid from their early years was in 1937/38, when striker Reg Weaver netted 67 goals in all competitions, making Ross Hannah look like a Jägerbomb-fuelled Nigel Jemson.

Post-war, Glaaaaaarstar quickly surfaced in the proper, big-boy rounds of the FA Cup, beating Tottenham Hotspur 2–1 in 1952 in front of 10,000 or so. Promotion to the Southern Premier came in 1969 and again in 1982, and again in 1989. The following season, they held Cardiff City to a Second Round replay in the FA Cup and began to aim for the Conference National. It came within a whisker in 1991 when SPL promotion rivals Farnborough scored a winner in their game against Atherstone to pip Glaaaaaarstar and their travelling hordes at Bromsgrove, the fans already invading the pitch in some vain joy. Further cup frolics came in 1997 as Dagenham & Redbridge beat them in the FA Trophy's semi-finals, a distraction to losing out on promotion to the Conference again to rivals Cheltenham Town.

It will be here that I crack on with what has afflicted Glaaaaaarster more than anything: its blasted location. In July 2007 the River Severn burst its banks once again, flooding their Meadow Park ground once and for all. The Tigers had previously been waterlogged numerous times, Meadow Park being their ninth ground. FC United can't even get one built. The Severn's floods almost wiped the club off the map on numerous occasions due to countless brief exiles and unpaid players walking out. Convinced they'll never be done over again, the current rainforest at Meadow Park plans to be rebuilt into some flood-proof barracks, and the worrying term "community stadium" has been coyly thrown in there—early promises of a soulless San Generico-type ground, perhaps?

Glaaaaaarstar won the SPL play-offs to find themselves at their highest level yet in latitude as well as prestige. The furore of such a southern outfit playing in the North half of step 2 has been much-bitched about, and subsequently forgotten about now the obscenely southern Bishop's Stropford have joined us. The pain of travelling for the rest of us has been lessened slightly by Gloucester's latest exile bringing them slightly up north to Cheltenham Town's place. Personally, Following the Shaymen prefers West Country cider to Home Counties Pimm's, so an away day is an away day, unless it's an away night in the mid-winter with an assignment to hand in the next morning.

The ground

Sources 1 2 3

Sources 1 2 3

So, it's a ground a few of us can remember from the pre-Sat Nav age. Cheltenham's unit will look much more abandoned with 500 or so Gloucestrians and Haligonians dotted about the place, wondering what their younger selves would've thought of this, but there could surely be a way of rehearsing the Town choir after this season's longest trip.

Meadow Park is pictured in part for posterity. The 21-year stay there gave Glaaaaaarstar a fairly brief identity of their own. It will however be a good few years before the Tigers next have something to roar about (a parish periodical-standard pun right there).

The town

Cheltenham was the home of the Tories' choice composer Edward Elgar, a football man himself who once wrote a piece inspired by watching Wolves play: proving somewhat that supporting yer local team has never been very well embraced. All evidence points towards Cheltenham being as southern as fook: horse racing, natural springs, Michelin-star eateries, cultural festivals, a French-named district containing millionaires' townhouses, and being voted as a decent place to live. If we can't afford to assimilate for the day then we may have to be our own tourist attractions.

For the ambitious, cross-country trains meet Cheltenham from Leeds and occasionally Manchester Piccadilly.

Will we need to segregate?

*cough*

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Cack-Handed Away Guide VIII: GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide VIII: GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY FC.

Gainsborough Trinity FC
Northolme
Gainsborough
Lincolnshire
DN21 2QW

Nickname

The Holy Blues, The Recreationists, Trinity

But we call them

Gainsboring, Tinpot Trinity

Billy basics

Managers: Brian Little, Gavin Ward

Founded: 1873

2010/11: 18th, Conf North

2009/10: 14th, Conf North

2008/09: 13th, Conf North

Highest position: 2004/05, 2006/07: 11th, Conf North

Average attendance 2010/11: 378

Who are Gainsboring?

Pub teams? In the Conference North? Nuh-uh! Only if you're Droylsden. Gainsboring can be considered summin' else entirely: a church team. A frackin' posh church team of that, set up by Old Harrovian vicar G.L. Hodgkinson. And did this bring them riches? Did the Northolme become holy ground? Read on, dear non-leaguer.

Gainsboring were precocious in the little success they've had, earning a Third Round tie in the FA Cup way back in 1887, and ever since they've regularly met the giants in the FA Cup, but just haven't got around to killing them yet. Just a couple of years later they also won the Lincolnshire Senior Cup, and have repeated this success another seventeen times. They always have won the odd regional trophy and little beyond. In the league however, they have the most average of stories.

Previously on this "Alternative" Away Guide, I mentioned Spartizan Blythe have never been relegated. Well, Gainsbore haven't either. And neither have they been promoted. Gainsboring joined the Midland League in 1889, earning election to the old Division Two in 1896. They became non-league again six years later after being voted out, rejoining the Midland League. Over the decades they were champions of the Midland League thrice, but to football's decision-makers at the time, actual promotion was something that happened to other teams in other leagues. They were founder members of the Northern Premier League in 1969, where they stayed like dry rot until becoming founder members of the Conference North in 2004. In recent times the Bores have cried "Enough!" to this mediocrity, bringing a few professionals in including new gaffer Brian Little. The result? Further mediocrity that included last season's relegation battle.

Nonetheless, the money carries on being pumped through by the shilling at Gainsborough. Fresh, cherub-like youthful faces have been added to the squad's make-up as well as Football League dropouts, and in a completely unwarranted move, plans are being made by chairman Peter Swann to build a 4,000-seater stadium elsewhere in Gainsborough. After a few years of planning it over and still without a site in mind, this move smacks of optimism.

Among the Grimsby, Boston, Lincoln and Scunthorpe rejects, a young Neil Warnock once ran laps at the Northolme.

The ground

Sources 1 2

Moving seamlessly on, it seems a shame to let a stadium like this go to waste. At 138 years of age, The Northolme must be one of Britain's oldest intact footballing venues. The size is decent and mighty spacious for Gainsboring's 300 or so home fans, and even the parades of Shaymen may appear dotted over its terraces. We also get a sorta two-tier main stand and a promise of decent views. Plans to transport the few home fans they've got to a vast and somehow "self-sustaining" cavern elsewhere in the town would even make Park Ave's Bob Blackburn smile and nod pitifully.

Models pose in an artist's impression of the new stadium.

The town

Gainsborough is an historic market town on the River Trent home to 20,000 or so lapsed spud-farmers, and almost became England's capital city as recently as 1013. Since then it has resisted change to become a new town with tenuous links to Sheffield.

Aside from the club house, two pubs can be found in the town: the Horse & Jockey and Elm Cottage, both on Church St. Trains can be taken from Leeds to Gainsborough with a transfer at either Meadowhall or Doncaster.

Will we need to segregate?

That's just mean.

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Cack-Handed Away Guide VII: EASTWOOD TOWN FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide VII: EASTWOOD TOWN FC.

Eastwood Town FC

Coronation Park
Chewton Street
Eastwood
Nottinghamshire
NG163HB

Nickname

The Badgers

But we call them

Clint

Billy basics

Manager: ?!

Founded: 1892

2010/11: 4th, Conf North

2009/10: 10th, Conf North

2008/09: 1st, Northern Premier League

Highest position: 2010/11: 4th, Conf North

Average attendance 2010/11: 460

Who are Clint?

Clint Eastwood existed for a couple of years in between the great wars before cropping up for good in 1953, this time as an outfit to be reckoned with for all other counties league teams. Indeed, nothing said "We're Eastwood and we're here" more than a home crowd of 2,723 at home to Enfield in a 1965 Amateur Cup tie. It was in 1971 that Clint began creeping up the leagues, going from the Midland Alliance, all the way up through however many North East Counties divisions there are, and into the Northern Premier League. A cheeky relegation back to the NECL came in 2003 but they returned on the rebound in 2004, rising to the NPL Premier in 2007 and to the Conference North in 2009.

The biggest developments have come in these past few years for Eastwood. A switch from volunteers to paid staff off the pitch has played a part in their attempt for Conference National football in the near future. A great FA Cup run during their last season in the NPL saw them beat SPL side Brackley Town, League Two's Wycombe Wanderers and bow out to Kettering Town in the Third Round. Yes, Kettering in the Third Round. Not even Scunthorpe or Cheltenham. Kettering.

This season saw Eastwood finish 4th, a few weeks after failing to pass the ground grading regulations, allowing 6th-placed Guiseley a passport into them, despite being pretty damn tinpot themselves. It's like the really popular kid not inviting you to her birthday party, but letting in snot-faced Kevin from the year below who still shouts "WASSUUUUP?!?!" at everyone he meets. Luckily for us at least, their development plans for meeting the Conference National guidelines have not been sufficient in convincing their players to be patient, defender Haggerty even jumping ship to join the Shaymen. For Eastwood, the forthcoming season will be a challenge for them to pull off convincingly as the scaffold sprouts up across the ground with a skeletal first team.

The ground

Sources 1 2

Currently Coronation Park is two small seated stands and two small terraces behind either goal. All but the main stand is scheduled for redevelopment however, in order to bump up the capacity to 5,000, should it ever be needed for a town marginally larger than Elland. Its presence in the community will be boosted and large terraced stands are planned behind either goal. For now it should be alright, provided it isn't raining.

The town

It's another smallie, and an ex-mining town on the border between Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire. Decent pubs are as yet unknown, but a museum dedicated to the native author D.H. Lawrence stands, as well as a bleakly large retail centre which I'll mention and plainly refuse to recommend, but it's there if you want a shiny new box to sit on.

By public transport, you can either get to Nottingham by train after exchanging at Wakefield Westgate or Leeds, and Eastwood itself is without a station. Do whatever you did to reach Hucknall. It's probably exactly the same place in real terms.

Will we need to segregate?

Doubt it.

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Cack-Handed Away Guide VI: DROYLSDEN FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide VI: DROYLSDEN FC.

Droylsden FC

Butchers Arms Ground
Market Street
Droylsden
Manchester
M437AW

Nickname

The Bloods

But we call them

Dresden

Billy basics

 

Managers: Dave Pace, Dave Pace and Dave Pace

Founded: 1892

2010/11: 8th, Conf North

2009/10: 5th, Conf North

2008/09: 7th Conf North

Highest position: 2007/08: 24th, Conference National. Swag.

Average attendance 2010/11: 311

Who are Dresden?

In the 1800s, in a pub somewhere in Ashton, there lived a landlord. He had a pleasant joint with a sizable beer garden round the back. Sadly for him though, it was always occupied by a group of schoolchildren having a good old kickabout. Furious about this, the landlord stomped his feet and gnashed his teeth at them, confiscating any ball that rolled his way. But the boys would still come, hoofing the ball here and there on the well-cut lawn, chatting and chortling amongst themselves. But the landlord had had enough. On his last straw, he erected a sign: "No Ball Games."

Overnight, the beer garden turned from a summery haven full of birdsong and children's playful screams, to a wint'ry cow field full of crabgrass and potholes. It was muddy, frosted over and abandoned. It was in such a state that even a Prescot Cables fan couldn't identify it as a worthy playing field. Eventually, even his most trustworthy clientele stopped coming to the pub, and the landlord was on the verge of selling his wife to a slimy suitor from Skelmersdale. 

 

The landlord then took a sudden turn. He uprooted his No Ball Games sign and opened the back gate for the children to enjoy playing on the lawn once again. Overnight the beer garden went again from dead to alive. The children were happier than ever to have a kickabout, his pub was making roaring trade, and his wife was giving him the best sex ever. One day years later, the now elderly and ailing landlord hobbled into the garden with a pint of Joseph Holt's finest, and with a new generation of children still playing football around him, he expired. How the children wept around him, The Selfish Landlord who became a grandfather to them all, the youngest boy wrapping a string of fresh sausages around his neck. With that, they tried to take themselves more seriously and formed a club in his honour. That club became Droyslden FC, and they play in that beer garden today, The Butcher's Arms. 

Since the landlord's demise, the grounds have again turned into a desolate, wint'ry, empty area devoid of anything human.

In the late '90s though, everything went on the up again. Manager, Chairman and Utter Football Genius Dave Pace™ took over and won them the NPL First Division North championship in 1998/99, before they became founder members of the Conference North in the 2004/05 season. They became champions of said division in the 2006/07 season, and enjoyed a season of Conference National members moaning, "THAT thing passed the ground grading requirements?" The stay was cut short due to them being so abject that they only took three points off the debilitating Halifax Town FC over the entire season. They have remained in the Conference North for three better-than-average seasons. Utter Football Genius Dave Pace™manages them to this date.

The ground

Picture sources 1 2 3

The Butcher's Arms is a vaguely famous footballing venue. For it is the tradition that, for one home game every season, Bloods fans are invited to turn up in butchers overalls and walk around a stadium sprinkled with sawdust. Whether they want to have a butchers at the on-field performance is another matter. However, they have recently been banned from spraying each other with blood, as was the tradition. It's political correctness gone mad!

For the interested Town fan, there's the elevated main stand pictured above, a small terrace going down the opposite touchline and a nicely-sized terrace behind one goal. Behind the other goal is plain ol' hard standing. Last time I visited, someone had kindly left a tenner on the ground for me.

The town

Uh-oh. It's the most innercity Tameside town there is. Droylsden is packed with Mancunians overflowing from the city centre and in the small town itself, there's little to write home about, partly due to the overflow including a criminal element. Those who have rose above the rabble include Communist Party leader Harry Pollitt and budding Manchester United forward Danny Welbeck.

There is no train station in Droylsden and there may as well be no police station either. Take a bus either from Ashton or the city centre.

Will we need to segregate?

Nah.

OFFICIAL SITE

THE BLOODS FORUM, IF YOU GET THAT DESPERATE
REDUNDANT FANSITE

Leave a comment reminding me how I'm a lazy journo.

Cack-Handed Away Guide II: BLYTH SPARTANS AFC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide II: BLYTH SPARTANS AFC.

Blyth Spartans AFC
Croft Park
Blyth
Northumberland
NE24 3JE 

Nickname

The Spartans

But we call them

Spartizan Blythe

Billy basics

Manager: Mick Tait, ass. Chris Swailes (the ex-Bury, Doncaster and Ipswich one)

Founded: 1899

2010/11: 9th, Conf North

2009/10: 13th, Conf North

2008/09: 15th, Conf North

Highest position: 2006/07: 7th, Conf North

Average attendance 2010/11: ~450

Who are Spartizan Blythe?

Apparently "the only team to have never been relegated," Spartizan have the pride and honour of being another club that specialise in giant killing. They got closer than the propaganda and lies behind Creepy Crawley did this 2010/11 season way back in 1977/78, when they took Wrexham to a replay in the 5th Round of the FA Cup. And like Crawley, they have a song to commemorate their success. The difference? Blyth's was actually good and catchy:

In other notable efforts, they got to Reading in the 3rd Round in 1971/72, Stockport in 1995/96 in the 2nd Round, and at home to Blackburn Rovers in the 3rd Round in 2008/09, where a single goal and five leagues separated the two teams.

Even the most brainless supporter of The League of Foreign Millionaires wouldn't dismiss this ahem, plucky little non-league side as "shit," seeing as their history is seemingly unblemished with turmoil on or off the field. Going competitive in 1901, they prattled around in regional leagues until each one folded right before their eyes, until election to the Northern League in 1964. They remained here until 1994, already having been champions ten times and runners-up five times. After making it into the 1st Division of the Northern Premier League, they won a second consecutive promotion to the Premier Division. Despite missing the boat to the newly-established Conference North in 2004/05, they acted fast and earnt a place there in 2006. They've held their own here ever since.

To top it off, amidst countless esoteric cups, Blyth reached the FA Trophy Quarter Finals in '80 and '83, way back in their Northern League days. Their ambition a different flavour to the Shaymen's, we'll see which can out-muscle the other. Their striker Paul Brayson was one of the team that merked us at Newcastle Blue Star in our first season in this guise, before Blue Star imploded to everyone's indifference, their players leaving for Blyth and Spennymoor. Now aged 33, it will be our duty to find him a suitable retirement home. A final Spartizan claim-to-fame has been something a little out of keeping with their boundless triumphs:

The ground

Picture sources: 1 2 3

Yes, boys and girls, that really is a two-tiered stand. The entrepreneurial heads of Blyth have taken advantage of their recent earnings by creating a Conference-standard stadium. In 2003 new seating and concrete terracing was put in place, followed by an extended roof and bottom-tier seating for their main Port of Blyth Stand in 2007. All stands are now covered, just for us lucky travelling Shaymen. If you arrive at a place a little smaller-looking, you may have arrived at the ground of the aggressively non-league Blyth Town. The ground is located by the seaside, but hopefully there won't be as much broken glass and used condoms littering the pitch as there will be on the beach. Let's at least hope the seagulls aren't fishing in this one.

The town

130 miles from Halifax, getting to Blyth is a little more of a challenge than we've been used to. In Blyth, this translates to a derby: the poor bastards having to travel 90 and 100 miles respectively to get to local rivals Harrogate and Workington. It's a port town 15 miles up from Newcastle, so for those looking for a pub please stay in Blyth, and those looking for a night or seven of moral turpitude involving nearly-nekked Geordie lasses in Jägerbomb-freezing temperatures, please go to the Toon, not coming back until you've properly redeemed yourself. Either way, all Shaymen who will be patient enough with public transport will have to transfer at Newcastle. Trains run to the north-east from Leeds, and an overnight stay should be considered. And don't you even think of hitting the Toon with those dolly birds. They will never love you. Yes, I can tell you're thinking it. Just don't.

Blyth itself speaks of fishing, lighthouses, post-coal-mining depression and the inevitable regeneration, in which every boarded-up discount shop in the Blyth Ward will be replaced by a milk bar full of southerners by 2015.

Will we need to segregate?

No.

OFFICIAL SITE

PESTER A SPARTIZAN BLYTHE FAN HERE

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Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.

Cack-Handed Away Guide I: ALTRINCHAM FC.

Altrincham Football Club

Moss Lane

Altrincham

Cheshire

WA15 8AP

Nickname

Alty, The Robins

But we call them

Defaultrincham, The Spawny Gets

Who are Alty?

Well, it just happened to be that Altrincham came first on an alphabetical list on the teams we'll be facing this coming season. Altrincham have only spent one season in the Conference North previous to this, after being promoted through the play-offs in 2005 the year the league was formed. They were subsequently plopped into the child's sandpit that is the Conference National with the Shaymen, and told to be nice to their new buddies. What was to follow? Altrincham were reprieved in 2006, finishing 22nd. They finished 21st in 2007 and were reprieved. They then finished 21st in 2008. Super Town of course, managed 20th that season, honourable given the awfulness of the situation, but were liquidated. So–! As a result, Altrincham were reprieved. But rather than respecting Halifax Town as the reason Alty have been the jammiest bastards in 21st century football, they gloated at our demise. And it's for this reason that our two games against Alty are going to be the biggest score settlers of this coming season.

Beyond this, Alty's history is presented as that of a successful part-time, regional club. Forming as Broadheath FC they quickly became Altrincham FC, were sent down south from the Lancashire Leagues to the Cheshire leagues, and spent almost 50 years there. After six admirable seasons of either being in the mix or leading the pack, they became founder members of the Northern Premier League in 1968, landing a spot in the Alliance (Conference) in 1979. These were their halcyon years, immediately becoming champions of the Alliance for two seasons running, bowing out to often big Football League opposition in the FA Cup for six out of the 10 seasons in the '80s. Somewhere along the way they found a fan in alternative comedian Frank Sidebottom.

They dropped out of the hatch at the bottom of the Conference in 1997, before coming back for a blur of a season and falling down into the NPL again. Promotion from the new-found Conference North followed in 2005. They were then of course reprieved for the next three seasons in the Conference's bid to devastate otherwise slightly less unsuccessful teams such as Town, and here we are today in the confusing world of Twitters, e-Facebooks and strangely realistic Japanese sex dolls. Unfortunately, the webmaster of Alty's official site hasn't yet been told of such modernisation.

The 2010/11 saw the Robins go part-time again and totter around the relegation spots for the season's entirety. Historic debts however have claimed to be paid off, and sensible management has thus brought Altrincham to an arguably more natural level.

Altrincham retain a lifelong rivalry with the locals at Macclesfield Town. Fortunes have been disparate however, and much like the Shaymen's out-of-date rivalries with Huddersfield and Rochdull, chances are the two teams won't meet for a while. Northwich Victoria have also been past rivals, but I'm sure that feeling has turned into one much worse for the Vics: sheer pity.

The Ground

Moss Lane is an old-school effort built in limited space with seemingly decent seater stands and good terraces elsewhere, ideal for troubling goalkeepers. Provided the revenge factor's still there by then, we should bring several hundred to the wrong side of the Pennines. Parking is very limited, such is the tinpottery of it all. Possible segregation could leave us in a roofless away end, and the Hindu among us may count the port-a-loos as a punishment for deeds done in our past lives.

The town

Located in southernmost Greater Manchester, Altrincham boasts both the wattle-and-daub and distressed brick of Cheshire, and the persistent rainy bleakness of Manchester. It is an average-sized market town that "benefits" from being a commuter centre. It can be accessed by tram and bus from Manchester city centre, eight miles north-east. Alternatively, trains from Piccadilly should get you there within half an hour. Local pubs include the King George and the Bridge Inn, provided they haven't closed by time of visit. Altrincham is of course pronounced "Ol-tring-um." Don't embarrass yourself.

Aside from the much-maligned Frank Sidebottom, Ian Brown of the Stone Roses once roamed Altrincham's charter'd streets. Man City and United players are also professed to live there, but in the posh areas obviously.

Will we need to segregate?

Mmmaybe. You'd like to think 200 or so would bother with the trip, but don't bank on it.

OFFICIAL SITE

FORUM

If you have a pub to recommend or a bone to pick, please leave a comment.